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For "survivors" it doesn't get better

Posted by cygnusmom at January 31, 2012
Tags:  2012 January

I am a "survivor" of suicide. My son, the love of my life, ended his close to 9 months ago. The irony of this is painful. 9 months is the gestation period that I had before having him. I loved him so very much. He made me want to be a better person. I wasn't always a better person, but I loved him and tried in every way that I knew how, to let him know, that I'd love him no matter what, that I'd support him, regardless of whatever decisions he made for his life, e.g., profession, etc. He is gone. My heart is forever broken. I question every move I have ever made as a parent. I feel failure and shame and despair and guilt. I want more than anything to go back in time and stop him from destroying himself. But I cannot do that. It is too late. I don't know if I can feel joy again. If you are considering suicide, please think about those that you will leave behind. Not only am I, my poor, incredibly saddened husband, and many friends and family impacted with incredible sorrow and questions (what did I miss?!), and guilt...I have witnessed people that my boy had no clue he'd impact, crumble, topple over an edge they were on already, and fall into a sad abyss, as a result as his loss. I had a neighbor who watched my child grow up...he was not close to my son, but tended toward depression, and the tragic nature of my son's loss, prompted him towards more depression, dismay, confusion, questioning the whole goddamned universe, etc. Us "survivors", if you can call the state of our existence "surviving", is terrible..we can't move forward in our loss, we keep retracing our steps to see what we missed, how we might have prevented the tragedy, and we hate ourselves for any minute item that we find, in retrospect, that we may have missed, that may have saved our loved one. If you are considering suicide...and you care about anyone in this whole fucking universe...I implore you to instead seek help for whatever is making you feel this desperate. Because if you do not and decide to end your life, you will pass your pain on tenfold, at LEAST, to the people left behind. Is that what you want?


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By anonymous at 14,Feb,12 19:47

It is like that Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life". The angel tells the guy what life would be like for others if he never existed. It is so sad that he decides to not kill himself. The angel gets his wings then. Except this time, there was no angel. This is so sad. I am sorry for your loss.

By anonymous at 14,Feb,12 22:04

Ive considered suicide so many times since I graduated from college five years ago. Everything I was told about this world as a kid turned out to be a lie. All anybody cares about is money and status. People seek out reasons to put others down, only to try and justify there own failures. All i can say is this....i want more than ajything to leave this world. The only reason i wont do it is for my mom and dad. I just dont have the heart to leave them behind. So here i sit. Searching for meaning. Thanks for sharing. You reminded me of why im not giving up. Best of luck to you on your journey : ) Remember that there is nothing wrong with distracting yourself from painful memories. Theyll always be there and they will never stop hurting so just set them aside and take advantage of your time here on earth.
By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 13:32

"Everything I was told about this world as a kid turned out to be a lie."

Understatement of the century :)
By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 18:42

I think we were so pure hearted as children that we believed the world was run by good & competent people.
But the human race has a long way to go before it works like that. Lucky for the children of the future who may grow up seeing the world the same as they understood it when they were young, but it will be built upon the sorrows and from the ignorance of the people living now. I hope they never take it for granted.
By anonymous at 18,Feb,12 11:18 Fold Up

"Everything I was told about this world as a kid turned out to be a lie."

Most, if not all, of the world's leaders are liars who try to manipulate "the led". This is why everything turned out to be a lie. Consumerism/Capitalism is the lie. From the time we are infants, people are trying to make money off of us.

By anonymous at 15,Feb,12 03:11

Ive been thinking alot about suicide lately, Its not that I dont have help, Im surrounded by help, A.A meetings, Agape recovery group, church, its just the fact that my life sucks its allways sucked, and its not getting any better. For Gods sake!, I live in a storage room, with my gracous roomates pissy blankits piled up. Im seperated from my wife who left me for another man because im a broke piece of shit that cant even afford a roof over our heads. He has a nice house, a car, a job, and my record shot so now I cant even get a decent job if I tried. My credit shot, Kicked out of the Navy, and evry project or endever I attempt fails. I get so close to acomplishment then it fucking falls apart, every damn time. Im really fed up with this humilation, Im tired of being alone, and broken. If my death hurts someone I love, Well I hope they would understand that I just couldnt bair the demands of life and I was suffering to much to continue, and decided to quiken the ednabadbul. If I did carry through with it, not that I would, but suffering sucks, nobody wants to hurt this bad for this long, and nobody should have to.
By anonymous at 15,Feb,12 15:59

Please don't give up before the miracle happens. I don't know you but, I do care about you as a fellow child of God. Please get help as I've had too many friends kill themselves and it really hurts so much each and everday. Please don't kill yourself and trust God to help you throught this sorrow and loss you feel. He will help you! Love, jason
By bert at 07,Mar,12 19:15

Does it piss anyone else off even more when someone brings of God and Jesus? You don't need to resort to religion in order to be happy. I wish people would fuck off with their religion. Just offer people help that you can provide with advice that doesn't involve an imaginary friend like God.

By anonymous at 15,Feb,12 11:04

im very sory for your loss im to thinking of checking out im so lonley i have no purpus im just here i go to theropey by weekley i have no friends just my familey that has no clue i put on a good front and keep smiling we im screaming in side today is a bad day i have ben sick for a long time and i have nothing left to give im so tired i live in southern ohio i need HELP
By at 15,Feb,12 18:43

Do you want to talk? I'll give you my email/ph if you like. Thanks for your condolences and I hope you are feeling better this afternoon.

By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 12:33

i am so sorry for your loss. really i am. you sound like the type of mother i have. we mean the absolute world to each other. but i am 24 and have had depression for 10 years and now it is worse than ever. she has done everything to help me including rehab, medication, therapy, talking to me every day to make me feel better. but i hurt her and everyone in my family because i now dont believe in the help anymore since nothing has worked. i dont want to hurt anybody. i really am a great guy and have always cared for my family. i still do but it kills me to see them suffer because of me. i dont want to hurt anybody anymore. i cant stand putting them through pain. its the worst feeling in the world to hurt people who care about you the most. i just dont know what to do anymore.

By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 13:31

You're looking at this the wrong way. He is free now, free from the pain he was suffering. It's not your fault. Every person has free will and that was a choice he made. You need to let go. He had moved on, and would want you to as well.
By anonymous at 01,Mar,12 22:52

I agree with you.
By anonymous at 01,Jul,12 20:35


By anonymous at 18,Feb,12 11:07

Create a web site dedicated to your son. I'm not talking about a Facebook account. I'm talking about a stand-alone web site from a hosting service like YAHOO. You can even get your own

Provide photos and memories for the world to see. You might even get messages from people who knew your son who might be able to shed light on why he took his own life.

Life is VERY difficult. Even the Christian Bible has many verses contained within its pages about deep despair. There are many verses where the writer asks or says, "Why was I ever born?" or "I wish I was never born". 99.999% of us have one time or another...these same questions. The rest of us somehow manage to muddle the rest of the way through our own lives. To me, life is a "proving-ground"...NOT a pleasant vacation. It is a "proving-ground" for something we have yet to experience.

By anonymous at 20,Feb,12 15:33

The bible is also filled with lies. Unless you read it in its entirety, its best not to give people advice concerning it.
By anonymous at 01,Mar,12 22:55

There parts in the bible where gods soldiers ripped babies from the wombs of their mothers because they ere on the wrong side. Mott mention all the babies killed in the flood , lot offering his girls for rape.... Great reading for kids

By anonymous at 20,Mar,12 06:38


Suicide is not wht JEsus wants us to do .Its from devil he promts he controls its hard its done that moment when we r hurt or rejected or in pain.Thats the time Satan strikes.But just know that Jesus is in full control .Your loss and hurt has no short cut solutiion.Please pray to GOD to give you peace and joy .And live a life that will make you happy and please GOD .

By anonymous at 28,Apr,12 14:16

You poor dear woman! Please accept my most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your son. I could actually feel your pain through your words. I beg you to do your best to carry on.

I worry about my own 17-year old son taking his life and so I empathize deeply. I would not be able to carry on, should that happen.
By anonymous at 30,Apr,12 19:06

Thanks for your kind words. Is your son getting any help? I'm asking b/c I know it's hard to make someone get help if they don't want it. But I'll share my 20/20 hindsight- I'd have been pushier and more inquisitive if I could do it over again. I wouldn't worry about his privacy, or assume that b/c his grades were good, that he was "fine".

By Tessa at 15,May,17 01:46

I have a RoamEO GPS dog collar. It has worked for 1.5 yrs. but now I can’t get the collar to pick up a radio pack. The receiver seems to work fine. Any advice or some place I can take it for repair? The company who made the collar is no longer in bunnsess.Thaik you.

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