So I've concluded I'm a proud, lazy, liar. I hate failing so much and I feel like all I ever do is fail. I was suppose to graduate in the summer of 2011 but scheduling issues made me push it back a semester. I was too scared of everyone thinking I was a failure so I pretended to graduate and spent the next semester secretly taking my last class. Dodging people and answering why are you on campus questions got old but I had every excuse in the book.
I finally graduate that December and land a job 2 weeks later that will start at the end of the following February. I put my two weeks notice in at the crappy restaurant I worked at through college at the beginning of February. Two days later I get an email stating that my employment has been deferred til September. Not wanting to look like a failure I don't tell anyone and leave my job. Now I'm living off my savings and frantically looking for a job. I've had one interview with what I thought would be my dream job but the interviewer was so rude and I kind of blew the interview. Now I wish I would have swallowed my pride and kept waiting tables but at the same time I feel like I am ready for something more.
Within this time period I found a boyfriend. My mom is the ultimate feminist and would be so disappointed if I ever brought him home so I lie to her all the time about what I've been up to. I'd love to bring him over and have her meet him and support our relationship but all she ever talks about is how much she hate the opposite sex and I know she'll tell me I'm sacrificing who I am and I'm just bored and need to find a hobby rather than a man. At the dame time my boyfriend keeps pestering me about meeting my family but I would just rather him not. So here's my web of lies. They make me depressed. I thought since I wasn't working I could at least work out and get into shape but I'm just too overwhelmed with disappointment and failure to be motivated to. I sit in front of the computer constantly checking my email to see if I have a job offer waiting for me but all I ever get is rejection letters. I know everything will work out eventually and my unhappiness is largely due to my own actions but I feel like I've been swimming up stream for the last year and I'm just tired. | |
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Had a real problem finding a job and wound up swallowing my pride in July 2010 I was offered a "management trainee" position which wound up being a warehouse associate position for less than $8.hr after taxes. Then my grandfather had a stroke and I was forced to quit to take care of him, there was nobody else who could do it. Finally last April he died and I got a job driving a van under a really cool boss. Two months after I was hired the boss got fired. Then the brakes and tranny on the van blew and I literally had to ride management's ass to get it fixed. Long story short, they never fixed it and after a heated exchange between myself and my new manager, I was slowly but surely railroaded out of that job since they found an even more desperate asshole to drive an unsafe work vehicle. I left on "good terms" at the expense of claiming unemployment. The good reference letter I got from them is now useless since the GM was relocated and the other manager hates my guts. I should have just walked out after the first time they lied to me and collected for a good cause quit. At least I know my rights now.
A month later I go for a job interview with the CEO and Head Manager of a major website. They expected me to more than double their business over a years time. When I told them I expected a salary of at least $50k they laughed at me and sent me away. That was my last real job interview, almost six months later I have no income and my savings might only last me two more months. I went to a job fair three weeks ago and got laughed at by three separate company reps for daring to say that I'm good enough, I guess.
I spend at least 4 hours a day applying to jobs, networking, building my web persona, and let me tell you that you should feel fortunate that you at least get rejection letters. I usually get nothing.
Employers these days want employees to have no sense of self worth, who are willing to take constant verbal abuse and harassment for a hand to mouth wage, regardless of educational background. It won't be like this forever but I can honestly say that I wish I'd never gone back to college after dropping out in '06. All I can do is grin and bear it for as long as I can stand. Well, I gotta go pull over $700 out of savings to live in my childhood room for another month. Take it easy.
TROLLS
TROLLS
GET A LIFE BOTTOM FEEDER.
When you feel gratitude, you can't feel anything bad -- it's one of the most pure, happy emotions we have.
Try this. This sounds really silly, but it WORKS!
Go on you tube and look up Refugee Camps. Watch those videos. In a blink, your troubles are put into perspective.
Then take a moment and just be grateful for everything you have -- running water, food, living in the best country on Earth, no daily risk of death, rape. If you focus only on gratitude, watch what happens!
Being grateful is a choice. No matter what is happening, you can find something to be grateful about. That is the TRUE POWER you have. That is the SECRET TO HAPPINESS.
Try this. Get yourself super grateful, let that feeling take you over -- then go be with your friends. See what happens!! Try this with strangers. See what happens!!
Remember, people are like mirrors, they REFLECT what you are projecting. So if you hate yourself, they will pick up that vibe and bounce it back to you.
If you project gratitude, that pure beautiful universal emotion will bounce back at you!
Always remember for anything in life -- spend 20% of your energy on the problem, and 80% of your energy on the solution -- watch what happens to your life.
Always ask yourself -- "What is my next action?" Your brain will search for a solution.
Your brain's job is to answer your questions. So if you ask your brain a rhetorical question like "Why me?!" The only answer will be "You are cursed!" -- because that was the answer you were looking for -- yes?
WHAT YOU FOCUS ON IS YOUR REALITY.
It's time to investigate, face your issues, whatever they maybe. Focusing on wanting friendships is your unconscious need for a distraction from dealing with your repressed pain. People you are with feel the vibe, it's like a radio signal that you can't hide.
It's likely deep seeded self esteem issues (we all have them).
Be honest with yourself. Read books, or articles online, if seeking therapy is too scary. Self help books on self esteem.
Focus on the solution, don't dwell on the problem. Burning your energy on the problem will only lead to addiction to depression.
Deal with yourself first, and your true energy will attract and keep the person you deserve.
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