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untitled story

Posted by anonymous at March 19, 2012
Tags: 2012 March  Sexuality

I'm transgendered.
I live in fear of judgement and discrimination.
Though things have improved, my self image is consistently poor and I can't see what my friends try to tell me they see.
I can't find work, I have no money, I have no confidence and sometimes I wonder if I have any friends.
My life isn't as bad as a lot of others here - heck my life has improved. but in reality, what happiness I've had has just been due to a relative shift in my life. It still sucks, but it used to be hell.
How does one find love when they are faced with a dilemma of keeping a lie or risking losing everything by revealing a secret.
I don't have any physical attraction anyway due to my own inhibitions due to my own hatred of my genitals, but I seek love and don't have much hope in finding it.
Some days are really happy, when things go right. But on others, I feel very alone.
I feel sorry for these people going through far more morbid issues on this website. I've been there too, but that's in my past now. My childhood was littered with thoughts of self harm and desperate attempts to fix myself. I'd cry every time my dreams disintegrated in the morning. I'd wish every secondof every day that things would change, and fight my own hatred to keep myself both alive and intact, hoping these feelings would go away as I matured - that I would become normal.

While this is in the past, it still scars me. I wish I had a normal childhood, and I wish I could relive that through caring for my own children, but unfortunately, I can't have kids - despite my longing.


New Comment

By anonymous at 20,Mar,12 13:33

Hey, you are who you are. And life is about fighting. So do just what you are doing. Never give up. It all sounds cliche and you heard it all before. But I think it's the truth. You are beautiful and do not care about what some non informed person thinks of you. It doesn't matter. If only I could really make you understand. At least, I hope this will mean something to you, that there is a person in the world who really wishes you all the best. No matter who you are and what you look like, or what you did and how you became what you became, you are an awesome person. You deserve love, and you go and fight for it. And for everything else because you deserve it. So just be strong.
All the best!

By Truth at 20,Mar,12 22:32

Maybe you shouldn't have chopped your cock off? Or maybe you should have kept your bajinko just the way it was? Fucking "transgendered"....dumbest concept ever. I'd love to kick you in the nuts so hard your dad would keel over, but alas, you cut em off. Shitweasel
By anonymous at 10,Apr,12 20:26

You are nothing but a bigoted basted FUCK YOU!!!

By anonymous at 21,Mar,12 00:28

Shut the fuck up Truth, because you sound like an retarded bastard that just got off your moms breast milk. Anonymous don't listen to anyone your are normal and people should love you no mater what you are, as long you are a good loving person and be kind to yourself.
By Truth at 21,Mar,12 14:44

clearly, it's 4:20 where you are....nigger
By anonymous at 22,Mar,12 13:33

I feel sorry for you I think you are hurting also and just cope with it a wrong way. nobody who doesn't hurt would do this sort of thing. So people don't judge him. Poor thing.

By at 21,Mar,12 13:23

Hey there. I wish you had mentioned where you live, because I would bet it's not a very progressive place. If I am right on that, you need to move. It sounds like you had a rough childhood, and you have never received the support you need and DESERVE - and let's face it, we all need support sometimes, but people who are in the minority in terms of sexual identity need much more support because of the cruel, backwards, and judgemental world we live in. But there are people who care.

You need to get out of whatever backwards place you are in. Move to San Francisco or New York or London or Berlin or whatever large city is progressive on such matters. You will find hundreds of people just like you. You will realize there are loving and vibrant communtiies of people who are just like you AND that in progressive places even the people not like you won't bat an eye (I am a straight white male, but I live in San Francisco and have plenty of gay friends, and one post-op tranny friend. Nothing wierd about it).

You need to be somewhere where you can learn to love yourself and get the love from others that you are ENTITLED to and DESERVE. Leave your hurtful past behind.

By at 22,Mar,12 19:17

dont sweat it i dont feel like agril most day but i get thorw stick it out you will find someone =)

By anonymous at 23,Apr,12 01:45

I love you =)

By anonymous at 13,Jul,12 09:02

You rock. Being trans sure isn't easy but you inspire me to keep living.

By anonymous at 13,Sep,12 17:07

Ur f*cked up. Transgender piece of sh*t

By anonymous at 16,Apr,13 10:38

Unfortunately we cant do anything about our childhoods. You should embrace yourself and learn to be happy with who you really are. There are people who accept you just as you are. I am one of those people. I understand your frustrations and the pain you are going through. Hang in there, i am sure you are beautiful, and others see you this way. Xo

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