I'm almost eighteen. However, I don't want to hear any shit about me being too young to know if my life sucks or if I've messed it up completely yet. I know that I still have "hope," but I can't stop this destructive behavior. I can't get out of this depression. I live in a really awful household right now. It's just my dad and I, and we live in a really gloomy, really small, really dusty apartment. I'd say about 70% of the time one of our utilities is shut off because my dad is incompetent in terms of getting the bills paid. Living in this place is one of the many reasons why I hate myself. I'm sure someone with a sunshine for a brain would want to kill themselves if they had to spend as much time as I do in this shithole. I try and straighten things up, scrub things down, clean, organize. I hate to play the blame card, but my dad is such a fucking slob and he messes everything up a second after I've done my work. He dirties things up, and he's really nasty. He's always shaving over the sink, and leaving little bits of facial hair all over our 2-square-foot bathroom. He refuses to clean up after himself. It's just excuse after excuse after excuse. Anyway, being the obsessive compulsive that I am, this just really makes me frustrated. I'm constantly smashing things because they've been stupidly misplaced. Like I'll find a used toothbrush on the computer desk or a cup of soda on top of a bunch of unpaid bills that's about to topple over. I mean, sometimes I really have to think if someone's taken a big fat scoop out of his brain or something. Everyone claims he's so smart and stuff. Well then can someone please explain why he's working ten jobs and he's still not able to pay the damn phone/heating/electricity bill? Unfortunately, this is the least of my problems. This is just the beginning.
I'm a high school drop out. After being forced to attend multiple extremely religious all-girls schools, I've just about given up. Now I have my GED, but I regret not being able to just fucking be in school right now. I don't even know WHO to blame. My dad forced me to go to these places. He'd threaten me, telling me if I refused to go, he'd make me live with my mother - who by the way is way out of the picture, her being in a fucking cult and all. So of course I'd end up going and doing terrible because I'd be in a place where I was alienated and patronized and my work was always modified because I was too damn stupid to just do the normal work like everyone else. I began to just sit in class and waste the day away dreaming of burning down the school and maliciously murdering each and everyone of the assholes that I'd have to deal with all day. Anyway, so what I'm saying is school has just been the biggest disaster. The kids tattled on me in elementary school, they made fun of me in middle school, and by the time high school came around, the girls would be full fledged bitches and all they'd have to do to make me melt into tears would be just staring me down. Since I couldn't afford the same shit as them, they made me feel super bad for it. Mhm. Fuck rationality, right? I'd do nothing, though. I sat back and just took it all in. The furthest I've gone from my sanity was I sent some particularly stupid fugly bitch a note telling her that she should fucking die. I did it all magazine-cut-outy to make it look extra sketchy. I'd occasionally lash out at the teachers, but the students, I just nodded and smiled and really, I'd do that so I'd at least gain minimal acceptance. I'd do anything to re-do my life starting from fifth grade, but that's not going to happen. It's hard to let all of this go, though. It's really kind of messed me up big time.
As far as friends go.... Let's see. In school I'd sometimes make really good friends. We'd stick together, and we'd be best friends. For about a year. I stopped making friends in high school. Eighth grade was the last year I made a friend. We don't talk to each other anymore. None of my friends from school. I have one that calls me frequently. Yeah, she lives across the country because we met in boarding school. You see, this is why I'm always in my really awful house. Because I have no friends to hang out with. I am a social retard. Every (extremely rare) time I manage to surround myself with people, I give off some vibe that repels people or something. I swear, I don't try to. It really hurts. The last school I went to, people thought of me as a witch at first. Because I was so secretive, and I'd wear black and was always writing. Someone came up to me and said, "no one in this school likes you because you give off a snobby impression." I'm just really shy, okay? Jesus fucking christ. As if that weren't bad enough, I was close with one girl there - until she got kicked out OF COURSE - and when she left, I acted more withdrawn. And therefore I am lesbian, right? Well no, but tell that to the school. They all - and i mean ALL - was really freaked out by me, and I became this joke, and I was the game. It was called "Avoid Laur." Like seriously. I just kind of ditched school after that. And those little fuckers had the nerve to call me one by one, telling me they were sorry. Yeah, my roommate finally admitted that the principal made them all do that to get me back. Okay? Does my life qualify as shitty YET?
I left the last school in the middle of winter of last year. I come back home. My dad didn't pay the heating bill, and I live where it gets REALLY freezing cold in the winter. Trust me. I couldn't complain or else my dad would yell at me, "WELL IF YOU WANT TO NOT BE MISERABLY COLD THEN GO BACK TO SCHOOL!" Because it was boarding school. And the family I boarded with was a bit more under control with these things than him. But fuck that! Because I wasn't about to go back to that wretched place. I take a shower about once a week at someone's house (we don't have hot water so I could get hypothermia if I took a shower at my house) because I babysit for them. Sometimes. Anyway, the kids are saying things like, "I don't have to listen to you. You're stupid. You dropped out of school." I'm like, to myself, what the fuck did your parents tell you??? Whatever, at least I got enough money to go get my hair dyed. I don't know why I even bothered. It's not like I go out so no one even sees my hair. I think I just went to get my hair done because I couldn't sleep with greasy hair, and they wash it at the salon, so yeah. Pretty lame of me, I know. I don't feel like writing more.