Hi, I'm Peach.
I have no one to talk to, so I thought I'll let it out everything here.
Please forgive for poor english, it's not my native language.
I'm as student. In my life I've encountered various financial problems, but this one is probably the worst one. In fact, I'll be in the streets next month If I won't find a job. I have no friend capable of lending me the money and I just can't ask my mother, who has been working so hard for me.
I'm completely terrified. I have no idea how ashamed it would be to be kicked out of accommodation. But that's not the last of my problems.
I guess I have a constant fight with myself. Even though I passed 20s already, I still have those thoughts of suicide that mostly 16 year olds have. I know It's silly and stupid, but it's just crawling back to me every time I'm alone. Among my friends I'm a cheerful person, always trying to help others, listen them out. I would do whatever it takes to help a friend. It's not that I'm pretending when I'm with them, but inside I feel like an empty vase that's gonna break to pieces as soon as parts with friends. Everytime I'm alone I become very depressed and stressed about everything. I don't have friends, who could accept me as I am.
I don't have a boyfriend. Which is bugging me, because I'm not ugly or smth. I think it's because usually I'm too straightforward and a strong person-meaning I never ask anyone's help and always try to keep strong. But recently I'm a real mess.
One of the reasons I can't leave this world is because I don't want to hurt my mother so badly. She has only me and me only. It would completely destroy her. And as my life is pathetic I don't want to make it miserable for other people.
What is more. What I'm studying is not the subject I want to. Basically went for it just because I wanted a good job and to support my mom. But lately it began to put pressure on me as my course mates keeps teasing me, and telling me like ''oh, you didn't know that''. Thinking like- you're such a loser, you don't know anything!
But I'm not stupid, I really try hard I guess, but I just can't know everything can I?
And so I'm listening to Evanescence and yeah..maybe I'll get better..maybe I won't...
I just need someone to save me from all of this. Take me far away from here.
I know most people have bigger problems and children in Africa are starving and bla bla bla, but knowing this just doesn't help me at all.
I would be better off in a coffin.