I always wanted to be perfect. When I was little I could have been everything. An Actor, a musician or a comedian. I was born pretty, as something special, that everybody looked and said :" oh, how cute". I was the star on every travel. I was the prince, or even the king. I was born with a strong body and good mind. So everything I wanted I could do. I was the best in athletics. And I dreamed about beeing the best in Jumps and Speedwalk. I joined so many things for only 3 weeks, because I wanted to have everything. I have 2 older brother, so maybe thats a syndrome or something, because I was young but still made things 10 year older people had to go trough.
So I always wanted to live trough everything. Had lived everything, every feeling and be still kind and patient to all human beeings. I started to just be whatevery other people wanted me to me, as long as everybody likes me. And they did. I can almost speak with everyone. And everyone would like me.
When I was 7 and everything was great my stepfather joined the family. He was and alcoholic. He beated my mom and sometimes me. I didnt understand what was going on, because I was only 8 or 9. He was sometimes running with a knife after me and my mom and we were hiding a lot.
No I am 21, but until I was around 17, for 10 years every night I was scared that he would kill my mother. I know that sounds crazy, and he wouldnt have done it.
But in my childish brain it all made sense.
So every night i was hiding behind the door and listened to everything they did, when he was drunk and screaming.
My brothers werent home. So I was alone.
At the same time I was in school. And until then, I couldt speak to everyone about that. It was my secret.
My real father by the way was gone. I only saw him every year. And between that I thought he was hanging himself, I couldt reach him after 100 calls.
Just a small thing, and many small things that just sucked and made my brain wash away. I always wanted to have extreme feelings. Always wanted everything and still be perfect and nice to everyone.
I am a proud man, everyday a different feeling. Happy and deeply sad. For 8 years now I want to kill myself. Im loving life, and I love myself. But I cant take life, because I think everything trough.
I had the fact that everything has to end.
As I read, all the facts seem stupid. But as I am me, And have these feelings inside, I have to live with that. And I know there are many people that have a more crappy life. But as time is present, and as I sit here and stay at all that grey things, my brain screams and crys for every shitty and beautiful thing at the same time, the world is and were.
I love the world, and still hate here.
Hate myself and still like myself and dont want to kill myself.
"let it be as it is. Dont worry, just enjoy" whatever