I type this message with a broken heart and drowning in self-pity. I cannot stand who I have become, always feeling so bad for myself. My severe pride issues makes me feel angered I can become so worthless and continue to lick my wounds. I feel sharply ashamed I am not a man in my own eyes. I am nothing but an immature and weak child.
I have no real friends who ever seek my attention. I am always "that guy" in the group who needs to do something stupid or humiliating enough just to be noticed. In all cases I need to approach 'friends' to be involved. I know I am tolerated (somewhat) and not respected, much less liked. I really think I have some social disorder as I am ALWAYS the black sheep and seem to be awkward during social circumstances. I have asocial tendencies which makes me even more sad as I am a true extrovert who loves human interaction.
I sit in class daily and can't help but notice that I am on my own whenever classmates need to look for partners. In this and other circumstances few acknowledge me, even if I take the first steps. If possible many try to avoid associating with me. I am SO lonely and have done so much to try to combat it that I suspect that I am too inherently flawed to be loved.
That's quite possibly the saddest part - I am BURSTING with love and compassion and want to be there for someone but nobody cares for me. There is a girl who I am deeply in love with but she has trapped me in the 'friend zone'. From her actions I know she doesn't REALLY care about me, but she at least pretends to. I am so desperate that her false care and infectious personality is all I need to be head over heels. The relationship is bittersweet as the time I spend with her is the only time I feel somewhat happier, but I can see I am often a burden to her and she (1) doesn't really care for me and (2) I am never to be in a more serious relationship with her.
I am a 17 year old virgin who has never had a girlfriend. Due to my pride I am a compulsive liar, especially on this topic. I pretend to be less of a loser but I always twinge internally, as it reminds me of how helpless I am. I have also never been cool enough to be invited to drink or smoke with anyone ever. Peer pressure never existed for me because I was at home feeling unhappy and caring for my younger brothers (My dad has been near death since I was in Kindergarten. My mom helps out, but as the eldest I needed to bear some of the load as well.)
Between being the eldest and the 'good' kid, I put severe pressure on myself from a young age to be perfect. I struggle with my perfectionism daily and, when I am successful, I can feel on top of the world, if only for a minute. But the pitfalls often make me even more sad, angry and destructive in many ways (more of the pride issues coming in here...).
I always bottle it up and keep it to myself for fear of appearing weak and end up hurting myself and anyone who is in my life when I am emotional, physically and emotionally. I become even more amplified and unstable. More so than anything in my life I try to manage my emotions and well-being. I try SO HARD to avoid anger, loneliness and depression and take logical steps to improve my situation but invariably I (like my life in a nutshell) FAIL.
Officially I have acute cases of both bipolar disorder and ADHD, but I suspect I have far more conditions than just those two (I would be SHOCKED if I wasn't also paranoid, OCD and had severe anxiety amongst others). These don't excuse my actions at all, but merely explain a little of how terribly disturbed I am.
I was born with many blessings (a good brain, solid socio-economic status, good looks - or so I have been told; I'm skeptical) and yet am incapable of success in most any aspect. I have everything in place to make my life better but am incapable and have only made my situation worse. I hate my life and want to die. I fail to see any value anymore.
There is more to my story but that's it in a nutshell. I apologize for wasting your time with my pathetic life. | |
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