|Posted by cygnusmom at June 12, 2012
the pain of losing my son to suicide...and the guilt and confusion and shock of it have weighed so heavily on me that it makes me want to escape from the pain..i don't want to hurt others, but i'm finding that i cannot envision a life with any happiness at this point. so i want to leave this world. and i hope...though its probably futile, that if i leave this world, that i can see,or feel the presence of my son again. i want to die. but i'm not sure how to do it w/out hurting others...how to make it look like an accident...
|Posted by anonymous at June 7, 2012
My dog was beautiful, happy, and sweet. I loved her. We ran and played in the sun and the rain, and she always welcomed my company. She got old and sick, and finally I had to let her go to end her pain. The veterinarian gave her an injection and she started to drift away to sleep. The last thing she ever did was raise her head and lick my cheek. She died in my arms and I left her there, my best friend, gone forever.
|Posted by anonymous at June 7, 2012
My brother was killed in a traffic accident, then my parents died within three weeks of each other. I found my dad stiff and cold in a puddle of blood with a gun in his hand. My career has totally crapped out on me and I'm too old to start over again. My wife has many interests, none of which happen to be me. Every friend I have ever had has betrayed or dumped me. I have no family, no friends, and nobody to talk to. I haven't had a conversation with anyone in so long that I don't know how any more and I'm becoming afraid of dealing with people. I truly have nothing left to live for.
|Posted by gothgirl555 at April 23, 2012
first, i lost my mom. 2 months later my dad killed himself. my sister and i were on our own with no money. my parents didn't have any money to give to us. were currently living in my grandmas house who is about to die from cancer. we are broke and unemployed. my boyfriend cheated on me with a hooker. my sister is doing drugs. what do i do.
|Posted by anonymous at April 21, 2012
My mother passed away last year, and the anniversary of her death is tomorrow. I act happy and cheerful and put a smile on for everyone else, but on the inside I'm crumbling apart. Sometimes it doesn't seem like life is even worth living at all. I can't find a purpose: I'm not doing well in school, I just lost my wallet, I'm afraid my sister will have to drop out of college because of financial reasons, my dad is an selfish ass-hole, and to top it off, I no longer have a mother. I don't know what to do, I'm confused, lonely, and depressed.
|Posted by anonymous at April 17, 2012
I know, once I tell you what is going on in my head, you will tell me to seek help... but I am passed that thing - I'm not going to do anything about it. I will quietly wait until something - something so bad will happen, that I will finish the misery. I hate life - every day of it, every minute of it. And this is horrific type of hate, the kind that withdrew me from friends and society. I am struggling - struggling to see anything there is. I keep asking why am I a coward to finish it. I think everything turned worse the day I saw death taking my love away - I realized the truth. I beat my self, because this is the only way I make my self do something.. not always but often. Very often I wish that my face would be horrific - so that people truly see what I am - from inside out. I knew I had problems - he, my dearest, had to witness the lack of my enthusiasm. Even though he passed away for medical reason, I know I quietly ate his life away. Someone, who was so full of life and happiness, living with someone who is dreaming about the death, will not last long. I lied to my self for t oo long... believing I can do it, I can change. But I didn't and I won't change...ever. I have no faith for life, I have no faith for people... I don't pity my self - I simply hate my self. The strongest hate there is.. if you'd be with me in the same room - I'd drain you.
I keep asking why do I wake up every morning just to wake up to another hateful day. And I can't talk... I can't hurt people more than they already are. Even then, telling won't change how I feel. There is nothing to life.. I do things which put me in to "red flag" folders... and oh, there is soon many of those.
Don't pity me - I see the truth, just can't accept it completely just yet!
|Posted by anonymous at April 5, 2012
Out of nowhere, in February 2011, my 16 year old son passed away (heartbroken doesn't even describe it) ...he had an underlying heart condition that we never knew about....two months later, my beloved dad passed away, four months later, my mother passed away.
This spring, I was removed from being at the top of my volunteer charity because there was a change in administration.
Today, I was told that the position I LOVE and worked very hard maintaining (going WELL beyond my job description), is being pulled back for someone who is angry, loud, miserable, and needs to retire.
I am devistated. I have little to no family left, and I don't have any friends due to the "clicks" at work. They only thing I had left was my job that I excell(ed) at. I already spoke to my boss, and his mind is made up. Having such a passion for what I do, that I was overcome with anxiety and GI problems, that I had to leave work. By the way, the news came in am e-mail.
Please don't say I need to change jobs, etc.
I feel that I have been pulled down in the mud, kicked, and spit on. I don't know what to do. I am so alone.
|Posted by gowilla at April 3, 2012
I keep trying to move on with my life as i have lost a family member or a friend to death every year for that last seven years the last couple have been multiple. not like ants or grand parents but cousins and friends in the 20's. one just got a cold that turned into hypothermia. Then his blood became septic and he past. another just did hart stopped dont know why. another o.d. on pills and booze ( was not suicide just dum). i have lost a few more then just them.
My Job life has been a joke tried to go to college but then bills piled and i was learning things that i would never use in the career choice that a made witch was diesel mechanics they wanted me to take algebra II. The hardest mathematical problem you would have to use is division. then you have to take history and other pointless classes when trying to learn a career. You also dont learn as much because all your money is spent on shit classes then your actual training. Its a joke this hole life we r told to live is a joke. Best school i have ever been too was uti but when you r done with everything it coast you 64k or more without heaving a place to live wile you r there. but no shit classes. life sucks because of arrangement pricks that r born into money dont understand what its like to try to better yourself without money. This country would have better advancement if they got strait to the point morale would be better this country would be better.
|Posted by Darkest Days at March 25, 2012
As all of your stories tell of your problems and how you cant stand your lives, I am still conveinced we can change them. This means we must change who we are. I have had 32 years of complete missery and gloom to figure this out!
My story is Im the old child father left at age 7 never looked back, mother worked all day 6 days a week after work she spent her time on the phone. later as I grew older she cared more about spending time with her boyfriend then me or my brother. Was a virgin till age 18 was totally in love got dumped cause she graduated. Met her friend she was on the shot she didnt get it cause we kept breaking up. got her pregnent and married her. We were totally un compatable and was misserable but faithful for over 11 years. She decided she wanted more in life so she brought home the painter painting her office one day and said he is moving in. 11 years and 4 children later I got the shaft. I divorced her. me and my new girlfriend moved in together and had the worst financial problems of our lives. we had a baby and he past away 4 days after birth. all through the relationship she lied to me still seeing the man she married just before we hooked up talking and txting him all day in front of me ignoring me. now there is no sex anymore and back on the phone. My problem is Im a cool guy everyone likes me when Im alone. I need to focus on my kids and self. I need to start running up through those hood rats. Im done with monogomy. All my hair is falling out from all the stress in my life. all the bills child support and takening care of kids non stop is killing me.
Off to TJ im telling you if I am to ever fix myself this is not the way.
|Posted by sumguy at March 20, 2012
i am a 35 year old man. i am a council. my hours are long and my work never seems to dissapear. my wife left me and my only child has died. none of my family members want anything to do with me. i dont have many firends. my work is stressing me out. i have only been promoted once by my old boss. which was in 2004. ever since then i have never been promoted, in fact i have been demoted. my bills are building up and i have pain all over my body. i cant afford much. i live in a flat with one bedroom, a toilet (very small) and a living room. my tv is anologue so it wont work in april. i am NOT LUCKY AT ALL. I AM VERY LONELY AND STRESSED. what can i do. i want to commit suicide but i want to find an alternative. can someone help?
|Posted by anonymous at March 8, 2012
My family is dead. I'm 20. No money, no credit. The help I receive I get from people who aren't obligated to help. The debts are too high- moral and monetary.
There's one person who should help and doesn't. My grandmother just makes things worse.
My dad died when I was 15. He had a genetic disease that killed him... his pain levels gave him a hemorrhage in his head. I have the same disease.
My mom and stepdad died in a plane crash on Dec. 24th 2011. My christmas could never be the same again.
I am so busy. All day, every day, for months now I've just been digging myself out of this shit and taking care of business.
I can hardly lift myself from this bed. I am in agony.
No friends my age.
I am thankful for my apartment. I am so extremely lucky for it. I am lucky and thankful for the people who have stepped up in my life and supported me through this very tough transition. It's about to run out though, I can feel it.
"Transition into what?" I ask myself. Still I don't know... As much as I wish for school, I'm no longer optimistic. No time, energy, money, and my old student loans are probably in collections by now.
All I can do is pray and listen to the blues with my screwdrivers mixed heavy and my harp played way down low.
One way or another,
I will survive.
|Posted by Steve at March 6, 2012
I'm 52 and was married for 27 years. Five years ago my 17 year old son took his life. It tore out my heart and soul. My wife and I vowed that we wouldn't become another divorce statistic from losing a child. Things seemed to be getting a little better until I found out she was seeing someone else. That tore out what heart I had left. Money is tough too. In 2008 I made $116,000 and in 2010 I made $10,000 at the same sales job. I live in my sisters basement with my two best friends (dogs). They keep me alive but I'm wondering how much longer I can do this. I'm seriously considering taking my life but I don't want to hurt my girls Bella and Ginger (my dogs). I'm just so tired of being lonely and don't know how much longer I can do this. My guess is I'll die alone and be happy with my last breath.
|Posted by anonymous at March 3, 2012
My mother died in 2010.
My father died today.
They both commited suicide.
I'm fifteen years old.
I have seen more sadness than I ever thought possible.
And what's worse, others have hell.
Is there any happiness in this strange existence?
|Posted by anonymous at February 24, 2012
I am 19 years old. And everyone I have ever loved in my entire life is dead. I'm not exaggerating.
My baby brother died when I was 10. We were playing down by the lake like we always did, and he fell in. I didn't know how to swim, I was scared of the water. I remember watching him struggle to stay afloat and I was screaming at my parents to come and help. But they were in the house and it wasn't within earshot of the lake. Finally he stopped struggling and just disappeared, I jumped in, I couldn't stand by and do nothing, that was the moment I taught myself to swim. I dove underneath and tried to open my eyes to look for him but the water was muddy and I couldn't see anything. I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe even when I was above water. I finally managed to grab his hand and pull him out. My parents had seen what was happening by then and ran to help. I can still here my mom screaming. She just wouldn't stop screaming. When the ambulance came he was pronounced dead at the scene, he was just six.
My parents died 5 years later in a car accident. It was raining and they skidded off the road and over bank. My father died instantly but my mom didn't. I was called out of class in school to be told what happened. They took me to the hospital where they had my mom on bypass. I got to say goodbye to her, but her injuries were too severe for her to survive. I don't know how I managed to get through that. The called my aunt to come and help me t...
|Posted by cygnusmom at February 21, 2012
My heart still aches...it has been over 9 months since my son took his life. I keep wishing that I'd visited him up at school a day before he did this, on his birthday. I may have seen signs if I had done so! He may have put this off and reconsidered, had he seen me. Had he come home for the summer after college--I may have had opp. to see how sad he was and gotten him help. At the very least, I could have hugged him and told him I loved him one last time. He killed himself the day before he was supposed to return from college, one day after his 20th birthday. I still can't believe this is real sometimes. I feel as though I am in a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. I miss him so much and hope so much that he is at peace and happy and safe. I worry that there is nothing after this life, and that he is completely gone and that I will never get to feel his presence ever again. I will never be a grandmother-I may as well start smoking again if i want to. I quit to see my boy and his children. I was the type of person that would have gladly quit her job to watch his children. I wanted to take him and his family to Europe some day, to the Outer Banks..to anywhere he wanted to go. I loved him. I sometimes wonder if he loved me. How could he leave like this, without even saying goodbye, without letting me help when I offered..how could he do this when I know that he knew my heart would ache for an eternity-it makes me think that he must have hated me.....held me in little regard...had no respect or love for me.
|Posted by doug at February 15, 2012
Im 60 yeats old.the woman who made me abetter person just died 400 am this morning.she had ahead ach sunday the 12th sh, surgurye had a glioblastoma, death senence inless than 3 months. surgery to try to get 1 year. never recovered to nsay goodbye. she died today 20th in my arms. had the drugs to go with her but my 86 year old mother wouldnt let me.totally lost. when mother goes so do i
|Posted by Suzy Q at February 11, 2012
When my son was murdered my whole life fell apart. My mind has been so messed up I can't keep a job must less find one. I isolate from everyone and at the same time I am lonely. I hate my life. Since I was fired from my last job things went from bad to worse. My utilities are being turned off and I am losing my house along with my mind. So many bad things have happened lately and the pain is becoming unbearable and all I want to do is die. I wrote this letter tonight to the person who killed my son. No one was ever arrested and now it is a cold case. I would like to share my letter.
You are the lowest piece of scum on earth. You only think of yourself and you are very selfish and evil. As a matter of fact you should not have the pleasure of awakening to another day, seeing the sun rise or seeing your first child being born. I wish I could take that away from you and all you love because you don't deserve it. Instead everyday should bring you misery and pain because that is what you did to me the day you brutally murdered my son.
I know you have not been caught yet but I know who you are and how I would love to torture you to death. I have been tortured everyday since you murdered my son. I hate you and everything you love. The hatred is deep in my soul. You did not just kill my son, you hurt everyone who loved him. I could not and never will forgive you. See, you stole my life that day and I blame every horrible thing that has happen...
|Posted by Fara at February 7, 2012
Two months before my seventh birthday my mom died in front of me. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.
I am an only child, never met my father and I don't have a close nit family. I don't have a close friend to turn to or a boyfriend either. I'm truly alone. That's what makes life even harder to live. When you look around and realize that no one is there. That has to be the second most painful feeling in the world.
I'm 25 yrs old now and I have found that time does not heal all wounds. My heart aches as much today as it did 19 yrs ago. I'm honestly don't know why I haven't taken my own life.
|Posted by anonymous at February 5, 2012
I had the perfect life 2 growen up children both with good jobs one a doctor the other an officer in the navy, a wonderfull husband a loving mum and dad i was doing a nursing degree .then bang my husband who was 55 died of a heart attack the day of his funeral ny mum took ill was in and out of hospital for a year i was the only family membre who lived close to my parents so whilst greving for my husband i had a very sick mun to look after and elderly father to support and try to study for my degree mum died a year after my husband 3 weeks after mum died dad took ill and died 6 months later. some how i managed to get my degree but cant get a job. i have a geanetic illness and at the moment cant for some reason get my medication i feel like shite all my friends think i am copping well i cant tell them the truth i an so depressed and lonely it is hard for me to get out of bed i put on a happy face to the world but some days i feel so alone i want to end my life
|Posted by BexRae at February 5, 2012
Hello...My name is Bex. Im from Minnesota & im 30. Here goes: U think your life sucks, well read some of MY misfortunes & maybe youll be a little more appreciative of your own life. #1: my grandpa dies. #2. two months later my DAD dies (9 months ago) & i had to sit DAILY & slowly watch him die before me. Then i had to cremate him, his urn now sits in my home. #3: add a crippling drug addiction to the mix, which everyone shuns you for, even though youre only human. #4: have a sick mother you care for on a daily basis & cry yourself to sleep every fucking night cuz youre afraid youre gonna lose her next AND find out ur 27yr old brother is going to die because of HIS drug addiction that caused an irreversible condition (talk shit & i SWEAR ill hurt you) . #5: carry the weight of your ex beating & raping you into your next relationship to the point where its ruined so much of what youve built together that its no longer fixable. #6: become agoraphobic because you suffer from chronic pain to the point where it hurts to even itch your own skin, & cuz of that pain u have no friends & never make plans or leave ur apartment. i lost my friends over this & the fact that i developed a drug addiction from having to be medicated for my chronic pain. #7: add depression & panic disorder AND losing 8 people in 4yrs to said addiction & tell me ur addiction & pain wouldnt get worse over time. LOOK, i know some have it worse than i do BUT dont come here & bitch & moan about how ur roomate ma...