After I finished my master i got a very good opportunity to study a PhD. I got a good scholarship in another country. I got a student dorm and it was all set up. Then i started having interviews with the researchers and my future colleges. Before classes even started i started to get so nervous. I could sleep at all. When i tried to sleep, i just dreamed about me getting one bad grade. That would make me loose the scholarship. That scared me. So my dreamed turned into me doing everything to get good grades, everything. Including pills to help me focus. Then in the dream, the pills lost effect, so I started taking something stronger. Then I had to pay more for them. To make the story short i saw myself in that nightmare, prostituting myself to get the drugs, which were of no use anymore to study, since I had been kicked out of PhD. I spent days not really sleeping, every time i closed my eyes i got these images. Then i started feeling that if i couldnt even sleep, that was going to be a terrible start.
I was sexually abused as a teenager. I got in a bad depression during college. I barely made it through with a bunch of pills and doctors and therapy.
The image of drug abusing and prostituting myself, with this background, just got too much. I quit.
I dropped the programe, thinking i already have a degree, i can get a job. Well, i havent got a job that pays more than 1500 a month in over 5 years, i have no working experience in my field. I cannot reenter a PhD programme since i screwed up with the people that recommended me in the first time. I feel like i am going to be saying 200 times a day "Good morning, you have called ...., how can we help you" for the rest of my life.
I dont know how to change it. I apply for so many jobs every month. | |
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