LIFE SUCKS

I created my own sucky life

I am 38, self employed where my only work comes from a friend that wants to be compensated for it. 6 months out of the year I have no work. I have 5 kids from 3 different moms. Two are twins that i had from my first and only marriage. We were young and I moved out when they were 2. their mother and i divorced a year later. I joined the military at 25 and did all i could do to get out once i got in. Without giving it a chance, i found a way out 2 months later then realized after the fact that it wasn't that bad. Got involved with drugs which tainted me for a couple years. Had good jobs only to mess them up for no reason. After cleaning up i got another job that i liked a lot and did well at. Also settled down into a new relationship with a married woman. 5 years into new job and relationship with woman who is now pregnant, i break my arm at work and get on drugs again while out on workers comp. Girlfriend and i spilt after our new daughter is 4 months old. I start selling drugs to support my habbit and run with a huge crowd of losers. After several arrests and being put on probation i clean up again and meet new girl friend at new job where i delivered pizza. She gets pregnant after 1 month. She buys a house and we move in together. I become self employed by turning a small hobby of fixing computers into a PC house calls. Then i go into a verbal partnership with a buddy installing cabling for another buddy whom i mentioned earlier. Our only work comes from him. At times we are very busy and I make good money even after buttering his palms. Last year I have another child with same girlfriend. All the money I have made has been put away just for bills. I by no means live an extrodinary lifestyle. I have had no work now since December. All the money I had, has gone to bills that we cant even afford. We owe 205,000 on a house that is now worth 110,000. I have no future, no real skill. I have not paid into social security in more than 4 years. I have no 401k, no pension, no insurance. Nothing! I need about 40k a year just to pay my bills which includes child support, mortgage, car, cell phone and basic utilities. My credit sucks. Nothing is in my name. Anytime I have anything nice like a play station 3 or a gold necklace, I have to end up pawning sooner or later to pay a bill or buy groceries. My mom would give me everything if only she could afford it. She has helped me a lot over the years and has by all means shown her love for me. My dad has never really been around my whole life. He claims to always be broke and NEVER has offered any help. He has traveled the world and leaves for another trip around the world in April. He just got back from a month long trip. He also owns several motorcycles and constantly brags about them and his mustang while in the same breath tells me how he is broke. I have never called him out on it and likely never will. Its not that it is his responsibility to do anything for me anyways. i mean I am a grown 38 year old man but it would be nice if he tried.To sum this all up, I am depressed, feel that I have nothing to offer anyone, no future, each year passes i become older and nobody will ever pay me what i need to survive. My girl friend who is 8 years longer, shows me no love or compassion. I feel like she thinks I have ruined her life. I probally have. I love my kids and have no regrets about having them but I do know that I was irresponsible in having them and have nothing to offer them other than my love for them. After writting this and reading it back to myself it seems that i am the sole problem for my problems. I am a good person and smart but have made to many mistakes. I don't know what to do anymore.