LIFE SUCKS

I can't move on

Ok, my story is quite long, I have had bad luck for all my life. When I was small my father came home usually drunk and angry. He couldn't find a proper job so he put all his frustration on me - he beat me alot, with things he just found all around and it was anytime - at night, in the evening, in the morning, he punished me for each single thing I did wrong. Finally when I was around 8 my mother got divorced and things in my family went better. But I had problem at school. I look a little exotic so people aorund me didn't like me - they didn't talk to me, they called me a gypsy and an ugly monster and they told me they will talk to me only if I have a blond hair (or light) hair. It continued - in the beginning it was only verbal then it turned into physical bullying so I had to change a school. One year was good but then I had to go to a high school. I choosed quite hard high school.....I was again an outsider, people didn't talk to me and they called me ugly and stupid. I was able to hold this verbal insults by them but I felt very insecure outside too - people just so called me ugly (in the trolleybus, at the bus stop) and had fun, one time they even attacked me in the public (I was 12 they were around 15)they had fun because of my look, then they put me down and they spat on me (alot of adult people was around and they didn't do a thing to help me!!). I turned 14 and things went worse, I was failing at school. I learned alot but I wasn't intelligent enough. One day teachers called me and they told me to decide - "You will leave or we will fire you, you are just not good enough for this school!". This made my confidence even worse. I left. I choosed another school which I didn't like at all, I didn't learn, actually this school was very easy and I didn't want to belong there (alot of drunk people, they took drugs, they were so harsh to each other), I did nothing and I hated all my classmates there. One year later I went to another high school (not the same as in the beginning)...I swore to myself that I will learn as hard as possible, I tried really very hard and I did well in my first year....Second year another nightmare began - I found a boyfriend, I really loved him a lot, I would be able to do anything for him. This time I was 17 years old.....He lived in another city (but close to mine). After two months he looked I mean his behaviour changed....then he told me that he would like to have sex....OK I know some people have sex when they are 12, but I didn't feel in my 17 to have sex after two months, we have alot of intim moments, but I didn't feel like having it....he was really weird and told me: "We will have sex right now or we can break up...." I was shocked and I wasn't able to move...I don't know how to explain this, I don't know how this could happen but he forced me to took off my clothes, then he brought a cam and told something like: "You will do what I will tell you, otherwise I will kill you and myself too so if you love me you should do this to me." and then he raped me....he made a video....he was threatening me with this video all next year. He wanted to put it on the internet, then he wanted to tell this to my mum, then he wanted to made a public site about me....after one year he moved away and I haven't heard about him anymore. Then it was my last year at the high school, I remember one girl really hated me there and made alot of fun from me....I came to school after my illness and I found on our message table a paper with somehting like: XXXX is still a virgin, she offers this service: oral sex etc...under it there was my phone number. I felt like shit. Noone from my classmates put this away. They just let it there. This girl became very cruel to me, she insult me every day and called me a lesbian. My final exams were slowly coming but I was very depressed....a few days before them I swallowed all the pills I found at home. Around 80 (yes I wanted to die), but I didn't die they only took me to a doctor, they flushed my stomach and sent me home with some pills which should make me calmer. I spent two months in my rooom unable to walk out...and noone from my "friends" had ever called me. They didn't visit me, they didn't ask me what happened, whether I was fine or something else. Nothing. They forgot me. After two months I went out from my flat. Something strange happened. After few steps I began to choke and I vomited. I returned back home. It took another one month when I was able to go out for half an hour without vomiting or choking. I had to take another and later date for my final exams. It was a shame, I told everyone that I was ill so I couldn't come. I passed. Then I choosed some university which took late students (I didn't want to study this at all). But my weird state of my body continued. I sometimes choked, vomited, sweated a lot, I was all red for no reason or in situations I was nervous or in situations which reminded me the past - and people noticed this. I felt again very ashamed so I decided to visit a psychiatrist. She was very quickly done with me, she told me I have panic attacks and send me home with some pills. I didn't feel well after those pills so I called her - she told that it was normal and I should hold it. She didn't change my pills after one year so I changed her for another doctor. Another psychiatrist told me that I suffer from panic attack, social anxiety, OCD and I am hyperactive (to be honest when I was younger I was diagnosed with OCD and hyperactivity). He gave me another pills (and much stronger). In the end I returned to my first pills and I take them together with these ones. After all of this I decided to help people...I try to be active...I finaly study another university which I like and my mother really supports me and I should move on and I should be happy....But I am not, every day I wake up and wish I was dead, every evening I think about past and I can't get over it. I have no friends (I talk to a lot of people who study with me but they are all the same, they respect me because I try so hard so I look like I am intelligent, they want my help but if I ask them to go out, they never go with me - I think it's because I am boring), my previous friends don't talk to me because they think I am a freak. When I sleep I have bad dreams about raping and about bullying. I fear people alot and I feel dirty, I think everyone wants to hurt me because everyone can see how weak I am. I can't find a boyfriend, I long to be hugged but my body and my mind don't allow anyone to touch me. I have noone to tell this, even my mum doesn't know this. Sometimes I have a panic attack but all those pills help me to survive. I don't like this life, I am nervous and I fear every day.....I am happy that I could put this somewhere....