I am 26 years old now. It has been a while now since my heart has been finished being scarred over. I have had bad depression my whole life except when I was too young to remember. In baby photos I looked very happy. By the time high school hit, I was having crying/emotional pain spells when I got home from school and was sitting in my room. I had frequent thoughts of suicide. All of these emotions went undetected by my family. My father was/ is a workaholic and an alcoholic. He drinks around 5 beers everyday and has always maintained that he is Ďmoderatingí, even though his alcohol addiction has caused an enormous amount of destruction, pain, and suffering to everyone around him. His own first born son, (me) being hit the hardest out of everyone. He has never noticed anything going on with me; he doesnít even act like he cares. He has a successful business that he has buried himself into his whole life; and he tries to Ďhelpí me from time to time by giving me money or possessions like vehicles. The purpose of this behavior is to attempt to make himself feel better for never being there. As for my Mom, she has been an emotional zombie for the past 15 years or so due to taking anti-depressant pills, so she could never feel or understand my pain. She started taking these due to my Fatherís complete lack of love for her or anyone else in the family. She is the religious type that would never divorce.
Sometime in middle school, I acquired body-dysmorphic disorder because I have a couple of small moles on the left side of my face. This disorder marked the beginning sign of my serious mental problems. I always tried to hide the left side of my face from people. I even wore a huge coat to school (even in the summer) just so I could put on the hood and hide because I felt like everyone was staring at what a disgustingly ugly freak I was. My life was already a living hell at this point- day in and day out. I did not seek any help because I didnít feel like I was worth any attention.
I have never had any real friends. I am very smart but I was not able to succeed in college due to a vast amount of mental problems, I dropped out. I drank my first few beers after work one day and it was the greatest feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Extreme euphoria and incredible weight lifted off my shoulders. I instantly become an alcoholic and starting drinking every day.
In lieu of college, my father Ďencouragedí my alcoholic dream of starting my own landscape business by funding the initial startup costs. The business started off great and I was making money and getting new jobs, but eventually my alcoholism destroyed the business. My father enabled me to drink during these several years (when I was 19-22) even though he must have seen great destruction. He did this because he would be a hypocrite if he said anything. My equipment has been sitting and rusting for years now, with the hope that I will ever use it again now gone.
The buzz began to noticeably fade after about 2 years of drinking and someone introduced me to oxycodone. This really wasn't my favorite but it helped boost the effect of alcohol; and when you have depression like I did, you really donít give a fuck what you take. Then I discovered adderall and benzodiazepines and began abusing them as much as possible as well. I became physically addicted them. I stole over $3000 from my mom to buy drugs, especially oxy because it is more addictive and expensive. I would take all of the drugs at the same time and also of course drink. I would also smoke almost 2 packs a day of cigarettes and drink energy drinks all day. I eventually overdosed with no medical treatment. Then again, and again. One night I was sure I was going to die, but I didn't. That night was when my kidneys failed. I was sitting there thinking to myself ĎJesus Christ just call an ambulance, youíre dying!!í but then another voice told me that It would be better if I died and that nobody even cared anyway. Well I didnít die, but now I am living with diseased kidneys.
After this, I decided to begin to eliminate drugs out of my life. I had to move to another state to get away from the dealers. First I quit adderall and benzodiazepines, then I quit oxycodone, then I quit cigarettes and energy drinks. (I was smoking black n milds and nasty butts off the ground for a long time before I really stopped). I hadnít my alcohol addiction yet, as I felt like I deserved it more than ever because I didnít have any of my other drugs to lean on. Well, I eventually got a nasty case of pancreatitis, which turned into chronic pancreatitis because I continued to drink. After a few months of getting absolutely no pleasure from alcohol, I quit drinking as well. My pancreas was heavily damaged at this point, though. Itís amazing the power of an alcohol addiction.
26 years old. Diabetic, high blood pressure, stage 3 kidney failure. My life was not fair. I had no idea life was not supposed to be this hard as a child. I miraculously got a job doing landscaping but my health is failing and I am not going to be able to keep it up.
I quit using all drugs including cigarettes about 1.5 years ago. I quit drinking last November. I quit my caffeine addiction a few months ago. Despite all of these efforts, it's not enough to save me. One thing I must say though, is that my depression has really waned since I have had to fight to stay alive. Itís kind of like I traded 60% of my health and vitality for the easing of my life-long depression. Feels like a fair trade, too. AND IíM STILL NOT DEAD!! I guess I need to remind myself of how amazing that really is. I blame all of my lifeís struggles on my father. He didnít have to be an alcoholic. He could have loved me.