Heres my life in a nutshell. Grew up in an upper middle class home with an insane father and a mother who never shut up. My life was pretty normal I guess until I got to middle school, one day my friend Brandon was in class looking at a porno magazine and I was winking at him mimicking jerking off until some fat red headed bitch who sat next to me said hey "this kid is jerking off!"
From that point from 7th grade to 12th grade I was known as the kid who got caught jerking off in class. I used to watch these columbine kids kill their teachers and peers and get pissed that they were such pussys to do it and here my life is so much worse and I don't do shit. I got beat up and teased every day, do you know what its like to be introduced with "Hey, aren't you the kid who got caught jerking off in class?" With every person I met from age 11-19... So high school was hell I hid I cried I was fat I was ugly I wanted to melt, die, kill myself, something.
Then I graduated high school chain smoked and drank diet soda, lost weight realized i was actually really good-looking except for my underbite, got a chin implant became cute didn't know how to deal with it been dating a great girl for 6 years that I treat like shit because I'm miserable.
So heres where I am now
I'm a genius and no one knows it
The only thing I've ever been good at is Starcraft.
I'm addicted to opiates, suboxone, and benzos and withdrawl every fucking day.
I have OCD so I can never sleep or live a normal life,I also have ADD as well, so for those of you who bitch about having ADD stfu OCD is way worse.
And I guess the worst of all is my PTSD i developed from having several encounters with a demon growling in my face and fun stuff like that. Forever I will never sleep and remember those beautiful yellow eyes and that wolf like scream torturing me forever and ever.... and did I mention I'm in love with someone I'll never have? No point getting into that story because thats 90% of men. I'm a fucking loser and I wish I was dead. | |
don't let those bullies dictate your entire life. it's over and being angry about that and still holding onto that after so many years means that the bullying has never stopped and you're giving those people power over you. now, do you want to do that? don't think about them cuz what does that really? help you out in any way? no, it just means that the bullying has not stopped. let them get theirs and start fresh, anew. you're not that kid anymore.
So when I was 10 years old or however old I was in fourth grade, a skunk got caught in our basement. We lived in an old, haunted, farmhouse. Somehow the damn thing made it's way into the canning cellar and we couldn't get it out. The entire house reeked of skunk. Clothes, hair, you name it- it was pretty potent. So much so, that when I got on the bus, no-one wanted to sit by me. When I got to school, the entire classroom was whispering and holding their noses. It took a month or two, for the smell to go away. My dad tried to lure it away with peanut butter on a board out the window- nope. Then some bright minded local yokel told my dad if he shot the skunk between the eyes, it would die without spraying. Um, it's a myth kids. That thing sprayed it's stuff life the re was no tomorrow!!!!
So I guess my moral of my story is-
"When life smells like shit- don't worry, because it will eventually fade away"
Anyhow, life will get better. And you've got a lot of fun loving depressed, ADD, OCD, addicted, alcoholic, suicidal's rooting for you-
Cursed
Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your hardships. There is a light out of the tunnel.
Brian welch, ex guitarist for Korn was addicted to meth, when he accepted christ he was set free form his addiction. youtube.com/watch?v=Kf5WYigZHME
There are many stories like his.
Jesus can change you. He can free you and give you a new life. Take him at his words.
Peace
Guess what? There are other people out there, decent people, people you will like who will like you and treat you well. Hang on and you will find them. High school and middle school and all that will eventually fade in your memory as you go on to a happy adult life. This is temporary, and it will pass.
Yeah, I know you don't believe me, but I'm telling you, it gets better. A LOT better.
My suggestion? Remember how little and insignificant you are, and let that feeling flow through you. It's freeing and loving and kind once you have the right perspective. And if you're lucky, you'll come to see that the only thing that gives your life value are those around you. As fucked up and irrational and mysterious as that is, it's true. You just have to become properly insane to see it.
At the risk of sounding ridiculous, I love you. I don't know you and I realize it sounds stupid, but I love you. And that's why in my own addicted head, with all of the loss and disappointment and mediocrity that I've dealt with in my life, I'm finally happy.
Because I realized that you and I and the stars are all the same, and we are nothing. It's beautiful.
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