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Just have to let this all out.

Posted by Peach at October 27, 2010
Tags: Attitude  2010 October

Hi, I'm Peach.
I have no one to talk to, so I thought I'll let it out everything here.
Please forgive for poor english, it's not my native language.

I'm as student. In my life I've encountered various financial problems, but this one is probably the worst one. In fact, I'll be in the streets next month If I won't find a job. I have no friend capable of lending me the money and I just can't ask my mother, who has been working so hard for me.

I'm completely terrified. I have no idea how ashamed it would be to be kicked out of accommodation. But that's not the last of my problems.

I guess I have a constant fight with myself. Even though I passed 20s already, I still have those thoughts of suicide that mostly 16 year olds have. I know It's silly and stupid, but it's just crawling back to me every time I'm alone. Among my friends I'm a cheerful person, always trying to help others, listen them out. I would do whatever it takes to help a friend. It's not that I'm pretending when I'm with them, but inside I feel like an empty vase that's gonna break to pieces as soon as parts with friends. Everytime I'm alone I become very depressed and stressed about everything. I don't have friends, who could accept me as I am.

I don't have a boyfriend. Which is bugging me, because I'm not ugly or smth. I think it's because usually I'm too straightforward and a strong person-meaning I never ask anyone's help and always try to keep strong. But recently I'm a real mess.

One of the reasons I can't leave this world is because I don't want to hurt my mother so badly. She has only me and me only. It would completely destroy her. And as my life is pathetic I don't want to make it miserable for other people.

What is more. What I'm studying is not the subject I want to. Basically went for it just because I wanted a good job and to support my mom. But lately it began to put pressure on me as my course mates keeps teasing me, and telling me like ''oh, you didn't know that''. Thinking like- you're such a loser, you don't know anything!
But I'm not stupid, I really try hard I guess, but I just can't know everything can I?

And so I'm listening to Evanescence and yeah..maybe I'll get better..maybe I won't...

I just need someone to save me from all of this. Take me far away from here.

I know most people have bigger problems and children in Africa are starving and bla bla bla, but knowing this just doesn't help me at all.

I would be better off in a coffin.


New Comment

By anonymous at 30,Oct,10 12:10

This too shall pass, brother..

By anonymous at 30,Oct,10 15:28

=.= dont you bla bla bla the children in Africa

By anonymous at 30,Oct,10 19:23

You are young and have the world in the palm of your hand. I'm probably twice your age, with kids to support and a man who does nothing to support this place. I work like a fucking dog and still can't make it. So stay in school,get your degree and quit worrying about having some dumbass man around. Trust me, they will eventually ruin your life. You're life seems like gold to me. I only wish I could be your age and start over. its too late for me, but you can make it. Being 6 feet under in the cold earth does no good to anyone. Fight and it will all come back to you one day. You just need to be patient. You at least have a chance at a good future, so don't fuck it up with by consistantly feeling sorry for yourself. Surround yourself with positive things and anyone making you feel like a loser, get the hell away from them. They aren't worth your time. Please, stay in school, get a good career and you will see your life will be wonderful.

By anonymous at 30,Oct,10 19:50

Wow Peach! I feel just like you do. Just recently I was staring into the abyss. Like you I don't have anyone to share my real feelings with. Just like you my friends see the funny, nice person and that's just how I want them to see me. I've been out of work for almost a year. I could lose my house, my dignity and self esteem. I feel so alone and lonely and that just doesn't go away, even though I'm surrounded by people I know love me. I thought if I could make it look like an accident, my family could get my family could get the life insurance policy. Everything I've worked for may slip away from me and I'll have no where to live, with my family and pets, n o t h i n g. I pray every day to my relatives that have passed and ask them to help me by showing me the way, where to turn. You and I both know that our cases are not the worst! Yes, there are many more situations where people are truly struggling but we can't help anyone if we can't help ourselves first. My thoughts have been going the range of running away from everything to ending it all. But you are so smart to know that your passing would be so painful for your mother, you couldn't do it. That made ME think about my family and let me tell you, thank you so much for that thought. Taking your own life is a very selfish thing to do and

By anonymous at 30,Oct,10 23:42

wow story of my life...hey don't give up,,hope for the best cuz you never no the there must me some good reason for us to live in this world like billion's out there..peace..

By anonymous at 31,Oct,10 10:40

I know, it sucks. not being in a relationship and not knowing why, studying something you don't like, creating that way a boring future on a job level, facing economical problems.... Myself, i was in the same position, and you know what the scariest part of all is? I quit college and achieved my dream, which had nothing to do with what i was studying. Then i found a boyfriend after 2 years of being all alone and finally right when my bank account was about to empty, i got the job i always dreamed of, and got a good salary. Now, 1 year later, i think that achieving all that just made my life empty again. I got bored of the job, i once thought as the ideal one, i got bored of my boyfriend, and well, ok i have money enough to live a good life but whats the point? I think i still havent found one would make me really happy, and im afraid that i never will, so ill just live another 45 empty years, with a job a partner and enough money on my bank account. Great....

By Thomas at 31,Oct,10 17:44

Peach i live the oeach state of Georgia. I left to look for a job and I got a good job athe Honda transmission plant mking $15.00 an hour Monday thru Friday 9 to 5. I don't like job becuase it is hard but i amke good money I left my family. My knew iwas looking for work and they were when i got the job. Honda Locks is alos hiring but The transmission plant is where most of my freinds awork and I accept folks for who they are. I dont kill yourself. it is not worth it. I girl i knew hung herself becuase she was chricly ill and she want her parents to take her the rest of her life and she hung herself at work. her was Lyndie and no she did work for Honda. i miss her alot. i know her sisters she was 1 of 5 girls that i now she had fun life but she went through with what she had plan to do and I attend thefuneral and I had to be a pa bearer becuase no one would do it becuase of how she ended her life me and 9 of my freinds carried her to hurse and loaded her up and loaded her and out the casket in the grave. I hated to do that and out a rose on her casket before she was buried. I am alive and depressed but I don't let get to me. Hang in there.

By anonymous at 01,Nov,10 06:21

The same thing is happening to me ......

By anonymous at 01,Nov,10 08:12

shit i've lost nearly everything someone can lose at one time or another...i once had the proverbial wife, 3 kids, house in the suburbs, 2 cars and a cabin on the lake...i got cancer which i survived, then woke up one day and lost everything except a few valuables and some money, no job, and nowhere to go but the homeless shelter...i lived on. i'm still living. no matter how bad things ever got or get suicide was never an option...things may be bad in this life but living is waaaaaaaaaay better than dying

stop looking for a white knight...there's about as much chance ot that happening as there is of you hitting the lotto

long as u got 3 squares a day, a warm safe place to sleep and pee and clothes on your back...everything else is a bonus

By anonymous at 05,Nov,10 00:17

Stay in school cuz it pays in the end. if what you are studying for isn't your dream career, i'd say the money you earn from it will help you maybe go back to school to study for what you really love! But you are intelligent to know that taking your life is not the best solution. And not having a boyfriend should be the least of your worries at this moment! You don't need more heartache.

By Peach at 09,Nov,10 06:53

Thank you so much everyone for responding. Just by reading those comments I feel slightly better. I had a bad night yesterday, remembered a few people that I trusted, but the gave me nothing but heartache. I must learn how to let go of those people aqnd all the bad things that are happening to me.
Thank you.

By Polly at 16,Apr,11 11:13

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