life sucks. theres too much to worry about. even when you have a good streak, things catch up with you and your bound to fall down at some time or later. i can't even be bothered to type this complaint because i'm afraid of the consequences of achieving anything. every time you achieve something, it will always be followed with failure of some type. so whats the point, why do we even try.
i currently have too much stress from study. i study my freakin ass off, and i really enjoy it most of the time. but every time i have to meet my supervisors i feel like im working for them, rather than myself. and i don't feel motivated to do work for them, because study becomes a boring task, rather than the exciting adventure it is when i am allowed to do it independently.
i have the strength to speak my voice to them, and tell them to back up, but there's too much else going on. no matter how much i stand up for myself, i cant deny the fact that im behind. i don't know what to say to them. im afraid of failing, even though i know im fully capable of achieving my goals if left to my own devices. i just need to stop being scared of standing up for myself, but thats hard because they kind of scare the shit out of me!
the worst outcome of this is that im starting to fall into depression again. i sometimes have week long bouts of deep personal sorrow and self pity brought on by feeling helpless amongst all the shit that has to be done. this always saps my energy and desire to work, its feels impossible to be positive again.
i need more time, please just back da f--k up and give me some damn space! leave me be, trust in me, and watch me flourish... | |
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