For as long as I can remember I never really fit in with any sort of group, always seemed to be the odd one out. I had different interests and I went through grade school to high school surrounding myself with groups of people who never really understood me. The only thing that seemed to give me pleasure and attention was the fact that I was sort of reckless and dangerous behavior became normal for me. I'm so self conscious, I felt giving myself this sort of outlook would help me gain confidence. Alchohol and marijuana became a huge part of my life during my last three years in high school, after graduating my behavior became a problem and I had been arrested numerous times for drug distribution, possession and drunk driving. I'm so caught up in fines and lawyer fees that I've caught myself being an accessory to burglary. I keep saying i need to change the way I am but every time I say no more, the next thing I know I'm sitting in a police station. I stopped surrounding myself with the people I hang out with and am more lonely than ever; Im 20 and have nothing to show for my actions except a court date and a serious alcohol problem. Tonight I will attend my first AA meeting. My family always supports me and I never grew up with a horrible background, it makes me wonder why I am the way I am. Self consciousness has probably played more of a role in this than I realize. Im also an artist and hope to get into the tattoo business, I have a few horrible tattoos that also drive me crazy but that's the least of my problems right now. I'm just waiting for this chapter of my life to be over. Waiting.