When I was younger, everything was awesome. But, when I turned 17, everything went to shit. I started to get anxious and depressed, and had to choose which college to go to... ended up REGRETTING that decision. And, I still regret it. I am trying to pick up the pieces of that decision since I graduated and continue on with my life on the path I thought I knew, which is buried deep inside of me and still there (that spark that doesn't ever quite go out but the flame is muted sometimes.)
My brother is schizophrenic, so mental illness runs in the family. I suppose when I turned 17, I became anxious and depressed genetically, but with no support system (family/friends), I wasn't able to make an informed decision, and fucked up my own life. So, yes, it was my fault, but it was also a product of my own life/situation. This is because everyone is concerned with my brother (I know, jealousy, right, even for someone who is schizophrenic!) I get it, it's kind of messed up, but it's hard to deal with. Just because I'm NOT schizophrenic doesn't mean I don't deserve support, love, and all that other shit he gets but I don't.
Also, when I was 15, my mom remarried, and it fucked me up a lot, because I felt like my mom was abandoning me (borderline personality disorder, maybe?) Anyway, that was the start of me losing all my of childhood friends, stealing, drinking, having lots of sex, but still managing to overwork myself in school to the point where I got straight A's and getting into a good college that I didn't give a rat's ass about but everyone else was so proud of me for! And, of course I listened to them, when I should have listened to the voice inside my head that said, "They haven't been there for you this far. They just want prestige for themselves if you go there; they don't really care about what you want. You have 17 years of anecdotal PROOF of that. Don't listen to them! Go somewhere else, start your own life, and be HAPPY!"
But, of course, I HOPED that they cared. I hoped that they were a NORMAL family, who wanted what was best for me, and maybe KNEW what was best for me. They didn't. It turns out I went to this school, and felt so alone... I was still misunderstood by them. My friends sometimes understand me more than my family.
It's confusing is what it is.
I was also afraid of NOT going to that school (that they might abandon me if I didn't go)... which is of course ridiculous and just a fear. Good to know now. Is this how my life is going to be like? A bunch of decisions I will regret? Don't people say that's the worst life to live? Wow, now I feel worse, and I thought talking was supposed to make you feel better... | |
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