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Shit Happens

Posted by Laur at October 29, 2010
Tags: Family  Juvenile problems  2010 October  Poverty  School

I'm almost eighteen. However, I don't want to hear any shit about me being too young to know if my life sucks or if I've messed it up completely yet. I know that I still have "hope," but I can't stop this destructive behavior. I can't get out of this depression. I live in a really awful household right now. It's just my dad and I, and we live in a really gloomy, really small, really dusty apartment. I'd say about 70% of the time one of our utilities is shut off because my dad is incompetent in terms of getting the bills paid. Living in this place is one of the many reasons why I hate myself. I'm sure someone with a sunshine for a brain would want to kill themselves if they had to spend as much time as I do in this shithole. I try and straighten things up, scrub things down, clean, organize. I hate to play the blame card, but my dad is such a fucking slob and he messes everything up a second after I've done my work. He dirties things up, and he's really nasty. He's always shaving over the sink, and leaving little bits of facial hair all over our 2-square-foot bathroom. He refuses to clean up after himself. It's just excuse after excuse after excuse. Anyway, being the obsessive compulsive that I am, this just really makes me frustrated. I'm constantly smashing things because they've been stupidly misplaced. Like I'll find a used toothbrush on the computer desk or a cup of soda on top of a bunch of unpaid bills that's about to topple over. I mean, sometimes I really have to think if someone's taken a big fat scoop out of his brain or something. Everyone claims he's so smart and stuff. Well then can someone please explain why he's working ten jobs and he's still not able to pay the damn phone/heating/electricity bill? Unfortunately, this is the least of my problems. This is just the beginning.
I'm a high school drop out. After being forced to attend multiple extremely religious all-girls schools, I've just about given up. Now I have my GED, but I regret not being able to just fucking be in school right now. I don't even know WHO to blame. My dad forced me to go to these places. He'd threaten me, telling me if I refused to go, he'd make me live with my mother - who by the way is way out of the picture, her being in a fucking cult and all. So of course I'd end up going and doing terrible because I'd be in a place where I was alienated and patronized and my work was always modified because I was too damn stupid to just do the normal work like everyone else. I began to just sit in class and waste the day away dreaming of burning down the school and maliciously murdering each and everyone of the assholes that I'd have to deal with all day. Anyway, so what I'm saying is school has just been the biggest disaster. The kids tattled on me in elementary school, they made fun of me in middle school, and by the time high school came around, the girls would be full fledged bitches and all they'd have to do to make me melt into tears would be just staring me down. Since I couldn't afford the same shit as them, they made me feel super bad for it. Mhm. Fuck rationality, right? I'd do nothing, though. I sat back and just took it all in. The furthest I've gone from my sanity was I sent some particularly stupid fugly bitch a note telling her that she should fucking die. I did it all magazine-cut-outy to make it look extra sketchy. I'd occasionally lash out at the teachers, but the students, I just nodded and smiled and really, I'd do that so I'd at least gain minimal acceptance. I'd do anything to re-do my life starting from fifth grade, but that's not going to happen. It's hard to let all of this go, though. It's really kind of messed me up big time.
As far as friends go.... Let's see. In school I'd sometimes make really good friends. We'd stick together, and we'd be best friends. For about a year. I stopped making friends in high school. Eighth grade was the last year I made a friend. We don't talk to each other anymore. None of my friends from school. I have one that calls me frequently. Yeah, she lives across the country because we met in boarding school. You see, this is why I'm always in my really awful house. Because I have no friends to hang out with. I am a social retard. Every (extremely rare) time I manage to surround myself with people, I give off some vibe that repels people or something. I swear, I don't try to. It really hurts. The last school I went to, people thought of me as a witch at first. Because I was so secretive, and I'd wear black and was always writing. Someone came up to me and said, "no one in this school likes you because you give off a snobby impression." I'm just really shy, okay? Jesus fucking christ. As if that weren't bad enough, I was close with one girl there - until she got kicked out OF COURSE - and when she left, I acted more withdrawn. And therefore I am lesbian, right? Well no, but tell that to the school. They all - and i mean ALL - was really freaked out by me, and I became this joke, and I was the game. It was called "Avoid Laur." Like seriously. I just kind of ditched school after that. And those little fuckers had the nerve to call me one by one, telling me they were sorry. Yeah, my roommate finally admitted that the principal made them all do that to get me back. Okay? Does my life qualify as shitty YET?
I left the last school in the middle of winter of last year. I come back home. My dad didn't pay the heating bill, and I live where it gets REALLY freezing cold in the winter. Trust me. I couldn't complain or else my dad would yell at me, "WELL IF YOU WANT TO NOT BE MISERABLY COLD THEN GO BACK TO SCHOOL!" Because it was boarding school. And the family I boarded with was a bit more under control with these things than him. But fuck that! Because I wasn't about to go back to that wretched place. I take a shower about once a week at someone's house (we don't have hot water so I could get hypothermia if I took a shower at my house) because I babysit for them. Sometimes. Anyway, the kids are saying things like, "I don't have to listen to you. You're stupid. You dropped out of school." I'm like, to myself, what the fuck did your parents tell you??? Whatever, at least I got enough money to go get my hair dyed. I don't know why I even bothered. It's not like I go out so no one even sees my hair. I think I just went to get my hair done because I couldn't sleep with greasy hair, and they wash it at the salon, so yeah. Pretty lame of me, I know. I don't feel like writing more.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 04,Nov,10 02:19

Would you believe how blown away I am by you? --on so many levels, because youíve got so much fucking spirit. I canít pretend that your life doesnít suck. Iíve been sitting here for twenty minutes now, and I canít think of a thing to say that will make it better. Iím only thirteen, but just so you know, youíre my hero. Tell me it gets better, pleaseÖ get out of depression for me.

By anonymous at 04,Nov,10 13:20

holly buckets of shit, ya at your age your getting it hard, well look at least what does not kill you makes you stronger, you are growing to be an individual who has more ballz and common sense than people who lived longer and still fuck emselves over. If you are able to get a job in the future and move out as soon as possible you will start enjoying life.

By anonymous at 04,Nov,10 23:35

As i read through these i saw alot of strength and determination in it! Do not give up! And yes it sucks, but the good thing is you are still holding up!

By anonymous at 05,Nov,10 16:36

I've been through worse. Trust me. For example, you think a little mess here and there and gloom is bad? I grew up in a trailer where I had to run from piece of furniture to piece of furniture because the second my feet hit the floor, a hundred fleas would jump on my legs. There was a gaping hole in the floor in our bathroom by the tub where raccoons, skunks, and the occasional opossum would sometimes climb through and wreak havoc. I was five. My father was gone and my mother was a mess from having every man in her life walk out on her. I got clothes from Goodwill and lived in a town small enough that we were 'that' family. I was ridiculed, etc just like you and occasionally beaten up and my brother was beaten up on a regular basis.

The point of this is not minimize your problems, believe me. The point is, there is hope. All that is in the past for me. I'm 21 years-old now, I'm in college with my own apartment and life is going great. Aside from organic chemistry. I was doing my problem set and was getting seriously annoyed so I typed in I hate school! for shits and giggles and this website came up. I felt compelled to comment, so I am currently procrastinating.

The general thing about making friends is people like people who are easy to like. What makes someone easy to like? Being attractive, funny, and intelligent. A lot of your shyness may stem from the fact that you can't shower often, you can't wear new clothes and so you generally don't look your best. How do you change these things? Money, obviously.

What you need are options. You have a GED. Go to college or get a good job or go back to a different high school to get your diploma. At seventeen, you are more than capable of financially supporting yourself. I've been doing it since I was fourteen. Life isn't easy for people in situations like the one you and I were born into, but we can either sit around and hate everything or accept it and try to make it better. Do you want to wind up like your dad in twenty years? I didn't want to wind up like my mom, so I got off my ass and worked hard so I would never be in the situation I was born into ever again.

Stop wanting to change what happened since fifth grade. I'm 21 and I don't even give a fuck about what happened in high school. The past is the past; focus on the future- it's actually something you can change.

People want to feel sorry for people born into situations like yours or mine. I wish they wouldn't. If I'd been born into a medoiocre middle class family than there's a good chance I would have grown up to be just that- mediocre. Instead, I'm extraordinary.
By anonymous at 07,Nov,10 16:00

Very well said.
By anonymous at 07,Nov,10 23:17

You go girl!!
By anonymous at 08,Nov,10 22:19 Fold Up


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