Going to rant here a bit but i hope some of you read this and help me out.
I'm 18 years old and i dont have anything going for me. Growing up i was always very shy, never really ever talked to girls growing up, didnt even have my first kiss until i was 17, almost 18. My first girlfriend i was with for 5 months turned out to be insane and she ruthlessly broke my heart when i was madly in love with her. Cutt off contact with her tho completely, haven't talked to her in months. I do a lot of drugs and thats really one of the only things in life that i enjoy. I smoke pot and cigs daily, drink alcohol whenever i can (steal my mom and stepdads liquor whenever i get the chance to, and they know i do) I feel like im lazy and hate working. My job sucks, and i haven't even been working lately. The ride there is 2 hours and the ride back is usually 3 hours with no pay. Not to mention i only make 8$ an hour doing mexican work. I got my learners permit in June 2010 right after i turned 18 but in my state they make you wait 9 months to be able to get your licence. I was charged with possesion of marijuana in October 2010 and got a 400$ fine and 6 months suspension of my licence, so now i have to wait even longer before i can drive. I've applied for so many jobs and nothing is hiring. My mother and stepfather whom i live with are both hardcore alcoholics, they drink every single day and my mom is trashed every single night, so i try to just stay in my room whenever i am home. About 10 days ago my mom was drunk and told me she is tired of me being around here and pretty much told me to get the fuck out, so i grabbed some stuff and went n stayed at a friends for a week, maybe a little more. During that week my best friend and his sorta-gf and i had a 3some when we were drunk one night, well they had a fight and my best friend took off. I ended up staying with his sorta-girlfriend (they were dating for like a year but they broke up a few weeks ago, they still act like a couple but they say they aren't dating) for a few days and we ended up making out, holding hands, cuddling, and having sex all the time. She tells me she has so many feelings for me and i feel so bad for doing what i did to my best friend, its starting to eat at me. I'm incredibly lonely even tho i have a decent amount of friends, cuz my neighborhood is so boring and small. The only thing that brings joy to my life is drugs, money, rapping, and female companionship. Well i came home yesterday n my mom was making me feel bad acting like she never told me to get out, and she said she is sorry. I went to a party that night n came home later on but today her and my stepdad have been yelling at me every time i leave the room cuz they are always so drunk. I feel so unwelcome in my own home i dont even go into the kitchen and get anything to eat. I havent eaten all day and its 4:30pm. Sometimes i say i want to kill myself but i honestly wouldnt ever do it, im too scared that there is no afterlife, or even if there is if God would have any mercy on me, i highly doubt God is real tho, but i dont know for a fact so im not going to talk shit about religion. My 25 year old brother thinks im stupid and the only thing we really have in common is smoking pot, which he does nonstop. My father lives a few hours from me, he is a lot like my brother, thinks im dumb, smokes weed 24-7, only difference is hes a prick and lives off welfare, but they both live in trailers. My father tells me i can move down there with him but i think itd be even worse there because he is crazy as shit and all he ever tells me to do is join the military, but id really rather not.
Im sitting here watching football, one of the few things in life that i enjoy, but im starving, out of cigs, and feel like i have nothing. | |
New Comment