I'm 21 years old, I have been employed roughly 3 months out of the last 4 years. Today at 10:27am I was overtaken by fear, and my plan to go job hunting wich hours ago was coupled with enthusiasm and anticipation is now wrought by despair and in serious doubt. This has happened more than a few times before. I make solid plans to look for work but now as always I start worrying about what people will think of me and it's unsettling, discomforting even disturbing. My best guess is that my deep seated fear is a result of being routinely terrorized by my father while still a very young child. I've been in some sort of traumatized stupor for my entire life. Now I just feel like the wax coating on a roll of cheese; a plastic shell D:
I suppose it's a moral weakness that keeps me in the same old slump. I think that maybe when ones family lets them down they cease to give anyone else the chance. the only deep relationships I'v had are the first ones. I only ever got close to my family, people who have hurt me trumendously. I live a bitter, lonely terribly painful life with no respite. I am nothing in life, I know no one. and worse still, the entire city knows that I'm a nutty fuck-tard. I've made that very clear with a lifetime of odball behavior and five years filled with the crem de la creme of neurotic, narcissitic, depraved ramblings, complaints over the top screams and crazed writings that I've posted on facebook and emailed/fb to people. It's literally a nightmare, It's me sitting here in my tiny room alone for years, dying of sorrow and anguish and regret. | |
fuck off
stop spying on me
i don't want to be watched
there are people who remotely access my pc
i scanned my story like 3 times and i missed the part at the end where i said that
yea its hell.
today i tried to go out again
i overdress to the extreme because im insecure so i start sweating and just cook. was supposed to apply for another job today,
cant do it because i went outside just to walk around the block and was probably seen by 300-500 people
It drives me up the wall to be walking on the sidewalk, with so many people passing by and I'm terrified that they all know about my past,
I cant take the bus
and cant bike
it doesn't even matter
i don't have any appropriate shirts to take to a on the spot interview.
I'm sorry to hear that you have had a similar experience in life
Ya my father is just some religious nut asshole who never got along with anyone his whole life and my family life was hell growing up and I quickly became a very strange person with fucked up thought patterns and processes
I'm trying to get on welfare, or something so i can at least pay rent for a while anyways and not be a total parasite
I worry that I will never be able to function normally
that i will never fit in
never be happy
I piss away all night, sleep all day. I've been watching videos on exit bags and such helium suicide hoods. this life isn't worth the pain.
I cant just hope that things will get better when they wont, and continue to suffer
but i cant go outside
see I'm torn up because i really want a better life but i am powerless to have one because I'm not right in the head.
may you find peace
New Comment