I'm only 18 lousy years of age and yet i feel as if its been an eternity. from the time i was brought into existence i've felt this extreme sense of confusion. Confusion about school, friends, my career paths, family and even my own spirituality. I've always felt really stupid, at least thats what i summed it up to be because i understood not anything. still don't. My family helped me feel this way too, i was the slow child in the family and everyone else was normal. but i am an excuse making, lazy, mean, unmotivated, depressed, near death, bipolar, anemic, arthritis kinda person. i am so depressed i don't even take my iron pills for my anemia anymore. i guess i'm hoping it'll lead to a bigger problem that will result in my long awaited death. you might be thinking this girl has nothing to complain about but you'd be wrong cause hears something.
My mom suffers from a terminal disease and has been fighting for her life ever since my birth. honestly, if my birth contributed to her illness i wish i was never born. i feel guilty for it, and if i don't worry my self to death about her i feel even worse. because no one will care if i don't. i feel like i'm waiting to die, and if i could i would take my fathers place. its been almost 3 years since he passed away from a heart attack. he was such a hard worker, i'm just the opposite. i don't work very hard but in some twisted way i feel i'm working ten times harder just to get out of bed in the morning. earlier i mentioned i was bipolar, with bipolar sometimes you can feel so full of energy, so motivated, so high and you'll feel the greatest since of belief in yourself and everything. then suddenly the next minute your at the lowest point you can possibly feel. your so sad and scared and angry. The worst part is you don't even know why. it just happens so quickly and easily. i cannot control myself at all whatever i think i say and it usually hurts the ones i love. i cant do anything right no matter how much i try i end up nowhere. i can be so confident and then not anymore. its like i believed but now i don't? It makes no sense. why am i the way i am?
There's not a day in my life where i don't think or daydream or even plan my death. i cant help it either its part of me. i'm too scared to actually go through with it. So instead i cut myself. at first it was just to see what all the hype was. why did people like it? could i take it? and thats how i found out i was very pain tolerant, it didn't hurt so bad. in a sick way it made me feel better, i liked it a lot. it healed me and then whenever i felt bad i started cutting. My wrist, thighs, any place that i could possibly hide from my family. they still don't know and i'll never tell them. just thinking about it know gets my senses tingling and i want to start again. sometimes i get strong urges, but i resist and a part of me misses it and i'll want to cut, its so hard not to. Well i have no social life, seriously i don't. i'm to depressing for people. so i am sort of a kill joy to be around. i feel so lonely but i'm not even alone i have many siblings, but i ......... i feel i have no one. gods there but i feel so guilty for what i say and think i don't believe my prayers should ever be answered. so i do not pray as much as i use to and this makes me feel horrible. i'm lost and i can't find my way. i don't know who i am or where i'll go. and i don't even hate life, i love it in fact. the earth is so beautiful in so many ways, like the animals and plants, the ocean. it's all brilliant the way things were created but .................. i know i don't deserve it. so i don't hate life, i just hate mine. and then they say if at first you don't succeed try, try, again. well what if your tired of trying, what if you believed but suddenly can't anymore, what if your just ....................done. | |
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