I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't control my mania. i have feeling that i am evil a lot though i always do or try to do the right thing in regards to not stealing, making myself helpful to people in need. i am not the most thoughtful person but try to be. I just dont understand why i have these fits. I live with my brother i think he is mentally abusive as well as a kind guy to me. 1/2 the time he tells me how i should live, whats wrong in my life etc, without giving me time to speak. he aggs me on and will follow me around the house where i can't avoid it and end up exploding. I always end up the bad guy in our family. what is wrong with me. i end up wanting to die. this hurts my mother a lot. I feel worse. I can't control how i feel about my life. I need to move out of my parents home, trying to save the money and i believe life will get better. Why can't it be now i try meditating, yoga, praying, life gets better for a week and then i explode. What can i do. i feel socially inadequate as well often wanting to straight up avoid seeing or speaking to people even my co-workers.
I often want to tell my father im not in the mood to talk, but thats rude to do, but i still tell him. is it that rude? I know once he passes I''ll wish i could hear his hour long stories that should only take 5 minutes, but i don't now, and this causes an angry feeling in me. I sometimes tell him i don't want to conversate, sometimes i just listen. Am i evil, i know im bitchy and unhappy.