I've read quite a few of these stories. Mine, overall, does not compare to any extent to many on here. Life and the experiences in it are relative, however, are they not? The extent of one's misery seems proportional to the extent toward which one is effected by the situation they find themselves in. For this reason, it is said that many a very spiritual person can overcome the kind of calamities that would certainly befall and overwhelm most others. They have learned how to rise above and beyond the trifles which others are claimed by.
I wouldn't, again, imagine that my situation would come across as "oh so calamatous" to too many people. As I continue to take stock in my life up to this point, however, I continue to find myself saying and feeling, "This sucks. Man, my life sucks. This has NOT turned out all that great." I guess the good thing about this is that it has definitely decreased whatever fear of death I may have had to a great extent. At this point - and as really has been the case for many, many years now - I look very much forward to it; often openly fantasizing about it.
My problems, as is the case with many, simply stem from love - or, rather, lack of it. Well, love in the "significant other" sense. I make this distinction because love in the significant other sense is, I admit, a specific kind of love that can, but does not necessarily have to include religious or overt spirituality. I digress in mentioning this, however.
When I was fourteen and in the 10th grade, I fell very deeply in love with a girl who, after a few weeks, dumped me unceremoniously. I was morbidly and consumately depressed over this, for I am a pretty committed person, and once I give myself, it tends to be a very serious thing. The next two plus years all the way through graduation was an obsessive compulsive inward turning toward darkness.
Another year or two and a few less than stellar girlfriends later, I finally found the woman that caused me to fall so head over heels for her that the previous heartbreak I just mentioned became all but completely forgotten (a good thing given that it had already been three plus years). I was in seventh heaven, as they say. I cried tears of joy, thanking God for finally blessing me with my soulmate - the woman I was meant to/supposed to be with and spend the rest of my life with.
. . . then I found out she got pregnant by somebody else.
This, needless to say, killed me spiritually and psychologically . . . in many, many ways. I am still, over a decade later, very much emotionally scarred from this.
It is a terrible, terrible state of existence, it feels, when I look at my life and, next to this horrendous and nightmarish situation I just described, have to admit that what seems to be the most complete level of mutual, paraplatonic love that I've ever experienced in this life has come at the hands of an adulterous affair I had with a married mother of three - fourteen years my senior.
I've thought, sometimes, that this earthly existence, for some of us, is indeed hell - is indeed purgatory.
This planet is a prison for some of us. It seems it's where we pay for the crimes and indiscretions we committed in previous incarnations.
I know I am not as disadvantaged as many of the other poor souls on here and throughout the earth, but I certainly feel down and out.
Thank you for letting me impart. | |
New Comment