I'm 40 years old. 10 years ago I sat in my car in the garage and turned it on. I closed my eyes. I saw visions of my 4 year old nephew and my infant niece. I cried, turned the car off and went to my bed. All I wanted was a nice girl to lay next too. To share conversation. The lonliness was to much. The pain was physical now. I got on medications. Wellbutrin, Effexcor, etc. etc. All had side effects. The only thing that helps was Cannibus. Its natural but illegal and I cant afford it. So for 10 years now I have done the same thing over and over. I wake up, unhappy to be alive. I stay in bed as long as i can untill I have to wander out. I try to entertain myself on the computer. On the weekends my neice and nephew visit. They are so full of energy. I dont feel worthy of the love and friendship. I want this pain to end so bad but I cant transfer it on to them. So most days i spend it curled up in a ball on my bed. Angry at the world. The media, the politicians. The greed. I cant wait to be dead. Forever peace. I wake up at night sometimes and feel real close to it. A strong sense of mortality. It is very vast. Kinda scary. When I was a kid i was a good kid. I was bullied, picked on but whatever. I would stand up for others if I could. When someone made fun of someone else I would think "why are people mean like that?" Its true what they say, "nice guys finish last" | |
Look here, first of all, it's cannabis, which is the actual plant name for people who are smart, which would NOT include you so just call it what it is, dope. Pot, brownie, weed, cabacha, herb superb,head fuck,joe don bakehead.
You like to smoke it, right? makes you feel better? Yep! Well, guess what you moronic jackass, it's a plant, or, "natural" as you put it. If you'd have looked at the contents of the joint, or the bag it came from, you'd have found this miraculous thing that plants make called a fucking "SEED". If you put that in dirt, and water or pee on it daily, it'll grow into your very own free POT PLANT!!!
You could wake and bake every morning, for free, and then the world wouldn't have to put up with your insufferable whining about shit you made up in your own head.
My god I want to put on a rug layers boot and kick you so hard in the crotch that even your father's sperms die. Then, I'd like to beat you nearly to death with an overripe pineapple and then dump old orange juice all over you and open your front door so thousands of mice can come in and lick it off of you and give you the rabies.
suck it up, and quit being such a bitch, Steve.
So glad that you didn't go through with carbon monoxide poisoning. They say you fall asleep, but still, my car burns oil, and it smells like shit-
Anyway, thank goodness for your nephew and niece. Imagine if you had actually killed yourself, they would have never known their uncle...
Smoking weed- well, I smoke it everyday when I get home from work. It's way better for you than alcohol and should be legal. Truth does have a good insight as to starting to grow your own- then you wouldn't have to pay for it...
But as one depressed person to another- what you really need is a support network.
Friends, family (which you are fortunate to have) and hobbies- outlets where you can meet people who have the same interests...
The routine you are in, is easy and comfortable, but it isn't helping you with your depression. If you can't take prescription meds, try natural homeopathic supplements-
Boost your immune system, get out and exercise, and meet people- even if it's scary...
It is amazing how much better you feel- just talking about your problems, and having someone listen.
Everyone wants to tell their story- but nobody wants to listen.
Wishing you luck- and positive thoughts!!
You are alive.
And other than being depressed- you have your health. So be thankful for that!
Cursed
God uses the weak, the powerless, the hurt, the poor, and the lonely in GREAT ways. Heres a illustration: A potter will take a helpless, lifeless lump of clay and then knead it and squeeze it until it's soft and pliable. And then when he gets it just right, he takes that piece of clay and he does something called throwing, where he places the clay on a spinning table.
As that clay is placed upon that turning wheel, the potter's hands then begin to pressure the clay and work it until he makes something beautiful out of that old ugly piece of clay.
God sometimes uses suffering to mold us, to make us turn to him, to convict us of sin, he has his reasons. Also understand that we live in a sinful broken world, our hope shouldn't be in this world but in Jesus and heaven. Without Jesus we will never be satisfied in this life. Life on earth compared to eternity is like the blink of an eye.
Jesus knows your pain, because he went through all the different pains possible when he was tortured and then nailed to a cross. He layed down his life for me and you, so that we can have eternal life in heaven. All we have to do is accept him as our lord and savior and ask for forgiveness for our sin. Jesus loves you with love that cant be compared, he loves you so much that he died for you. He can change you. He changes people every single day. You can say that one of his job descriptions is "Life Changer". He knows your trouble, he cares for you, and he wants you to know him. He will comfort us when there seems to be no comfort available. He is our friend when everyone else seems to not care, he provides for us when we are without, and he gives us strength when we are weak. He washes away all our sin when we have lived sinfilled lives. He is offering the gift of everlasting life in heaven free of charge, its your choice whether you accept his offer.
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