My life sucks.
The only times when I feel alright, when I feel like life is worth living, is when I'm high. It's like being in love. I'm a drug addict, but my addiction is only a pathetic attempt to cure what's really wrong with me. I need to fill a hole inside of me.
I can't process emotions when I'm clean. If a pretty girl is into me I'll think about making the move, shit I'll even get a boner, but I never will. I like to torture myself. I need to torture myself. If someone complements me I feel like telling them to fuck off. I don't need your approval. I don't care about my talents. All I need is $20 and maybe a hooker because I'm so fucking lonely. If someone smiles at me the best I can manage is a grimace. Smiling, nevermind feeling happy, is a physical and emotional struggle for me in the best of times. I day dream about getting high and manipulating my loved ones on a regular basis. Even in church I am haunted by my demons. The best of times for me are the worst of times for me. The worst of times are.........the best of times? Someone fucking silence me please.
That probably explains why I started I.V.'ing drugs at 21. Talk about making shit the worst of times. Previous to that I went through rehab at 19 for hard drugs, did AA and Na, met people in sobriety, blah blah blah. The recovery scene seems like a freak cult to me. But I know it really does help some people. But it isn't helping me yet. Like I said, I like to torture myself. They should send my ass over to Guantanamo bay. They ain't seen nothing yet.
I'm not afraid of dying. What I'm really afraid of is living like this for the rest of my life. I wouldn't really feel bad about my loved ones if I killed myself because...I WOULD BE DEAD. Everyone seems to leave that dirty little secret out when they talk about suicide. Will they really still be here when I'm gone? Will anything?
I feel like I should tell some kind of joke now to lighten the mood.
--"My life"
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I'm not afraid of dying but dying painfully is something I'd rather avoid.
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