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I don't know what too think of my life. am i a horrible person?

Posted by hungryforeasternot at April 9, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Attitude  Sexuality

It's 4am and it's easter. I can't sleep and i dont even know how i got here. I read some stories and some got me a bit emotional i could relate too a few and it made me want to speak out. I'm 18, Male, gay I havent had the easiest childhood, but not the worst. I didnt know at the time but now i'm more than aware I don't think im totally right in the head. Me At the age of 8 or 9 my little neice must of been about 4 or 5? it's all abit blurry i have terrible memory she came onto me. my siters daughter! she kissed me i didnt know what too think at the time i didn't know it was wrong i remember trying to put my penis inside her, not even a inch in i panicked and didnt do anything nothing happenned from there. She wrote in her diary it was a normal day when i was 9 or so. I remember seeing my sister thinking everything was fine and saying Hey she didnt reply she looked at me with disgust my aunty was there, my dad my mum and my sister all sat on the sofas ready to confront me. Myself not having a clue what was going on i was so horribley upset i said yeh to doing it at the time i didnt know what i did or what happenned. Thats the moment where everything went wrong, i havent spoken to my sister in about 8 years now, god i miss the old times from what i remember i havent spoken to my neice either. I dont know how much of the family know i just dont like to think about it. I had to have several councilleing meetings my parents secretley set up and drove me too. I was so inexperienced about sex i remember the counciller asking, "Do you know what consentual sex is?" myself reply, " is that a form?" anyway that really screwed me over ive never been the same im not even sure if my niece remembers i missed a year of school almost i was never the same I think this also played a very big part in my sexuality and coming out gay, my dad is a very straight builder and against gays it didnt go too well. Needless to say hes changed alot now and were fine but back in the day he used too him me sometimes and also my mum. Skipping forward to 16 years old now. Left secondary aschool and moving to my first college with my best friend in september, at the time i met a "perfect" guy on facebook we met up and it was perfect i thought i was in love and i was. I dropped out of college in the month to move in with him. 4 months later the abuse begins to this day, the abuse continues we broke up over a year ago but im a bit of a punch bag i havent been the best boyfriend i cant help but too speak too cute guys online, there far away and harmless! but i just find it attractive. But hes had alot of issues and its just completley moving onto something different but he speaks to me like im dirt on his shoe sometimes and othertimes werre so good! He'd call me everything to make me feel bad, ugly, cunt, hydious, point out my imperfections he texted me 60 times in one day telling me to die telling me how worthless and shit my life is so I got so fed up and acted on impulse i bought and consumed a pack of 20 sleeping pills whilst on the phone to my best friend half an hour later not feeling so go it was all in all a horrific experience. I wasn't looking for a attention I guess i was just looking for an easy way out i suppose i'm not man enough to end my life. I don't want too but i'm a college drop out i failed all my gcses im almost a grand in debt i got so much rent to pay and i didnt even know it was possible but i'm addicted to weed and have been for the last two years since my ex. We would go through 400 quids worth in a month i can't even sleep without it, hence why im awake now two days sober. I'm not so much lonely but when i am i cant stand it and i go back to my ex, i have quite a few friends i wouldn't say im popular but im known around and everyone seems to like me. none know of the real me ofcourse no one does not even my ex who knows me the most Not to mention but since all of this has happenned i have horrible urges and terrible fantasies that im not proud of i dream of killing people its so vivid too not ? i have terrible sexual fantasies too of rape and killing innocents. What happenned too me? i was never this way. Once i was a pure child watch teletubbies and thomas the tank engine now look at myself. I'm not looking for a sympathy vote but ive never told anyone any of this crap! i'm just wanting to know peoples person opinions. Thankyou for reading, happy easter.


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By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 10:09

you need to butt rape your self, its the cure
By anonymous at 23,Apr,12 01:24

are u insane your just stupid with that comments

By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 18:13

I would find a doctor who listens. And only listens.

You just tell your whole and entire story. The doctor will start talking when you have finished. I'm sure this can be sorted out but I can't give you tips since this is the first time I've come across something like this.

Best of luck. I don't think you're a hopeless case :)

By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 18:41

thanks anon that means alot :)

By at 09,Apr,12 23:19

Hi, god I felt so bad for you reading that. I can only give you a personal opinion here but I don't think you're to blame for this or that you're some kind of terrible person.

In this day and age, especially in western countries sex can be a very taboo subject. What happened with you as a kid was a simple case of childish curiosity, which unfortunately your family seem to have demonised you for.

Take it from someone who was abused as a child, (which none of my family and very few of my friends are aware of) you're not a sexual predator, I doubt at that age you even really understood what sex was.

I think it left a lasting mark on you and I'm sure you felt it changed the dynamics of everything in your family and you must at times have doubted that you were loved.

When a person feels like that they often seek affection wherever they can find it and I guess that's what has lead you into a destructive relationship with your ex.

I know it may seem hard but you have to cut people like that out of your life because as long as he's there telling you all these negative things and treating you like crap you'll keep believing that it's as good as you can have or deserve which simply is not true.

If you can see a counselor mate then you should do it on your terms, make step by step changes in your life and you can really turn things around for yourself.

And please remember it wasn't you that stopped being a pure child it was your family that made you feel you weren't pure. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true, you were nothing more than a curious kid not some kind of sexual deviant.

As for your dreams, mate I can only imagine that you have a lot of pent up anger and that it's simply manifesting in your dreams. Talking to someone will help you deal with your anger and hopefully your bad dreams will lessen and eventually subside.

I hope that was of some help to you :)

By anonymous at 17,Apr,12 23:08

I just thought I would pitch in about your dreams or thoughts about killing/rape. I've had violent thoughts in the past during my more depressed times, and while people can easily judge stuff like that, I don't think that alone makes you a bad person. It's a representation of how much pain you are in. Rape thoughts can be about feeling powerless/gaining power through that.

Incidentally, if you want help (and I would recommend it very much of course) then go see your gp, tell them about these thoughts and you are more likely to get faster referral to couselling and medication than if you just say "I am so depressed".

You are young and anything can still happen , things can get so much better, but you need help so you can forgive yourself! You were just a kid back then, still are in many ways. You aren't bad just for thinking something. ACTIONS only can make a person evil.

By londonboy at 14,Apr,13 09:31

It's a real shame you were made to be the bad guy in all this, as quite clearly you've just not had a lot of support when having to deal with some heavy shit

I can't say my troubles compare, but I know what it's like to have disturbing thoughts and try to hide behind weed. I really thought it was a long-term solution for a while, that is until it started making me broke and depressed. Now I realise that it doesn't help much at all really, it just postpones the pain for later.

Stay strong, and if you ever feel like more than a vent (like a conversation) then let me know

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