LIFE SUCKS

Does god hate me this much?

My name is Hikari and i have 10 brothers and sisters with a single mom.I'm a teenager yet my mom treats me like a child she tells me nothing but lies when it comes to the things i want in life,and shes always feeding me false promises.I am ashamed of myself because i dont find myself eautiful in any way except for on the inside and whenever i tell my mom she just shrugs me off.My youngest sister alissa is autistic and that is her excusefor everything that she does wrong whenever alissa does something she shrugs it off and tells oh dont do it again sweet heart be easier on her guys she is autistic,but if i did something the punishments start rolling in.Iv'e thought about suicide a couple of times but everytie i do it i think of how sad people that actually do care about me might feel.i have no friends and just started a new school i really like this boy but a guy like him would never give a girl like me the time of day and all i want from life is to look in the miror and not want to cry each time i wanna find the one who is for me and only me but im afraid hedoesnt exsist and what would happen if i I recently found out that my mother was keeping the fact that i had a still born brother from me for 7 years and wasnt planning on telling me.I'm constantly sad and angry with the world but mostly god because i have no idea what i did to deserve a life like this, but i hope it was pretty darn terrible for my life to be like this.i'm the only one of my age group thats a female in the house and i'm very lonely i want a dog but my mom of course would say no to me and then get my sister one i just cant stand it all i do is do for other people and im so unnapreciated and alone no one understands me because no one is me i try and find situations to my problems but every other week were broke im sick of being poor and not being able to do my own thing im talented but every talent scout that comes our way she isnt willing to pay to fly me to photoshoots or videoshoots so im never gonna realize my dream she never thinks of and the answer is always no i jus cant take it does anyone really care and if so where are they now. i just want to look at my life and myself and be able to smile and say beautiful but im afraid that thatwill never happen why does god hate me so much so much that he cant fix what he supposedly created why why am i so different from everyone else why am i alone.