I can't stand my life...
My family is a complete disaster. My parents and older brother always fight, my twin brother is the biggest douche in the world to me, and my little brother and sister can't go one day without whining, bitching, making a mess, or just completely drive everyone in my family insane. They also feel the need to have to CONSTANTLY ask random unnecessary questions to my parents, at the worst times. I remember my dad was on the phone, late at night, with his boss, trying to see if he could get promoted, and earn some more money, because my family can barely pay bills. The whole situation was life or death. And of course, my little sister walks up to him, at midnight, to get some water. She keeps begging, and whining to him, because he's trying his best to ignore her. My dad got furious, and yelled at her. The first thing we hear in the morning is he didn't get promoted. I can't say I was too shocked. I know that in a few months, we won't be with running water, or electricity. It blows my mind that my parents even decided to have this many children...
In addition, I'm also forced to go to a private catholic school, and I'm an atheist... I HAVE to take a class on religion. (one that I don't believe in, because at this point, I lost all hope in any source of a higher power.) I don't even see the point of why we HAVE to. How does studying the life of Jesus and God, have anything to do with me, wanting to be an engineer when I grow up? (Assuming I live that long...) I have to wear a uniform, taking away my freedom. And to top it all of, I have to do community service for my school. Because, that's what I want to do. Work for some charity/organization, without getting paid, WHILE DEPRESSED.
I always hear people say, "Look to God," or, "Think positive about yourself." As I already said, I lost all hope in any religion. And I can't think positive. I'm a giant scrawny nerd, who has no athletic capabilities, no talent at anything, I'm not too "bright," and there are many things I just can't stand about people. I'm not asking to be "the coolest person on Earth," or to be famous, or rich. I just wish my body wasn't in such a shitty condition. And what's the point? No one will notice. No one will care if I change. It's like everyone only cares about themselves.
I have been thinking of suicide. But I can't even do that, because I'm a fucking coward. I've been hoping one day I'll walk down the street, and get hit by a car. It would be even better if I could ask someone to just kill me.
All the world needs is me...
But I don't need this world...
I want to die~ | |
On the positive side, I give you a thumbs up for knowing what you want to be when you grow up, most people are clueless. Nurture that passion and your life should get better.
Focus on not making the mistakes of your parents made. Focus on becoming better than they are. Study hard and get to college and then assuming you aren't mentally handicapped in some way, you will survive. Best case scenario is that you make good money from engineering and won't have to experience this kind of hardship again.
Good Luck
If you want somebody to talk to, use 1-800-273-8255.
Also, ThoughtsVent.com might help you!
Nina
www.ThoughtsVent.com
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