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Why bother?

Posted by anonymous at March 31, 2011
Tags: Addictions  Alcohol  Drugs  Health  Loneliness  2011 March  Mistakes  Unemployment

I am a 36yo guy. I come from a good family, never abused, no fkd up childhood or anything. But i ended up partying alot as a kid and by the time i was 18 i was trying heroin and within a short period of time i was a junkie. I managed to support my habit for 10 years or so by stealing from my family mostly after i had lost everything i had. They were amazingly understanding and just wanted to see me get better as anyone would. Eventually they had no choice but to press charges because it was the only way to protect themselves. I spent 5 years in prison and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.I never touched it again after in was released in 2006. I was extremely excited about my future at this point...

Unfortunately i began drinking heavily and drank between a pint and a 5th of bourbon every night for the first year and a half i was out. But i was doing great, i had a good job, and apt and a g/f. But i had contracted hep-c as a result of my drug use and alcohol is like pouring gas on a fire when you have a liver disease. So eventually i was able to get off the booze...anyway, fast forward to now..

I am not a 36 yo man that is unemployed bc i got injured and could no longer work at construction. I don't know exactly how bad my heath really is, although considering ive had hep-c for about 10 years now and 3 of those years were literally spent drinking heavily and daily. So i imagine not good, i see physical signs of liver problems, but i have no insurance, nor money, nor even a family practitioner anymore(another story) t find out hoe bad things really are. But i cannot find work in this economy. I have no real job history and nothing past a hs diploma. I have 9 felony convictions though, which pretty much prevents me from getting even a first interview, and these are all kid jobs basically as i have no qualifications to apply for anything that might actually support me.

Bottom line, the only things i have to look forward to in my life is watching the only people i care about and care about me die and then growing sicker and dying myself. Which begs the question why bother???

Do i really want to trudge through more of this miserable life just to have the pleasure of more pain and suffering? I have no real friends of a g/f these days. When i have a problem, or just need someone to talk to, i have no one... I am always on the verge of tears. All it takes is to think a few seconds about my life and i can start bawling... I've never been like this before, and i find myself desperately looking for anything to occupy my mind because thats the only time im not thinking about how pointless my existence is. I basically live just to do nice things for people. Thats about the best i can hope to do, but as i have no one i really consider a true friend(my best friends all died of overdoses while i was in prison). But i even end up getting upset doing this because i realize they're just taking advantage of my generosity. I feel there is no point in trying to work towards a new career or even finding a new g/f because while i don't know exactly how bad my health is, i feel certain i have damaged it beyond the point any medication could save it, so i just try to not put anything in my body that is hard on the liver. SO i don't see a point to invest what little time i have left working towards a career that i will never get to enjoy and as far as a relationship, which i long for, i don't feel its fair to fall in love with someone, and moreover, have them care about me, knowing they are just going to have to watch my slowly get sick and die. Thats not fair to put someone through that kind of pain on purpose.

So as you see, i truly don't see even the possibility that something good might happen in the future. All i have coming is pain and sorrow.

I could go on for ever, but im sure you get the idea...I'n not thinking about ending it anytime soon. I just figure that ill hang in there until things just get so bad that life becomes completely unbearable. But it does give me a surprisingly amount of comfort knowing i can always end it and NOT have to go through all that crap...

I'm not looking for pity or anything..just advice. This is how i feel, and i completely accept that this is the life i made for myself due to my choices when i was younger. If i would have taken life more seriously and listened to what people that cared about me were saying, i would be just fine right now. But due to my choices, most doors are closed to me and i'm basically trying to make the best out of what little i have. I can't even get a job at McDonald because these days so man people are applying for jobs that someone with a bunch of theft and drug related felonies immediately goes in the trash because there's plenty of people to choose from that are more qualified, AND have clean records. So why would they hire a thief, if they don't have to? Its sad, but its reality... I'm sure i'd do the same ting in their shoes though.

Anyway, can anyone relate to where i'm at here?

Thanks for reading my story!


Similar Entries:
No one sees it... April 19, 2012
I want to die May 27, 2011
By the time people will help it'll be too late. June 10, 2012
Feel invisable to everyone. February 23, 2012
:( March 23, 2009

New Comment

By anonymous at 11,Apr,11 00:09

You should try doing volunteer work at a homeless shelter or something.

By anonymous at 11,Apr,11 01:03

I hope you get better, we are all human and when we are young god knows we can never expect all this... later in life. if it helps you, I have
been a pretty normal person my whole life...but big shit seems to happen
to me...I do not drink, do drugs, or smoke...try and always pay my bills on
time...never went to work late, but lost a great career with Delta Air Lines
for no good reason. but all I get is crap from do not think
always doing the right thing brings rewards it does not...I wish you the
best at lest you know your short comings some so called perfect people
don't and they seem to go on thinking the world owes them everything.
By anonymous at 23,Jun,11 06:40

delta airlines sucks anyway - consider yourself lucky. go get another job at a cool airline like qantas or uae or something. good luck

By anonymous at 11,Apr,11 01:16

I think you're strong because you survived 10 years of hep-c, 5 years of prison and kicked the drug and alcohol habit. Your main goal now should be to get stronger by staying off that shit. Start working out in the gym bodybuilding and maybe you could apply as a bouncer or something like that hehe. It's also nice if you can go back to your family and ask for their forgiveness. I'm sure they'll be happy to help you out.

By anonymous at 11,Apr,11 11:20

I agree with the last poster. You should go back to your family and ask forgiveness. Almost everybody makes reckless mistakes when they are younger. Maybe you should join a church of the religion of your choice. That might help you see more of a reason for existing, plus you could meet some friends.

By at 11,Apr,11 12:11

hi man, dont loose heart. Go back to your family. Their love generally seems to bring a slow and steady solace to the soul and body.

By anonymous at 11,Apr,11 13:54

Well it sounds like you learned your lesson about bad decisions, better late than never.
You've got some decisions to make. If I were you, I would go to your states website and see what there are for free doctors around where you are. Nothing wrong with going to a free clinic, and once you're diagnosed with a serious disease you MUST, BY LAW, BE TREATED.
Like the above poster says, try volunteering. You'll meet people, people know other people, people can help people gets jobs.
There are all sorts of programs around from people like salvation army, community outreaches, that sort of thing that can help you gain education and skills. They're used to people from really fucked up backgrounds and have connections to help you get that first job.
Free counseling is available, and I suggest you look for it. Not just in churches, find a listing of social workers in your state and they'll help you find a legit LISCW who gets paid by the state.
Good luck man, never forget the hard lessons you've learned. You got yourself clean when you literally had nothing, so keep clean and please try to search and ask for help when you need it.

By jane at 11,Apr,11 16:56

My cousin has had hep for a very long time. He's 58, drinks every single day, starting in the morning until he passes out. (Now thats a sucky life!)Smokes a pack a day. Anyway, he is still alive and doesn't seem physically sick, so I think you might be fine for a long time too. Also my daughter was a felon, she couldn't get a job. We went down to the courthouse ranted and raved a little bit anyway they took it off her record. (it cost 35 dollars (that was about 8 years ago) Try it. I worked for the Salvation Army, they employed a lot of ex drug addicts. I know the economy doesn't help, I just now got a job after 2 months of pounding the pavement. You sound like a pretty great guy. I have tried every drug there is, and I am a pretty great person myself. Good luck

By anonymous at 11,Apr,11 17:09

awww poor you- i feel really bad for you- not because i think your life really is pointless or hopeless, but because i care- i truly so- i have had a very different life experience but i too feel sooooo awful these days- i am on the verge of tears too some days- and i have been thinking too that life would be better off if it were over...- but the reality is, i believe that you and i both suffer from depression- because, according to the internet, it is not normal for a person to lack a will to live- it is innate to have a will to live- i am soooo sorry, though, about your medical care situation- i feel so bad for all you americans and lack of universal healthcare.... at least we have that here in canada- but anyhow, i think what would be best for you sweetie, is to volunteer somewhere- i have read over and over how good it can make one feel and how valuable it is to those who rely on volunteerism- i am thinking about it myself- your life was never a waste or worthwhile- just think about this for a moment- every single incident in your life has led you to be the person you are now- and you can use those experiences to better the lives of other people, and thus, feel better about yourself- you will be a valuable asset to your community or city- really, you still have a great life ahead of you, honey- you are so young still- (i am too i guess, i am 42)- there is a website here in canada called volunteers in canada and you type in your interests, where you live and tons of volunteer jobs pop-up- i am sure the us has something similiar- now i know this won't get you paid work but i think initially it would be a great place to start, you know? choose an area that interests you, perhaps like talking to youth at risk about your life- or youth in juvenile delinquency programs- or at a homeless shelter where people really could use a hand, a conversation- you have had an interesting life and i could guarantee you that there would be a lot of people interested in talking to you- you have been there in some regards and could offer an ear or advice- you would start to feel good about yourself which is important i think for you- to get going- i am sooo sorry about your health, but don't worry about it for now- well, i hope that helps and i am thinking of you bud, okay? alice

By anonymous at 11,Apr,11 19:15

Hi Friend,

There's no guarantee that you're liver is shot. You may be fine and you may be a carrier of Hep C but it may not be actively damaging your liver. You won't know this until you see a doctor so don't count yourself out just yet.

As far as the job situation, if you can't get it expunged, try to find organizations that work with people who've been in prison to help them start over and seek employment.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Everyday that you're alive there's hope.

Good luck and God Bless.

By anonymous at 12,Apr,11 10:26

The one good thing about having nothing to lose is that you don't have to be afraid of anything. If you know the situation isn't going to end up well anyway, you don't have to worry about fucking it up. That's the one good thing about this situation, use it to your advantage. Do something that's in your heart to do but you would never do if you had something to lose.

Only bad thing is that is if things do somehow start to work out from that, you'll have something to lose again. Ain't that some shit.

As far as employment, maybe you should think about finding ways to sell your story or your life-knowledge rather than being someone's employee, because you are pretty fucked in that regard. Or you could try doing manual labor (mowing lawns,etc), it seems like you should be able to do that at least.

By anonymous at 14,Apr,11 11:56

My brother has the same life story as you,minus the hep c. He is an alcoholic and a previous heroin and cocaine user. Practically on the verge of death, he dried out and went into recovery at an organization called Oxford House. It started in the U.S. and is also in Canada. It consists of homes, not just houses, run by recovering users. It's not religious, and it works. Check it out.

By anonymous at 13,May,11 00:06

I have never been on this site before, have never read a single entry from it until tonight. So, in saying that I hope you understand that I am not someone who sits on here and doles out advice. 99% of the time I mind my own business and hardly ever feel the need to reach out to any one for any reason. But by the strangest hapchance I saw this and feel the need to tell you a happy ending to YOUR story. I was a normal girl who just was a partier, the one who was down for anything, whenever. That of course, lead to a lot of hard life lessons. Long story short, tried herion, became a junkie, went to jail, then spend YEARS trying to stay clean for more than 5 minutes until I moved away 6 years later and started a new life. But even then, since I, too, had Hep C and felt as though my life had an experation date, decided that I had no reason not to ruin what was left of my pathetic existence. Drank, partied (though careful to stay away from opiates) and generally did not take good care of myself. I was sure I was minutes away from cirrosis all of the time.

I got pregnant a few years later and they did a work up of my liver. And guess what? I was fine. I had a completely healthy liver and a beautiful baby boy on the way. I, the girl who never cared and didn't really see a point in life, am now a wife and a mother. And I might add, a great one. :) Truthfully, be grateful, as I, like you, lost more friends to overdose and jail than I kept, and I know how hard it is to be lonely. But I would rather be lonely than dead and when I think of what my life could have been I can't be too sad.

You just haven't found what makes your heart tick yet (Mine was my family, but you will find yours too) but you will and don't dispair until you do. Just think back to who you were and think of who you are now and find your strength, even if it only lasts for a day, you can start over tomorrow.

I hope this helps, even just a little. Because I know, sometimes it's the littlest things that make a difference.

Feel free to email me if you need a friend

By anonymous at 06,Nov,11 01:54

I've been thinking of attending AA for the sake of kicking addiction and having connection. My friend drank for 10 years, had many accidents because she was still hungover - many emergency trips.. finally went to AA - quit, drank for another year, then went back. Now when I see her she blooms like a flower and is so honest. Its great. As for work, when I was in Louisville, KY - most people I catered with were on parole - so I think you can get work catering, or waiting tables - but there can be lots of drugs there depending. One friend I know is bipolar and often homeless with a record, but he can usually find work washing dishes. He keeps his head down and works hard so they invite him back the next summer. You can beat out the other applicants if you can establish trust with the employer. Sometimes I work for free for two weeks so they can decide.

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Aloha! tdf

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