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Posted by kaitlyn at February 4, 2012
Tags: Attitude  Drugs  2012 February  Mistakes

I feel selfish writing here, because my life doesn't have to be bad. My life has SO much potential and I was given SO many opportunities. And I've done nothing but manage to ruin everything. I came from a upper-middle class family with a nice home, and I made my family's life hell. I was a brat who was unappreciated of my surroundings, thinking I was owed life and rebellion to society was the answer. It landed me with horrible relationships with my parents, brothers, and extensive family for my whole adolescence. I had friends, good friends. I took them for granted. I never returned favors, I traded loyalty for attention, and thought boys were more important than girl friends. They got sick of me and stopped listening. Every time something bad happened it just gave me reason to push into reclusion more. As if I was getting back at the world by not being part of it. I dated boys every one told me not to, and they were abusive physically and emotionally. I went off to college without saying bye to a single person from home except for my mom. I didn't leave my dorm room and did nothing but cry. When I did eventually tried to become social, I realized the window for making new college friends was closed. I met a boy, who I loved. He introduced me to drugs. He abused me. For three years I immersed myself into the drug culture, until I had a psychotic break. It scared me so much I ran from every one I had met as a result of him, probably for the better. I realized I hadn't made friends, I'd made enablers. I am turning 22 soon. I have no friends, and IT IS MY FAULT. As a result of having no friends I stay inside. I don't have the chance to meet anyone, especially a life partner. When I leave school I will move back home with my parents, where all my relationships are lost. My life is a lonely, miserable wreck. And I know why; I'm my own worst enemy. Now I realize, all I want are healthy relationships, to give what I have and to care about others. I feel like my chance has passed me, no one wants to spend effort on me. I've wasted so much time that could have been amazing. I was given the world and spit on it. I'M LITERALLY A WASTE OF LIFE AND I KNOW IT.


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By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 22:23

I used to think like you, and sometimes still do. No matter what you are not a waste of life, is anybody truely a waste of life? No, but we all make bad choices that cause us and others to make us feel that way. Believe it or not you sound like you are on the path to recovery because admitting that you have faults and recognizing the things you don't like about yourself and your choices is a start to a new begining, if you want it to. You feel like you vicimized your family through selfish acts but now is the time to ask their forgiveness and turn over a new leaf. Try your hardest to make things better, admit to them you messed up, ask for them to forgive you, tell them you love them and wish you could take it all back. In life we often find ourselves heading down the wrong paths for one reason or another and it sounds like you don't/didn't like being their. You can change, we all can change for the better, work on yourself through reading self help books (i know sounds kinda lame but it works), search the internet, for example, steps to learn better self esteem or how to love yourself. If you truely feel like you have no purpose in life, try to find things that make you happy like a career dedicated to helping those less fortunate like social work, medicine etc. If you are battling with drug use still, the only thing you have to do is stop doing it, find support groups (often free ones) stop hanging out with users since that is a negative environment, and try your best to be a positive influence in the lives of those around you. Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around, it is never to late. You just have to try and make the best out of what life has to offer which is limitless. Im sure there is alot that everyone (including myself) wishes I could take back, things and poor choices that we all make that we wish we could take back and change, but we can't, we can however learn from our mistakes, try not to make them again, and move forward trying to change the world around us for the better. I hope this helps, its from the heart, Ive been their, remember nothing stays the same forever. Good luck, believe in yourself and godbless.

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