|Posted by cygnusmom at June 12, 2012|
the pain of losing my son to suicide...and the guilt and confusion and shock of it have weighed so heavily on me that it makes me want to escape from the pain..i don't want to hurt others, but i'm finding that i cannot envision a life with any happiness at this point. so i want to leave this world. and i hope...though its probably futile, that if i leave this world, that i can see,or feel the presence of my son again. i want to die. but i'm not sure how to do it w/out hurting others...how to make it look like an accident...
|Posted by cygnusmom at May 31, 2012|
Losing someone to suicide is the most horrible, complicated kind of loss I have been through. When a loved one dies in an accident or by cancer--you aren't left agonizing over what you had missed, how you could have saved them, why didn't they care about you enough to stick around. If you kill yourself, I can tell you, you will leave the most terrible form of grief for those around you to live with, a grief that they will likely never get over, but possibly may learn to live with. I urge you--no matter how dark of a place you are in-please, seek out treatment-serious treatment-meaning if you are serious about suicide, call 911 right now. I don't believe that people kill themselves out of selfishness, but I do think that most are very sensitive human beings that would not want to leave so much sorrow in their wake if they knew the impact that killing themselves has on those left behind. People I would never imagine, were so hurt, so saddened, so depressed, when my son took his life. I have to be on medication and work strenuously every day to stay out of an abysmal sorrow that will take me away from the ones I love that are still here and need me as a result.
|Posted by anonymous at March 30, 2012|
I am in my 30's...I lost my wife and my infant son in a car accident a few years ago. My wife was my college sweetheart and my son's smile lit up a room. They were my entire life.
Shortly afterwards, I lost most of my wealth (over $150k) b/c of the economic collapse.
Because of this and a job loss (basically fired b/c I no longer cared), I foreclosed on my home. I now have an income but it is barely enough to live on, and I live with a relative and his wife, but I NEVER leave my room or the house as I do not have a car any longer. I think about suicide EVERY day.
I am missing most of my front teeth because of a childhood accident and failed dental work, and I have no insurance of any kind. Even if I did have the money I am not sure I would care enough to fix them any longer.
I have no friends at all anymore, no human interaction except a short conversation I may have with my relative and his wife maybe once per week.. They are so nice to let me live here b/c I know I am a burden and depressing to be around.
I am alone in the world and miss my family so much. I wish all of you the best, life should not be this hard.
|Posted by anonymous at March 3, 2012|
My mother died in 2010.
My father died today.
They both commited suicide.
I'm fifteen years old.
I have seen more sadness than I ever thought possible.
And what's worse, others have hell.
Is there any happiness in this strange existence?
|Posted by anonymous at February 24, 2012|
I am 19 years old. And everyone I have ever loved in my entire life is dead. I'm not exaggerating.
My baby brother died when I was 10. We were playing down by the lake like we always did, and he fell in. I didn't know how to swim, I was scared of the water. I remember watching him struggle to stay afloat and I was screaming at my parents to come and help. But they were in the house and it wasn't within earshot of the lake. Finally he stopped struggling and just disappeared, I jumped in, I couldn't stand by and do nothing, that was the moment I taught myself to swim. I dove underneath and tried to open my eyes to look for him but the water was muddy and I couldn't see anything. I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe even when I was above water. I finally managed to grab his hand and pull him out. My parents had seen what was happening by then and ran to help. I can still here my mom screaming. She just wouldn't stop screaming. When the ambulance came he was pronounced dead at the scene, he was just six.
My parents died 5 years later in a car accident. It was raining and they skidded off the road and over bank. My father died instantly but my mom didn't. I was called out of class in school to be told what happened. They took me to the hospital where they had my mom on bypass. I got to say goodbye to her, but her injuries were too severe for her to survive. I don't know how I managed to get through that. The called my aunt to come and help me t...
|Posted by cygnusmom at February 21, 2012|
My heart still aches...it has been over 9 months since my son took his life. I keep wishing that I'd visited him up at school a day before he did this, on his birthday. I may have seen signs if I had done so! He may have put this off and reconsidered, had he seen me. Had he come home for the summer after college--I may have had opp. to see how sad he was and gotten him help. At the very least, I could have hugged him and told him I loved him one last time. He killed himself the day before he was supposed to return from college, one day after his 20th birthday. I still can't believe this is real sometimes. I feel as though I am in a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. I miss him so much and hope so much that he is at peace and happy and safe. I worry that there is nothing after this life, and that he is completely gone and that I will never get to feel his presence ever again. I will never be a grandmother-I may as well start smoking again if i want to. I quit to see my boy and his children. I was the type of person that would have gladly quit her job to watch his children. I wanted to take him and his family to Europe some day, to the Outer Banks..to anywhere he wanted to go. I loved him. I sometimes wonder if he loved me. How could he leave like this, without even saying goodbye, without letting me help when I offered..how could he do this when I know that he knew my heart would ache for an eternity-it makes me think that he must have hated me.....held me in little regard...had no respect or love for me.
|Posted by Suzy Q at February 11, 2012|
When my son was murdered my whole life fell apart. My mind has been so messed up I can't keep a job must less find one. I isolate from everyone and at the same time I am lonely. I hate my life. Since I was fired from my last job things went from bad to worse. My utilities are being turned off and I am losing my house along with my mind. So many bad things have happened lately and the pain is becoming unbearable and all I want to do is die. I wrote this letter tonight to the person who killed my son. No one was ever arrested and now it is a cold case. I would like to share my letter.
You are the lowest piece of scum on earth. You only think of yourself and you are very selfish and evil. As a matter of fact you should not have the pleasure of awakening to another day, seeing the sun rise or seeing your first child being born. I wish I could take that away from you and all you love because you don't deserve it. Instead everyday should bring you misery and pain because that is what you did to me the day you brutally murdered my son.
I know you have not been caught yet but I know who you are and how I would love to torture you to death. I have been tortured everyday since you murdered my son. I hate you and everything you love. The hatred is deep in my soul. You did not just kill my son, you hurt everyone who loved him. I could not and never will forgive you. See, you stole my life that day and I blame every horrible thing that has happen...
|Posted by anonymous at December 25, 2011|
This year has been the worst at the beginning if this year I lost my son when he was only six days old turns out a nurse over fed him and burst his intestines, a few months later I lost my mother in law from an accidental overdose my husband went crazy with grief and we had to move in with his grandfather cause we lost our house. A few more months went by and everything started looking up and I started getting sick all the time I was in and out if the hospital from my heart messing up and I was fainting from any amount of stress. I was fired from my jib of two years so they could replace me with my managers neice...... its now Christmas and it sucks even worst I miss my son and everyone keeps sending me shit about babies and happy this and happy that screw it all
|Posted by anonymous at November 23, 2011|
I know i'm going to do nothing but make myself look bad..but..It's cheaper than therapy... Anyway, here we go. I'm 29 now.. I've been drinking around 7 beers a day for the last year or so now..weekends sometimes much, much more..I admit, I thought it wasn't a big deal at first..I grew up in a loving yet emotionally-detatched family, and beer has always been around me...started drinking when I turned 18 or so...because I was shy and insecure..it was never more than maybe a 12 pack a week..
That might still seem like a lot to some but, I think I really started to lose control after my girlfriend died 3 years ago...I really have never hurt so much in my life, and still do...Since she's been gone, I have completly lost all confidence in myself, I feel so lost without her..the funny thing is, towards the end..We drifted apart..We fought a lot..I never hit her or anything..but the truth is, most of my friends and family didn't think we were good for each other but it didn't matter..I Loved her..you see..she didn't have a family really..she had a fucked-up childhood..and her mom and dad both died when she was young..She always seemed so haunted..but she was Beautiful..
..I saw her in this hospital bed a day before she died with all these tubes going down her throat helping her breathe because she had no brain-activity.....I knew right there...I wasn't going to be able to handle seeing that..So..I talked about it with people..But, the hollowness I felt never...
|Posted by anonymous at October 31, 2011|
My only son committed suicide Oct.31,1999 - My darling wife of 43 years did the same on May 10,2010. I have a daughter 42 that seems to blame me for their deaths and will have nothing to do with me.
My son had a wife and 5 children when he took his life after losing his job, his home, and his wife to divorce.
My wife fell, broke her back, and couldn't get the doctors to believe just how much pain she was suffering, and took her life when I was away buying groceries.
I am 69 years old, living all alone in a huge house with nothing but my darling wife's little chihuahua and my memories of when I was a family man.
They are wonderful memories and they are all that I have to live for now.
Each day is nothing but a consistant repitition of previous days,television, playing with the chihuahua,checking for mail that never comes,paying a phone bill for a phone that never rings,and talking to my departed wife as if she was still here with me. Life for me is a heavy weight around my shoulders that gets heavier with each passing day. I bought a .45 caliber handgun and keep it for the day that all this finally gets to me. If it is true that there is life after death, I long to be with my dear sweet wife again forever and always.
|Posted by cygnusmom at October 8, 2011|
My life feels like it's over. My creative, funny, kind, smart and sensitive son took his own life in May, a day after his 20th birthday. I need to tell anyone that is contemplating suicide: please seek help. please talk to your loved ones/Mom, etc. My heart, and so many others are broken. We "survivors", if you can call it that, are in shock, feeling the most incredible despair, and asking ourselves every day " what did I miss", "how did I fail him", and thinking that we must have fucked up royally for this to be. It's easy and tempting to blame one another-more hurt! I am so depressed and have so little left, that I can't pick up the phone when a friend or family member calls. I have trouble interacting with my husband or anyone, my despair runs so deep. So on top of losing the love of my life, my son, I'm losing everyone else as well. I beat myself up for missing signs. I retrace every f'ing step I ever took as a parent. I feel like my whole life must have been a fucking lie that I told myself, because I had though I was a good mother and had a happy and well adjusted son, who wouldn't call me back b/c he was knee deep in exams! Now I know otherwise. He must have felt alienated from me. Why else would he have not reached out to me for help when I told him several times that he could talk to me about anything, that breakups happen and it gets better, that we'd love him regardless of sexual orientation, etc., etc...my words must have seemed empty to him. Because he didn't reach back and he fucking offed himself. I must be a hideous, horrible human being. I must have failed him beyond belief, for this to happen.
|Posted by dontaskdonttell at September 27, 2011|
I'm a lesbian teenager living in Texas, and I had a steady girlfriend for a year and a half.
I was bullied constantly at school for being gay, or being "emo", and basically just for being different.
I began cutting myself at age 10, and contemplating suicide by 12.
My girlfriend had a lot of the same issues as I did.
We would always randomly surprise each other by just showing up at their house, and on this Monday night last July, nothing was different. I knew she was home, I knocked on the door and her step-mom answered. She told me my girlfriend was in her room, so I headed back there and opened the door.
At first I thought she was standing in the closet. Then I noticed the blood on the wall and the shoelace tied around her neck.
|Posted by Watcher281 at September 27, 2011|
If I was to tell all my story then their would be a lot of public scrutiny. But to sum it up, I might be able to use a few paragraphs. I'm 37 about to be 38. I look good so people tell me but I've been divorced once 2 kids with a mom that committed suicide. Not like I didn't already brand myself by slashing my arms over 48 times. I get with a woman I think is not going to have more medical mental problems and have 2 more kids. She has escalating mental problems due to disability, turns to drugs and I leave her. I raise these kids on a daily basis thinking they are what I live for. Joke is on me. They are all female and here I am raising 4 girls all alone. I cry every day wishing I was dead. I get laid off of a job after 6 years. I move thinking there's gotta be more of a life for me elsewhere. I still want to end my life on a daily basis. I know better because their are 3 girls that depend on me still for 1 has reached 18. Nobody is hiring. Some stupid ass named Rick perry wants to allow more aliens to take our jobs from us and my unemployment will run out soon. Aliens that could have committed God knows what crimes come to our country and takes our jobs while our people with only misdemeanors suffer with our families. Thanks Rick Perry! You a bright fucker. So while I sit back allowing bright fuckers determine the fate of how my family life is I will live off the states until someone with brains step in. Well, my life isn't just his fault. It's my very own. I made my mistakes. I love females but every damn one of them have done me wrong, including my female kids. I just have to wait till they are old enough to do so. More so they just enhance me wanting to kill myself but I know different. Anybody with common sense would not have children. Don't ever invite a child to an evil world such as this one. I wish I was never born. LIFE JUST SUCKS!
|Posted by Cliche at September 18, 2011|
My story is long. Too long and too painful. Anyone out there ever have their spouse cheat on them while they are slaving away as the trial attorney in a death penalty case? Anyone out there ever ever watch their mother wither away from a stroke and die 7 days later? Anyone then experience their father do the same on the 3 month anniversary of their mother being declared brain dead? Lost the husband. Lost the mother. Lost the father. I am lost.
This was just the abbreviated version. Takers?
|Posted by anonymous at September 14, 2011|
sorry if my english is worse... it's not my native language. my life sucks since my fiancée died 7 years ago... now i'm depressed and lost my job and everything. she was all I ever had. she was a wonderful person and such a beautiful girl... and her love was so deep... it's a shame. I often think about our wonderful 3 years... with all sweet little moments... and i hate myself for watching tv or other useless stuff at that black day instead of just holding her in my arms... today i'm 30 years old and have cried so many days and nights. I feel almost dead inside now.
|Posted by Life can always be worse... at September 12, 2011|
Im 31 years old this coming month. Im a Marine Corps combat vet, and a former Deputy Sheriff among a few of my lifes adventures and an empty shattered broken shell of the person I once was. Its not that I hate life its just that my entire life ive done everything that im supposed to do and acheived much. What Ive learned that life can always get worse, and just when you think your ahead it always finds a way to kick you in the head while your down then grab your nuts twist and spit in your face while your still trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
My wife of 11 years decided to kill herself in May, on her birthday no less. She had it all planned out it seems. Waited till myself and our 2 year old were out of town and then got all fucked up on sleeping pills and booze. She then tied a bag around her head and filled it with helium in leathal dose.
Oh ya, did I mention she was terminally ill too?....We had been fighting it for a couple of years but she just gave up. Now Im alone again with our child who I have to explain this too someday. Like I havnt been through enough hell on this earth enough already I have to do it alone now without the one person I loved and trusted. Whats worse is If I didnt have my daughter I would join her.
I long for death and release from this life, I hate it and all; its trivial bullshit and all the stupid fucking people that take everything for granted. Oh ya I had the whole fucked up childhood just like everyone else but as shitty as that is people it comes down to choices. You always have a choice no matter what the circumstances.
I guess what I want to know is "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS???.
Oh and just remember if your fucking cursed like me "Life can always get worse so lose heart and dont depend on anyone to help you there are no happy endings in this life just suffering...
|Posted by Shadow at August 23, 2011|
I read some of your comments and stories...And i agree life can get hard sometimes...2 years ago my husband walked out on myself and our 2 beautiful daughters...Shortly after that tradgey claimed them both....Every day its a fight not to give in and just give up....But then through the tears and the heartbreak i see the little things in life...Like how they loved the sound of the birds in the morning.Or how they loved to watch the sunrise and set.So yeah life can really suck sometimes but its still worth living....
|Posted by Too Much at August 23, 2011|
I've spent the last 7 months taking care of my beloved sister as she transcended from fighting horrible cancer to dying. It's the worst thing that I've ever gone through. She was my best friend, we raised our kids together, I was by her side for for every doctor's appointment, every chemo treatment, every hospital stay. For 7 months everything I did revolved around her and her needs. It's been almost 4 weeks and I still can't get through 2 hours without breaking down and crying. My husband has been out of work for 5 years following an accident. We are waiting to find out if he qualifies for disability money from SS. We have $135 in our bank account. My salary does not cover our monthly bills. I don't answer the phone because it might be another creditor calling. My other sister has been out of work for 4 years and has not been able to get another job. She spends hours on the computer researching and applying for positions without luck. I help her out whenever I can. My mother is very elderly and frail. The death of my sister has knocked the breath out of her. I fear that I will also lose her soon. I am so tired and depressed. I don't know where I will find the strength to go on. I have so many people that depend on me . . . but I'm all used up, there isn't anything left to give.
|Posted by stevie at August 21, 2011|
I lost my husband 8 weeks ago today and im so depressed, we were together 10 yrs and married only 2 and half of those, he was the love of my life. We have 3 kids together, 8, 6, and 3 yrs old. I am so lonely and depressed, some days I dont even want to move but i have no choice i have 3 kids, they keep me going. I miss him like crazy I have never lost anybody close to me and this just blew me over and knocked my whole world out of whack. I try to smile and keep going but im sorry im tired of trying to be strong, thats what people tell me, just stay strong, i want to say you freaking stay strong see how you would feel if it happened to you? Strong is not an easy thing to do. How do I keep going when I love him so much and just wish I could crawl into a hole and never come out. Not many people become widows at 27 yrs old. Im blessed because i have good kids that i love to death but i miss my baby, i miss his texts while im at work, i miss his kisses and his love its like God made him just for me and then when we finally got our lives together God takes him, Im so tired and want to go back into time but I cant. I have to force myself to go on. this is the worst feeling ever. I just wanted to let it out.
|Posted by CynusMom at August 12, 2011|
My son was my life...I was never a helicopter parent, but I nurtured him and loved him as best as I could and according to his cues as he grew into young adulthood and seemed to be sensible, capable and trustworthy. This spring my heart was ripped out of my chest...my barely 20 yr old son took his own life. I am in shock. I am now questioning everything that I thought was true and that had value in my life. For example...I've always had a job, but never got too immersed in my career..I thought I was a good mother...that was the only thing that I really thought I was good at actually...now i'm left wondering: was my whole life, who I thought my son was, what I thought I was, all an illusion, a lie that I told myself?? On top of that I'm filled with sorry every day and guilt too..i wonder, and in retrospect see signs..they aren't obvious but they ARE there. and i think why the fuck didn't i be a nosy mom, why the fuck didn't i save him!? I used to talk and joke with younger parents..now I feel that I am horrible, inept and don't have any right to give advice or guidance..my child killed himself. i feel like others are judging me..what the hell did she do to fuck him up that badly?? it hurts too that i was always so proud and happy to talk about my kid but i feel his legacy is a sad and even somewhat shameful one (on me more than him). I can't hurt my husband or my childs friends, but my god...i very often go to work and want to just jump off of the building...i don't think that my life will ever have real happiness again...i don't think that i can like myself anymore...if there is something after this i'd like to be with my child