I am effeminate and gay. I am 6'6" tall, 200 Ibs, out of shape, 20 years old, and horribly ashamed. When I started school as a child, it quickly became clear to me that I was far worse than the other children. I remember taunts that were given to me several times daily. I talked like a girl, and I wasn't one to completely avoid a barbie or two, if i was given the chance. By first grade, when summoned to spell, I could only whisper fearfully. This angered my teacher and she would tell me to speak up. This was even more humiliating, a double whammy. Years crept by, and nothing changed except for my height. I was always monstrously taller than my classmates, with an odd, protruding belly. One thing was clear, they all hated me. I was constantly ridiculed for years, and it made me hate them. There was me, and there was them. No us. I never wanted anyone to notice me, and this was difficult because I was huge. I hardly spoke, and if I did, my words were mousy, unsure, ladylike, and often made fun of. I would explore other realms to cope. Television, my own imagination, but most of all, video games. They were my best friend. I would wander through them for hours, loving that I was somewhere else. My fantasy world at home didn't have room for the horrors of school, so I rarely did homework and thus, received terrible grades. Because I was so starved for company, I would attach myself to my year younger sister. I would beg to spend time with her, to please please let me into her room and see her, but she refused. Her nerves were shattered by how needy and obnoxious I was, so she treated me badly. She would use me for favors, but coldly dismiss me when I wasn't of use to her. To this day, she manipulates me like dough. She and her friends tried their best to exclude me from their giggly functions. Sometimes they would let me join, but always begrudgingly. This made me feel like waste. In my small, private, catholic church school, I continued to grow up with the same 50 classmates without ever befriending them. I feared them, even. I was always known as the fat, sloppy, gay, weird guy who never did his homework, never talked, was obsessed with his little sister, and had absolutely no friends. ~~to be continued
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