|Posted by anonymous at May 15, 2012
For as long as I can remember I never really fit in with any sort of group, always seemed to be the odd one out. I had different interests and I went through grade school to high school surrounding myself with groups of people who never really understood me. The only thing that seemed to give me pleasure and attention was the fact that I was sort of reckless and dangerous behavior became normal for me. I'm so self conscious, I felt giving myself this sort of outlook would help me gain confidence. Alchohol and marijuana became a huge part of my life during my last three years in high school, after graduating my behavior became a problem and I had been arrested numerous times for drug distribution, possession and drunk driving. I'm so caught up in fines and lawyer fees that I've caught myself being an accessory to burglary. I keep saying i need to change the way I am but every time I say no more, the next thing I know I'm sitting in a police station. I stopped surrounding myself with the people I hang out with and am more lonely than ever; Im 20 and have nothing to show for my actions except a court date and a serious alcohol problem. Tonight I will attend my first AA meeting. My family always supports me and I never grew up with a horrible background, it makes me wonder why I am the way I am. Self consciousness has probably played more of a role in this than I realize. Im also an artist and hope to get into the tattoo business, I have a few horrible tattoos that also drive me crazy but that's the least of my problems right now. I'm just waiting for this chapter of my life to be over. Waiting.
|Posted by anonymous at May 13, 2012
I am 26 years old now. It has been a while now since my heart has been finished being scarred over. I have had bad depression my whole life except when I was too young to remember. In baby photos I looked very happy. By the time high school hit, I was having crying/emotional pain spells when I got home from school and was sitting in my room. I had frequent thoughts of suicide. All of these emotions went undetected by my family. My father was/ is a workaholic and an alcoholic. He drinks around 5 beers everyday and has always maintained that he is ‘moderating’, even though his alcohol addiction has caused an enormous amount of destruction, pain, and suffering to everyone around him. His own first born son, (me) being hit the hardest out of everyone. He has never noticed anything going on with me; he doesn’t even act like he cares. He has a successful business that he has buried himself into his whole life; and he tries to ‘help’ me from time to time by giving me money or possessions like vehicles. The purpose of this behavior is to attempt to make himself feel better for never being there. As for my Mom, she has been an emotional zombie for the past 15 years or so due to taking anti-depressant pills, so she could never feel or understand my pain. She started taking these due to my Father’s complete lack of love for her or anyone else in the family. She is the religious type that would never divorce.
Sometime in middle school, I acquired body-dysmorphic dis...
|Posted by treetop at April 8, 2012
I had been a heroin addict . I finally got clean 10 years ago. I thought wow I finally got clean life is going to be great now my family trusts me, my kids love me, I have a great guy who loves me and I am a home owner which is awesome. but about 5 years into getting clean my back started hurting bad. I had to beg the doctors to give me an MRI and they found out I have a bulging disk and a bone hitting a nerve so I have sciatica and pain and numbness in my legs. And the doctors cant help me and my insurance wont pay for anything not even one day of physical therapy. they denied me surgery they denied me therapy they denied my scooter so I can get out of the house. well to make a long story short the pain is incredible and it keeps getting worse arthritis setting in the bones. they say I have degenerative disk disease but now I am on methadone and oxycodone and muscle relaxers and antidepressants. It just keeps getting worse and now that I can barely walk a block without sweating and sitting down. I have gained weight and then that makes it worse. Now I have a new problem my thumb locks up on me they call it trigger finger and the doctor did cortisone treatments but now my wrist skin is collapsing what in the heck is going on am I being punished for my past. i have got to the point that the only reason I get out of bed is to take care of my kids my girls 14 and 18 and my son who is 4 who doesn't understand why mommy cant run and play or walk to the park.? I have to drive him there and watch him play and it breaks my heart that I dont even know if I want to live another day but I know they need me. Doctors cant help me I have begged God to help me but I just sit around waiting to die.
|Posted by anonymous at April 6, 2012
I've been smoking weed for a year now. It's like a hobby for me. I've been feeling depressed for a long time and have been smoking marijuana for some relief. It helps me sleep and I feel great when I go to school (which I hate very much). But it's so expensive for me. I have no job and to get large quantities, I usually need to have a large amount of money, which my mom gives me 20 dollars every two weeks. That means every two weeks, I spend all of my money on weed, and then I'm completely broke again. I'm always broke and I know it's my fault but I have to choose between being broke or being depressed. Being depressed does not feel good, so I spend all of my money on weed. Not even realizing that I'm going to feel depressed again shortly after it gone. But I feel like I need it to feel like myself again. My friends and my mom tell me that weed is a big waste of money and I shouldn't do it, but the only time I ever feel alive is when I'm on it. I have no money at all right now and I just spent 30 dollars on weed and it's gone today. I feel horrible. My mom doesn't want me smoking weed and I hate that I spent my allowance on it. I have to wait one more week to get some more money. I have no money at all and I seriously feel like crying. I know the simple solution would be to just quit, and I've already considered that. One main reason why I feel depressed all of the time is that I feel alone, I don't really have any friends to hang out with. I do have one, but his mom us...
|Posted by anonymous at April 2, 2012
Imagine how it feels to be at 27 and knowing that your life will never be even 1/4 as good as it used to be. That is me. Every day I wake up hoping to die but I am too much of a f%^&^cking coward to kill myself. Beleive me, Ive tried but every time I get to the "moment of truth" I cannot go through with it. Lame, I know. I wish a f%^&in meteor would fall out of the sky and bash my brains out or somethin crazy, at least I might get a news article. But back to why I feel this way. I gre up in a pretty much perfect home, but once I got to college I started experimenting with drugs and before you know it I have a major opiate addiction. Well seeing as my career is a pharmacist that does not go together very well. I graduated pharmacy school and went to work as a pharmacist, did very well, 100K plus salary, unlimited access to drugs, life was amazing. Now after I am caught, Ill be LUCKY if I am alble to get a job at f&%^ing McDonalds. I know my pharmacy career is over because who the fuck would hire a pharmacist who was stealing drugs on the side? Wasted my entire education and basically the past 9 years of my life. My family has disowned me, no friends at all apart from other drug addicts that I met in rehab.. Completely broke, 100%. Unable to find even a minimum wage job cuz drug addicts are not even human in todays society. God I wish I had the balls to be able to end it all but I dont so my life will be a steaming pile of dogshit for the rest of my life
|Posted by lonely at April 2, 2012
I'm 18 years old and am completely alone, I'm a really nice person but no one gives
A shit about niceness anymore. People want fake
Friendships. I never thought someone could be to nice. I fucked up when I was 16 made the wrong friends who then introduced me to drinking weed and lsd. Then got diagnosed with drug induced psychosis, bi polar and OCD. I turned into a recluse isolated myself because I was unable to even string a sentence together. I'm a failure and the scars on my wrists prove that. I will never be the same . I hate this damned life
|Posted by whyme at March 21, 2012
I'm 25 years old. My father died of hep c when I was 14, he was a heroin addict.my mom was also a drug addict and died from brain cancer when I was 19 . In between those years I became a crack and heroin addict and have been to 7 rehabs and 12 detoxes.. I got clean for a short period and got married and had a kid..I relapsed and my wife kicked me out. When I was in rehab my wife cheated on me with her ex and just recently told me after two years. My wife has mental and drug problems . I work two jobs and do everything around the house and all I get is my wife telling me how bad of a person I am..how i'm a horrible father and husband...she constantly tells me that she hates me and she hates my brothers.i'm clean two years now and I live my life for my wife and daughter and at this point I don't know what to do....I have no body to talk to ...I have no body...I hate my life...I do love my wife but it seems she doesn't love me back....why me
|Posted by Takyra at March 15, 2012
About a year and a half ago my love of my life took off on me and left me without any type of closure. I was already living manac depression and bipolar mood swings. He didnt even tell me bye or nothing and just hitaled it out of town. So the first thing I started doing was hanging out with my friends more than usual because I needed to clear my mind,As I started going over there more often I started to notice behaviors in them that was what I remember in my past when I use to use Crank. They were always up and down and up and down. So I persisted on this subject with them until they finally admitted that they were smoking meth. I said well ya know let me try some cause I need somethingt that is going to calm my nerves and help me to stop crying. That was the worse mistake of my life. Since that day I have been through more than two handfuls of men who only wanted me for my money and my drugs. I have been raped and stolen from including from someone who I thot was my bff.
|Posted by anonymous at March 15, 2012
It all started around the end of 8th grade when my friend introduced me to pot, i started smoking with him almost every day of 8th grade when i noticed my grades dropped from C's and B's to straight F's. When summer came around i started smoking everyday about 4-5 times, i completely forgot about my old friends or it was just that they didnt think i was the same anymore. So i made some new friends right? these friends treated me like shit, they used me for weed they made fun of me they ditched me and tried to steal every girlfriend i ever had. On top of that i cant get a girlfriend because im extremely short and everyone makes fun of me. about 4-5 weeks i was beat by my dad and kicked out of my house. And on top of that i got expelled from my high school for drug abuse. So now im a homeless 15 year old boy expelled from school with no money, job or friends. no one loves me. and even my old friends stopped talking to me, i never did anything wrong. i spend everyday in loneliness waiting for someone to talk to me. even when i try to talk to someone they never respond or just run away from me. ive tried to commit suicide over 5 times, i hate myself, i have no motivation to do anything in life. i dont feel like i was meant to be here, i didnt ask to be born. if anyone reads this ill probably be dead tomorrow as i plan on these being my last words.
i wish i could of done better, im sorry.
|Posted by from smart to drug addict at March 9, 2012
I wa a good kid until i turned 18 i lost my virginity then and had some friends who introduced me to pot. I said no to pot since i was 16. Finally i tried it and i liked it but then came trying everything else, what got me first was oxycodone a girl when i was 19 and she was 32 oh how i wish i could just have said no> i had a sexy girlfriend but then became addicted to oxys after using in few days in a row, then i found someone who sold them for cheap if i bought alot so i did that thinking i can get high for free. Biggest mistake of my life thinking you can ger high for free is impossible. My life was consumed by snorting oxys i loved it except when i ran out.. The sickness was so terrible i may have made it once or twice cold turkey but i could not do that again. I am a chronic relapser. I still had the connect for oxys so i rationed it out that high for free is ok and then i got caught with 200 of them since it was first offense i did 3 years. I thought i could have my life back i was in great shape and then a "friend" said smoke weed and thats it well weed led to drinking finally i got caught kicked out of halfway house and back to jail. The judge felt i did my time and was released time served. Another trusted "friend" sold my powder cocaine i said i would do that but never any opiates. One day i told him about a girl who wanted 2 blues and she would sleep with me, my phone died and then my life half way died soon later. I kept those pills for 2 days and woke up one ...
|Posted by anonymous at February 29, 2012
This last year and some since I moved to New York City from Canada has been one of the most difficult years I have ever had in my life. A month before I had decided to leave, my father had been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Since it had been two years that I had seen him, I felt there was no choice but to move here and be closer to him and my mother. I took out a student loan from the bank in order to do it as I was struggling financially and had no savings from a physical job where I had injured my back so badly that it left me nearly unable to walk for six months.
I had enrolled in grad school to do my masters degree when I got here, but due to the stress from my father's condition which worsened by the week, I took a long standing deferral only 5 weeks later. I traveled back and forth to another state because I never knew when the last time would be that I would see him alive. I watched as his body increasingly deteriorated from the cancer, and soon came the day I arrived and saw him take his dying breath.
At the time, I was shattered. I had moved to New York alone never having been here before, having no friends, no connections, not knowing where I was going half the time, getting lost in the cold, dark streets, knee deep in snow. And now my father was dead. I cried all the time in the streets and subways, I drank all the time and got involved with people I couldn't trust who had no interest in my well being. I was oblivious to ho...
|Posted by anonymous at February 27, 2012
I never used to be like this. I started it out as a happy 13 year old boy, drug free and happy, but now I'm drug abusing loser.
It started in the 8th grade summer, when I was taking medication for my acne problems. Little did I know that a major side effect of the problem was depression. I became suicidal, and what made it worse was I could only talk to a girl that kept breaking my heart, not even waiting to kiss another boy as she told me she loved me. I was also hurt by the fact my mom had left the house for a while after a fight with my father. My friends had even moved on, ignoring me whenever I wanted advice for my depression. They thought I was being a bitch. I guess I was.
During that summer I met some new friends on the high school football team. They were all talking about how they were all going through phases, and how they all felt good about high school. Being still depressed, I could only talk about problems and issues I had. It wasn't until the last mint of summer until someone on the team recommended I should try smoking pot.
I didn't believe him, as I felt I was a clean and responsible individual, but I was soon convinced that maybe it would help relieve my stress. So one day in the hot summer day, I tried smoking with that kid. Boy did my life change. One puff made me realize what I was missing out on, and little did I realize how good life got.
Freshman year started, and I felt my old friends didn't like me anymore, s...
|Posted by Randy at February 17, 2012
I am a 19 year old college student, i was raised with a murderer for a father and a pretty good mother i amthankful for that.When i was young i was yelled at till i cryed i feel as this was a big problem with me, my father is a poor man addicted to cocaince and marijuana, he lives in a trailer, the roof was blown off in a hurricane, or atleat the second roof so now when it rains, he puts buckets out to catch the water, he would rather spend his money on drugs then fix it.I used to love the rto c it rain, now i feal sad because i know my father is on bucket padrol. He has murdered plp, i havent ever seen this but my mother has told me. when i was young i was tricked into masturbating a man off, at such a young age i had no idea what i was doing, even tho it wasnt like i got but fucked it still hurts i got taken advantage of. My mother eventually got a divorce from my father aftertons of abuse, like hitting and kicking, one night he attemped to murder her, by cutting her neck open. I know all these things about my father but i still love him,sometimes i hope he would die just so i dont have to worry about him anymore.As i entered turned 2 i started experimenting with lots of drugs, i smoked marijuana for 6 years straight, i did lots of cocaine, one time i stole 600 dollors from my mom just to by a oz off cocaine. I mainly blame my depression on extascy i have done at least 300 pilss of x in my life time, some times i felt like dieing after words , and honestly i would have ...
|Posted by .............. at February 10, 2012
2 weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 9 months, the first girl I ever loved. We broke up because she is in college 6 hrs away and Im still in highschol. She loved me and im certain she never cheated on me. I really don' t know why I broke up with her, it broke both our hearts. I guess I was just scared of comittment because next year Im going to college and I dont want to be tied down or anything. In the 9 months that I went out with her I lost almost all my friends. They would always call me to hang out but I would always blow them off for my girlfriend the most important person in the world. Also just recently my parents cought me smoking weed which I smoke about once or twice a month and they freaked out. They took me to family friend that is a doctor who literally bullied me telling me I was a piece of **** drug addict that is never going to be succesful in life. My parents took my door off of my room and said I wasnt aloud anywhere outside of my house for the rest of the year and that they are going to do randomdrug tests. Is.it just me or are they overreacting? I mean I honestly do not have any sort of addiction toarijuana and I am not going to smoke anymore as long as im living with my parents. The point is that everyday I wake up, go to school, come home, lay in bed a couple hours, go to sleep, repeat. Im never even hungry anymore. Ive talking to my ex because we still.want to be friends but it is honestly not working for me. She tells me she goes out to parties almost everynight and it makes me so jealous that i want to cry because im sitting at gome doing nothing. My parents think im some sort of huge drug addict and I still have feelings for my ex. Dont really .know what to do. Im a really good student in school but my parents only see the bad things. At least i have college to look forward to. Idk what to do for now.Dont knowif i should get bac with my ex. life sucks.
|Posted by kaitlyn at February 4, 2012
I feel selfish writing here, because my life doesn't have to be bad. My life has SO much potential and I was given SO many opportunities. And I've done nothing but manage to ruin everything. I came from a upper-middle class family with a nice home, and I made my family's life hell. I was a brat who was unappreciated of my surroundings, thinking I was owed life and rebellion to society was the answer. It landed me with horrible relationships with my parents, brothers, and extensive family for my whole adolescence. I had friends, good friends. I took them for granted. I never returned favors, I traded loyalty for attention, and thought boys were more important than girl friends. They got sick of me and stopped listening. Every time something bad happened it just gave me reason to push into reclusion more. As if I was getting back at the world by not being part of it. I dated boys every one told me not to, and they were abusive physically and emotionally. I went off to college without saying bye to a single person from home except for my mom. I didn't leave my dorm room and did nothing but cry. When I did eventually tried to become social, I realized the window for making new college friends was closed. I met a boy, who I loved. He introduced me to drugs. He abused me. For three years I immersed myself into the drug culture, until I had a psychotic break. It scared me so much I ran from every one I had met as a result of him, probably for the better. I realized I hadn't made...
|Posted by anonymous at January 21, 2012
Well...i spent 17 yrs on drugs,the last 8 or 9 of those shooting heroin, and everything else. I lost custody of my first child & still can't see her. I had a second child last year, he will be 1 in about 2 wks. They took him at birth, but a combination of wanting him with me and just being exhausted of living how i had been made me decide to not only get clean, but to get the help i'd been pushing away for years and actually get sober (there is a difference). I have pushed on and will have a year sober in a little less than a month. I also have the little boy back in my custody. I am in college, my second semester, and on the dean's list with a 4.0. I have a number of things i never had before, but i feel like nothing matters still. Life is catching up with me, physically and emotionally. My hair has been falling out heavily the last cpl months, i am skinny & can't gain weight back, i feel like shit all the time, so apparently something is wrong. Spiritually i feel bankrupt, and when i look at myself in the mirror i still see a sick-looking, used up, ugly, worthless dopehead. Knowing that i am ultimately to blame doesn't make it any better. To make things worse, my son's father (we have been living together) is a sexy dude who dresses to the nine's every day, things constantly go his way,and girls everywhr look at him constantly, like i'm not standing right there. They realize i'm worthless, too, & see me as no competition. I don't have the clothes, looks, or body to be ...
|Posted by anonymous at January 21, 2012
hi im stuck hard! well i was in a serious relationship for bout 6 months i started to settle down because she had a kid an things were starting to go good for me until i joined fb and it all went wrong.after we broke up things just kept goin wrong so called friends started lieing to me and i started becoming paranoid.i started using drugz heavily again and now become insocialable and paranoid all the time iv lost all my so called friends iv found out my x has been sleeping around the group and has now destroyied everything for me. i suffer from social axiety so meeting new people has always been dificult i duno wat to do im stuck an feeling xtremely depressed and i now cant trust no 1 plz help!
|Posted by Steven at January 14, 2012
im 23 years of age and im starting to pull my life back together. ive spent ten, eleven years doing drugs.ive been on everything but roller skates, junk, white, pills, weed, you name it i did it.anyway im not posting a record of what drugs ive done this is more or less my little note of diary, and it starts off in the middle of my story.
im sober for about two months now and its mainly cause i a had what alcholics would call a moment of clarity,or what normal people would call an epiphany. this epiphany i had made me see all my flaws and i realized that i wasted all my time doing drugs when i couldve took that time to grow the fuck up. by that i mean i have no car no home and my family pretty much disowned my sorry ass and at that my fathers the only person who reluctantly talks to me on occasion and at that the little bit we do talk he always throws my past in my face. my whole thing now is picking up whatevers left of my life and moving on to a better life.
i met my girlfriend around august and so we had our fare share of screwing shit up together. we spent more money on getting high and screwing up, had an abortion and two miscarriage with my girl and shes always been more straight edge then myself. we fucked everything up in a very short amount of time.
her parents disowned her cause shes been with me and all we've been doing is getting our lives in order.
ive been sober since the last miscarriage in october and ive been trying to get job at an envelope factory but theres never any end to the bullshit. i was supposed to start at that job two weeks ago but because theres no openings i wont hear nothing till february anyway life is bullshit and im done..
|Posted by anonymous at December 26, 2011
I have lost all if my friends because I have turned to drugs but in the process realized that nobody has ever really been there for me except for one girl. I feel unloved by my family and see my life heading down hill but don't plan on changing it (but really who cares because I have one friend). My whole family is fucked up, and the rumors about me don't stop. I have stopped caring about my morals and have recently lost my virginity to someone who I barely even knew. One of my best friend chooses popularity over me and all my friends like her more, so she decided to steal them all away from me. I cannot see anything in a positive way anymore and worry about losing my one friend and being completely alone. I am also dropping everyone else just to spend time with my one friend so I don't have to deal with people I don't hate. I do drugs and drink to forget you. Life sucks and everybody is a piece of shit. There is no point in life besides dying and friendships and loved ones mean nothing in the end. FUCK LIFE.
|Posted by aliyah lee at November 22, 2011
I'm having a heard time i dated this guy for 7 years. When I was seventeen I got pregnent at 17 he wouldnt help me I got a job well still going to high school because he claimed he wasn't gunna help at all. One day we got in a really bad fight because I found out he was cheating on me. We got into a rlly bad fight and he beat me soo hard I was in alotta pain I was 4 and a half months pregnent at the time. I knew someting was really so I went to the doctor I lost the baby it really fucked me up watching the ba. Life by come out of me and die. I started to get really depressed I kept trying to kill myself. I gradated high school thinking I wouldnt see my ex anymore I'd et over things I couldnt I kept trying to kill myself. Finally I started doing cocaine everything was good until I started doing crack.. I couldnt suppourt my habbit I bacame a prouite at 21. I got arrested for crack now I might go to jail its not far I've lost everything to drugs . Everyone says I'm to young to do drugs and walk the streets at 21 but I miss my baby I'm soo sad over it I go trew so much shit. All I'm doing is numbing the pain of losing my baby boy