I'd rather be anyone but myself. I am desperate to be perceived differently, but somehow I'm always labelled as the complete opposite of what I would like to be seen as. I have an addiction to self-harm; the marks where I have carved my skin litter my arms and legs. Its the only way I feel other people can begin to gain an idea of the pain going on psychologically. As you may have guessed I do not form friendships - I cannot trust another human being, which is made worse by the fact that I am excruciatingly lonely, and need other peoples support to survive.
I feel painfully isolated the entire time, whether I'm alone or in a crowded room. I rely on other peoples validation to get me through the day, however I know no one will ever truely love a loser like me who hates herself so much. I feel like I almost have two alternate personalities - one who can get barely by on a day to day basis, and another who is a manic depressive with psychotic thoughts driving the other to the brink of insanity. For example, my father is an abusive alcoholic physically, verbally, sexually. But the rare days I do see him sober, he is a completely different person. One side of me at least tries to see the good in him - the other simply cannot differentiate between his two sides, and often has thoughts of harming him and sometimes worse. When I am not burning inside due to pain and frustration I am numb. I feel nothing. I am a walking empty shell, with no meaning or purpose in life.