I am living her in texas now, i live far away from everything. My mom is an alcoholic and entirely unreliable, even though she puts up this ruse of being a professional nurse. I tried telling people about what its like living with her but they wouldn't listen, she fools everyone with a web of lies, and i get punished everytime i tell something to others that my mom doesn't want them to know.
I'm 20 years old, i moved out here originally when i was 18, then i moved back to be with a woman who i thought i loved, i traveled thirteen hundred miles to get back to california, and when i got there, she wouldn't even speak to me. When i was out here in texas my friends of 16 years replaced me with people who just made fun of me. I worked as a telemarketer for a long time, giving away more than half my paycheck to my grandmother in rent. Finally after i got fired i moved back to texas, california had nothing left for me but heartache, every where i went i was reminded of better times that were no longer.
When i first got here i told my mother that if she didn't help me get my license that i was going to the national gaurd and that she would see me when i get back. Well on the 15 of december this year, it will have been a year since ive come back. All my mother expects me to do is clean up the house after my little brother and her and whoever she decides is her boyfriend. I just got my permit for the first time in my life in september a week before i turned 20.
Everyday i wake up it becomes harder and harder for me to breathe, i check my phone constantly for calls that never come. I can't even have a relationship with a girl because i can't get a job and i dont have a license. I met my father for the first time in my life a year ago, and he has made all these promises that things were gonna get better. But they aren't.
I am thinking of either running away one day, or just ending it all, no letter or anything. Everyone i have ever met in my life has made it obvious that i won't be missed, that im not even worth the extra 20 minute drive to hang out with. I mean nothing, and the worst part of it all, i hate myself. i can't even stand to look in the mirror anymore, i hate watching my arms detoriate, i hate going out and smoking cigerettes just to take my mind off of this hell.
The best years of my life, these are supposed to be. And im spending them in a house, i can't afford college, and i can't get away.
This is my story, to anyone, my best advice to you, don't trust anyone but yourself, because in reality, every person is looking out for themselves first, so don't be different. I did, and my life is ruined because of it. | |
I don't know if you'll read this, but I'm rooting for you and you're not alone. I've been a depressing situation myself, and so I went looking online for other people who might have a similar situation. The fact that your father is back in your life and that he cares enough to tell you that things are going to be better should mean something. I have no relationship with my father, and I wish he would care enough to at least tell me that things will be better. The world is a cruel place, but don't let it get to you. You seem to be very heavy burdened with all your disappointment and depression. I do not know if you are spiritual or even believe in a God, but Jesus said "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." He wants you to put your burden on him and let him carry it for you, because he loves you. I hope what I said helped a bit. I'll be praying for you brother.
the most important part is your psyche! as long as it works nicely outer circumstances will not have such a tremendous effect on you, once its broken its hard to get along... My personal situation aint that bad probably but once your psyche is down it becomes really hard, I guess theres even people who would envy me for my situation as far as my job is concerned but my psyche wont let me have any fun in my life at all I go to work in the morning and come back in the evening or afternoon, then I feel so depressed that I dont do anything useful nor fun I wish that would change but I realized I cant do anything about it... yep, once you realize how life works, esp. your life and you see that if you cared for other people it was always for your worse and that in turn nobody cares for you, thats hard, but that was a lesson to me, a mistake I am not planning on doing again. Keep it up bro! 20 years aint that bad lots of things can change. BTW try to change something, join a church (a minority one) and pretend to be interested,it might help you! ;) you may find a nice girlfriend there, dont take religious matters too serious though!
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