A year ago I had a great job working abroad. I'm from the UK originally, but this job had me travelling all over the Caribbean and every exotic location you can imagine. It all went wrong in late 2011, when I had a bout of depression that meant I got sent home. I fucking hate myself for it. This forced me to move in back in with my parents at 25 yrs old, with no suddenly no money and no immediate job prospects. I lost money, my independence and my self-respect. Every day turned into a pit of palpaple emotional agony and loathsome disappointment, and I ended up on a lot of random prescription drugs to help me sleep and keep calm. What's more, I see photos of former colleagues enjoying themselves in these wonderful places and I feel sooo angry at my self and the situation. This anger turns into intense frustration, as I would like to return but I am barred from doing so by medical professionals... I just want my fucking job back, but somehow the medical professionals feel it would be 'best' if I struggled a little longer back home! This only adds to the distress. I had a great job and fucked it up.
I think that life can be such a F***KING BITCH, and I sometimes wonder if I could ever bring a child into the world knowing the INEVITABLE intense pain/rejection/heatache they will have to endure at some point. Why put someone through that? It just seems selfish and immoral! I see these pictures of newborn babies and their gleeful parents and think: 'you cruel fucks!'
What's more, I'm not allowed to show my discontent, as this negatively affects my parents, but I don't know how they can't expect me to be at least 'a little' dismayed! So this adds to the guilt, which fuels more frustration, and it goes on and on...
I am trying at home, but every little thing I do now reminds me of the fact I fucked it all up. E.g. I have to go to the job centre for income support... oh yeah that's because I got sent home from my job.
I just want to scream from the top of my lungs. Sometimes I think if God exists, he's a sadistic arsehole. This is life? I exist to be frustrated repeatably? All humans exist simply to suffer and struggle all their lives? And then you get old and die? Geee, sign me up!
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH | |
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