I was just wondering if I am the only one who sits down with 95% of the population for any activity you can dream of with friends, family, or aquaintances, and feels a complete sense of disconnect or alienation. I've tried a technique of consciously making eye contact to feel somehow that our souls are in the same place, and sometimes it works but not as often as I like. Sometimes they all look like robots, sometimes, pieces of furniture. Occasionally I'll find a person there, and it'll make me overjoyed! Then somehow the connection you had is gone.
I smile, I laugh, I fake it all. People like a happy girl. Happy girls make a happy world. I just wish I could fool someone, anyone, just to have another friend. I fool people all the time for months even. I met a wonderful guy who thought I was perfection until he realized how deeply sad I was about life. What kind of person spends all day entrenched in deep depressing thoughts about the world and finds a sense of elation in that?
I slip into my mind and find solace in fantasy worlds, and try to treat life with a sense of marvel and often do, but I just wonder how many people straddle extreme feelings so often and who would ever want to ride that roller coaster with me. Are there any "feelers" out there? This world isn't very supportive of people like that, and it's causing me to feel like the world is trying with all of its might to suck out any sense of imagination there is left in my small brain. I'm fighting against a grey existence despite being unemployed, nearly homeless. I'm still fighting a good fight!
It's not necessarily a story about a "sucky" life, just a lonely one, with no connection and hopes and dreams flying one by one out of the window while to frantically grasp onto them pleading for them not to go so quickly.
I tell myself every day I am not depressed, I am great I am wonderful, fine human being. The truth is, I hate the sound of my own voice, and everyday feels just as average if not worse. Something has to change eventually. I don't know how that will happen but it has to in order for me and the countless others to survive. Good luck to everyone working on surviving while feeling very sad. | |
P.S. Those organized religions only destroy and constrain the mind so don't seek solace in the church. No one is their to help us.
I'm exactly in your position. Exactly. Thank you for letting me know I wasn't the only one.
Good luck too.
And remember - we're out there somewhere. You'll run into true people soon... Or at least, that is why I tell myself.
Have A Nice Life,
Lazarus.
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