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Be warned, this is a heavy one...

Posted by Guide Dog at March 24, 2010
Tags: Health  2010 March

Since I'm completely anonymous I'll blow off my story:

33 years old woman, brought up in a normal home with two smaller sisters. Had all the stuff that I take for granted (clothes, food, roof over head, not violent, sexual abusive or drug /alcohol addicted parents) or took for granted until I saw how different the world can look. I was pretty unpopular at school, or more correct; absence of popularity, pretty boring.

Here comes the story:

When I so got a one year younger best friend at age 14, she was fairly dominant, and had a severe and painful eye- disease whom made her almost blind, I did not stick to her out of love, but more of commitment and the fact that the other alternative was worse (until I was 13 I was pretty invisible at school, but then suddenly the other kids started teasing me and stuff, life at home was plain boring, so I lost nothing there). You may say "What's bad with being with a handicapped person?" -Nothing, it really isn't. Except when a handicapped with temper meets nervous little me, and it still isn't, shouldn't be.
This blind girl lived in a home with drug-addicted parents (or mother and stepfather) and sex-abuse, she got beaten daily and she threatened me that I couldn't tell a single word to anyone about her situation or her family or she was in trouble as her stepfather had threatened quite convincingly to kill her if anyone found out about his abuse. I obeyed my friend and didn't tell a soul as she sounded pretty serious.

That makes me sound like a jerk doesn't it? Fuck I feel like one too. This is the classical situation where you have learned to go to some adults and discuss the situation, and try got to the police and try getting her and her brother to orpanage. damn I can be happy I haven't as there is more to the story!
The stepfather and mother divorced after roughly 1 year that I've known them.
I lost contact with her as soon as I could after that as she had a severe fucked up mind, as is not weird, I'll come back to it. My elementary school ended furthermore one year after the divorce, so that was a natural ending point for me.

In -98 I met her again by a coincidence, and decided to call her, bad idea as I was pretty worn out at that point in time, and had only imagined a 15 minutes conversation about, you know, current state of things. Well, she's just been gang-raped by her step-father and friends! He never quitted raping her. And she told horrid and truly perverted things he'd done to her, I'd loved to give examples, but I don't want to give anything to any perverts out there. He's pretty like the guy in Saw, just not so advanced. + plain torture. (I've spoken to her many more times and takes it all in one lump). He sold her as a prostitute while she was 13-14, and still came back a long while for more. And for the enjoyment of doing perverted stuff and torture to her.
He made her pregnant at age 13, I remember she told me then, but I hardly believed it. She hid it, but the stepfather eventually found out when she was in fifth month, and hit it out with his fist and shredded his own child to pieces and flushed it down the toilet. That was the onliest time she's seen him having problems with doing his stuff...
And the death-threats I mentioned earlier was accompanied with demonstrations of how he nearly kills her.

So, it's not so weird that her mind was a little fucked up at age 13-14, this paired with a mood-sick and irresponsible mother on amphetamine whom hits her, and I've failed to mention, the filthy religion that glued the family together, charismatic Christianity.
To sum her situation up: Have to behave normal at school, hookery some days a week for her stepfather, hide it all for her mother, hide the worst of it for me, what I've told about the mother, the rest of what I've told about the stepfather, heavily painful eye-disease whom made her blind by 14. That's a bunch of pressure.

What did that make her behave? As I now fairly well understand, she needed me to be around as much as possible to prevent the stepfather from having her available, and she made me come that often. Well, she behaved very dominant and slightly cruel and made me do weird things like counting number 7's and staying awake many successive nights. We spent most of the time role-playing with dolls. Magic wars and stuff. I do understand her, she really needed a runaway, even though we were a little too old for dolls...
She needed help every now and then, think I've mentioned it...
She had a touch of magical thinking in her life.
And even if it is pretty cool to actually have seen this, well, she had what Catholics would call demon possessions from time to time, flashbacks.
They are like, I remember two. In the first she got completely into a hellishly situation whom had happened her before, stepfather with electrical drill up against her body, thought it was a dentists drill she was reminded of when I saw it, heard the real story later. In the other she got completely detached as if she became someone else, she didn't recognize her own mother when she came in with some refreshments. Pretty creepy, not quite sure if that was a real flashback though or something else.

I really can not blame her. And really, I wrote slightly cruel, there's no resistance in me, had I said no in a respectable way, she would have stopped I think. Might just as well that I didn't, she really needed somewhere to disbehave a bit!

When I spoke with her in the phone in 98, and I got to know her the second time I for the first got completely sat out, and couldn't live with the reality as it was, went to the police as could nothing do as I wasn't the victim, wanted to kill myself and went insane, severely schizophrenic, and went to a mental ward. Life was pretty ruined from then. The second thing was that she is the nicest person, funny, supporting, kind and optimistic. And helpful in many fields as she's educating herself into (hold your breath) lawyer! She is not a classical victim!

Why should I, by the way be happy that I didn't speak with an adult about her situation when I was 14?
Pretty much because the stepfather would have made her life a hell after whatever he must have faced of obstacles. So the best solution would have been a murderous weapon. (and afterwards a discussion with an adult)

So comes a freaky part, I played a little with the occult. I skip most of the details, I guess there is no connection at all, but I asked something higher to remove the source of my mental disease and spent one month hating something I did not know what was. Then the stepfather died. (Drug-addicts die at age 45, nothing unusual about that.) There is most likely no connection, it is just the idea that might I've done a little to help that comforts me. I need it even if I sincerely don't believe in it. Whatever, the maggot is dead now, and have been for five years.

So you should believe that her troubles had ceased to exist. Well, the stepfathers friends still visits and rapes her from time to time, but by no means as bad as with the stepfather, so basically, that part, yes.
She has so severe pain in her eyes that she can hardly sleep at night, and all treatment against pain are tried and failed except treatment against trauma as she has finally fought herself to.
Hadn't she gotten in touch with an American celebrity a long while ago whom have paid for the best us$ can get of a psychiatrist, she would have for sure have killed herself till now.
I kept in touch a long while basically because I knew I would regret when she was dead if I didn't, and so a sad thing happened (given that you want her dead of mercy), she got pregnant! (By voluntarily sex, luckily.) Well, pregnant is not a sad thing after all, she's never been happier than after getting that little baby, even if there is nothing between her and the dad anymore. So now she can't kill herself, and, deep down, I'm pretty happy with being able to follow her further.

I know, it's not even my own pain, but it hurts knowing that someone that I know, and after all love are in such painful conditions, or, are slowly getting a little more sleep at least, as otherwise she'll probably die of exhaustion, and not be able to help a bit. Onliest thing I can do is to talk with her over phone from time to time, and hope I can relief her burdens a little. That it makes my own heavier to carry is a minor issue when I stand beside such pain as hers, well should be.
I want to throw up of all I know, constantly, have been so from 03 I think.
It consists of that I vomit approximately every second week and have serious problems with getting down food. Do not exactly make me an energy bomb.

Well, so comes kinda sunshine into this story.

I got hospitalised into the mental ward half a year ago,and into that process I out of nowhere (it felt so for me) got medication against bipolar disorder, and that specific medicine removed my nausea as a bonus, hooray! Well, until my hair started to fall off... Changed medicine, no bonus this time... Changed again, now my eyesight fails me... I finally decided that I don't care for my hair, as the first medicine has the wondrous side-effect that it makes me a little unnatural happy besides. And as my medical cocktail has changed a little since the last time, in my dreams have a hope that my hair don't fall off.
Or I could spend a year with trial and error with new medicines. I think I stick to the first one, even if it sucks loosing a lot of hair.

Basically a life without nausea is a life without all this for me.
I'm blowing off all this while life still sucks, should be OK in 4-6 weeks if all goes after the plan.
Of course, it all doesn't go away, but when I don't vomit over it, it isn't much bothersome, crying is peanuts. And when I don't have nausea I can concentrate on something other than eating, and finally have energy.


Similar Entries:
lifesucks January 15, 2012
Life sucks ass! December 6, 2009
I blame myself July 8, 2010
Try to leave something bad, then it gets worse.  November 16, 2011
so tired of hurting November 13, 2011

New Comment

By anonymous at 24,Mar,10 10:14

Huh !?!?

By anonymous at 24,Mar,10 20:11

Wow, that was fucking textbook. Maybe more meds are needed here.

By anonymous at 25,Mar,10 04:48

Very sad and disturbing story. I read the whole thing and then I was thinking : This planet is indeed a very cruel place to live.
By Guide Dog at 26,Mar,10 10:56

Yes, it's always bleeding obvious that the faith is cruel to my blind friend. It isn't that obvious that it is cruel to me too just for being around. However useless it is to have my lifestory tied to such a one. Really hard to get understanding for that I can suffer from it. Hard to talk about. And I feel like a fucking herb, even if the knowledge that I didn't do a thing to get her out of her stepfathers grip and that's the best could tear anybody apart for life.

Eases my pain some to post the story here.
By bEn at 27,Mar,10 00:42

Its because of our over population everyones trying to get some where in life. trying to fight the odds. we are the weaklings the ones that they look down on and see their accomplishment by overpowering us. however this is mostly by chance. if we all just died then they would be that much worse.
By Martin1987 at 27,Mar,10 17:56

Overpopulation really sucks. Recently I read some research and that research said that ideally there should be no more than 500 million people on this planet. But sadly we are more than 6 billion (soon to be 7) and because this we have lack of resources, poverty , hunger, wars and many other bad stuff.
As for the author of this story (guide dog) I think that she is very noble and good person to have helped that blind person. There should be more people on this world like you.
By Guide Dog at 04,Apr,10 17:25

Help and help... I chose to do nothing when I knew about sexual abuse. It's freaky depressing to know that it's the best I could do. But that's life. Thank for your kind words, even though I didn't help her much actively, it's in the tiresome passive way whom gives little reward for much work.
By anonymous at 31,Aug,10 00:08 Fold Up


hell hole prison planet is this earth . . .

By anonymous at 25,Mar,10 06:50

Agree to the above comment.

By jessa lynn at 30,Mar,10 20:00

Not enough resources for blind people, or anyone disabled for that matter. Families break up way too easily now and parents focus more on new relationships then children. Stepparents rarely care about their spouse's children. They usually see them as in the way. I hear of way too much abuse coming from stepparents. Please don't blame yourself you were young then yourself and probably scared to say something.

By WTF!!! at 10,Nov,10 16:56

your friend's story is one of the sickess i've ever heard

By buy cheap oem software at 11,Feb,12 14:01

4B5PZ8 I do`t regret that spent a few of minutes for reading. Write more often, surely'll come to read something new!....

New Comment