LIFE SUCKS

Way too impressionable am I

The very pathetic, but true story is this. The bulk of my sucky life anyhow. My ex and I had dated for about a year and a half. She was the first girl i had ever dated, first girl i ever even did anything beyond kissing with (I had only previously kissed one girl). We were great for the first two months... then, she revealed to me that she cheated on me with an ex. She confessed to me that she did so the night after it happened, and she cried the whole time she told me. She seemed so sincere, I felt like since this was my first relationship, I had to give it some sort of chance. So I forgave her. In comes a spiral of ridiculousness that I don't know how anyone can fathom. We go off to our separate colleges in a few weeks after that event (long distance relationship this was, yes). We keep in contact frequently through calls, skype, etc. All is well. A few months after we've been apart, she brings up the idea of an open relationship. Surely, all of you know what an open relationship is. I had mixed feelings about it, as any sane person would. But we talk it through, and the biggest thing she tells me that convinces me it is doable is that, with everyone else it would just be sex. At the end of the day, i would have her and our love would be beautiful. Also, we would inform each other before any type of act happened with someone else. That made perfect sense to me, and quite honestly, i think that she was being truthful about that... this is how distorted this girl was. So we go on with that open relationship for the remainder of our relationship. I see her as much as i can when we are able to meet in our home city. Throughout the course of our relationship, she had sex with 15 guys (I was aware of each one of them and learned who they were, she was at least honest about it... i hope). I made out with one girl and one guy (i like to explore lol). No sex, just that. To make matters worse, I moved her up to where I lived when she took a break from college. For 4 months, we lived together, and she had sex with 6 random people, but including one of my GOOD friends WHILE i was at the party (that may have been my fault partially, but i shouldnt have to keep constant tabs on my gf... right?) A month ago, she called me up and told me things didnt feel right in her life anymore. She told me she felt terrible about putting me through the open relationship and that she had planned on staying single through college, until she met me. She told me she didnt want to be tied down anymore and put me through this. I had considered the same thing, but basically she broke up with me. Now, I'm stuck in my same apartment, her mark left on everything that i have here, every place i visit, most music i listened to before hand... i shared with her. All of it reminds me of her. As terrible as she was to me, we still had good times, shared the same interests... she introduced me to lots of movies,music and even fishing... Now everything that i shared and learned through her, it bothers me. i cant look at it the same way now, because i shared it with her. I shared my whole life with her, and I got so engrossed in her. And with all that being done now, I'm lost. So lost. That was the focal point of my life (pathetic, yes). and Now It doesnt help that i kept turning to marijuana to ignore life (I finally decided to stop a few days ago, now my emotions are all over the yard). In addition, my grades are absolutely abysmal, after i was a straight A student all throughout my high school and most of college career. I have "pelvic pain syndrome" (WTF, apparently there's no way of diagnosing a cause nor is there any type of specific cure), meaning i have random sensations of pain in my prostate region, i have nonspecific lower back pain that persists no matter what... Damn. What a life. Jeez.