Pissed at the world and the choices I make | Posted by sure you betcha at July 28, 2011 | Tags: 2011 July Relationship |
Ok so my life is golden compared to many. However, I am about out of coping skills.Most of the crap I went through as a pre teen/kid my own fault. I made poor decisions which in turn left me in crappy situations. I have handled most of that. A couple of them stay with me regardless and I am in my mid30s. I thought I was over the abuse (NOT my Family)The rapes, the abortions (which I was not given a choice in)And occasionally the drug addiction rears its ugly head. I do not give in to at least my DOC but will use pain killers to dope me up enough to tone down the edge and make it tolerable. Lately the abuse issue kicks in because in my martial arts classes they have decided we need to learn to defend against choking. While they will let me work with my husband it still is not enough. I can handle most things physical pain is nothing. One of my friends says I am tough as nails and should be able to handle this. The other states my fear seems unrealistic since I love horror shows. Come on guys Horror shows are scripted.... Not real~ A choke hold is real and have had repeated instances of being on the recieving end of one. Almost ran out of class in a melt down trying to do what was asked of me.
I have been married for 14 years. And do not believe I have been in love with him for most of that time. We have spent 14 years working on a facade to fool those who know us how our relationship really is. I have been falling for a guy I have no business falling for. Even if he did think of me the same way he is 19 going on 20 in less than a month. I have 2 kids. I cannot work due to disability. He isnt ready for an instant family. I have been becoming pretty good friends with his parents as well and if they had the slightest clue what I am thinking I am not sure we would be friends much longer. While they are not judgemental at all and accepting of anything I have seen them face this is one thing I dont think could be overlooked.And I know he wants a family and kids of his own. I cant have any more kids. I tell myself daily I have no business thinking like this and go over all the reasons why it is wrong but still not fighting this well. Now keep in mind It is not a case of the grass is greener on the other side because he also has his faults but he doesnt expect me to be someone I am not.
Now that I do not work outside the home I am expected to do everything that has anything to do with it. Including kids, cleaning caring for animals making business phone calls. He wont even throw away his own beer bottles or vacuum a floor and gets pissed if I dont do what he suddenly expects. However guess what I told him before we were married I had no interest in being barefoot and pregnant. nor a good little housewife. I have to give up everything for him but he gives up nothing for me. I wish I could add details but I have enough details in this that if for some odd reason someone I know reads this they will say oh hey look its *** whats her problem. No thanks. It is possible I am just completely lusting over this guy but I shouldnt be going there either. He and I have a very open communication and talk about sex and stuff. He just doesnt know that later I have to run home and take a cold shower to get control. I rarely have sex with my hubby and when I do it is suddenly all about his gratification and none of mine. Used to be he would take care of me first to be sure I wasnt left hanging. Now we have sex once every 6 months on average and more that 3/4 of the time I am left hanging. How long am I expected to stay faithful? I am in my prime and horney damn it!Then add this guy into the mix and I am so sexually frustrated I cant see straight. If I thought I stood a chance in hell I would be trying to sleep with him. There is definately more BS going on but I am too tired to go there tonight. Maybe tomrrow. Thanks for listening
| |
New Comment
Comments:
|
|
|
New Comment