Born into a highly dysfunctional family. My mother told me one day dring an argumentthat my fahter raped her - that was how she becoame pregnant with me. She remarried - Al the pedophile. He tried to rape me when I was tweleve. Thing he was piddling arond earlier than that - do notremember mostthings that occurered between the ages of 8 to 10. Mother packed my bags at12 - went to live with my grandmother, who really did not want to take care of me - lockedout of the apartmentmost of the time - she did notwant that landlord to know I was living there (if that is what you want to call it) afraid the landlord would raise her rent. Throw out at15 - on the streets in NYC. Lived whereever I could find a place. Accosted by several girlfriends father's. Depressed most of my life. Found "God" what a fucking joke that was. Stayed with a crazy fucking crack head - thought God was in it and he was going to heal and save my ex. Finally gave up on that pipe dream, called an attorney - made an appointment to get divorced - wound up pregnant instead. Long painful story of lies, crack, stealing, violence and abuse by the hand of the asshole sperm donor. Make a long story short, I now have lost my child - he is in foster care. The sperm donor is with the 24 year old - who is so crazy - she thinks he is the best thing that ever happened to her. He probably is. Where's God? Sleeping, I guess. But he loves me. Right!!!!
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Do you have a high school degree? If not get a GED and from there get some additional job training.
I think you need to start focusing on spending time on YOURSELF. You sound like a tough cookie who can pull herself up by her bootstraps and make something of herself. Forget about the bad things people have done to you or else it will be a never-ending anchor around your neck. Watch out for idiots like them as you move forward. Use your instincts.
Don't lose faith in God. He's there even when he seems invisible...even for long stretches. Remember that God is supreme and doesn't bow to ANYONE...regardless of the amount of our suffering as described in the Book of Job. We have to bow to Him. I believe He will see you through this as you decide to take a majorly active role in improving your situation.
You really do seem like someone who can succeed to me. Focus your efforts on yourself and nobody else until you achieve what you want. If you succeed in helping yourself, you can help your child.
-Jimi
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