I suppose in the last 10 years of my life, during numerous hard times, the one thing that has kept me going is the idea: 'things will get better'. Put simply, they just havent.
I see a lot of solutions put forward by people on this site and elsewhere, and know that i have tried many. Religion, Diet, Exercise, Drugs, Natural Therapies, Natural Substances, Change of Routine, Counselling, Positive Outlook, Charity Work Keeping Busy, blah blah i could go on. None of them have proven to be a solution.
Right now, i should be peaking in life. Im 24 and probably at my physical and mental best. Ive learned much in these last 10 years, become stronger, smarter, more aware, more independent, more skillfull, wealthier, but my will to go on with this life is waning.
My motivation, self confidence, happiness, and hopes of a bright future all disappeared years ago and never looked like coming back. All that is left now is anxiety and depression, a vicous cycle of the two. This has also lead to various other health implications. It should go without saying that ive never had a close relationship with anyone in my entire life.
Spending so much time alone as i do, for what seems like forever ive asked questions, am i different somehow? is there something medically wrong with me? (Not that i know of) why do other people socialise and fit in and pick up things so easily? Why am i excluded? How are people so happy with their lot? Dont they see all their imperfections and all the problems in the world?
Ive always been reasonably intelligent, Im not an unattractive guy (never have been), I am from a lower / middle class family that whilst isnt ideal or has been good to me, isnt by any means broken, living in a country that is supposedly lucky, but for as long as i can remember, my existence has been a struggle, with happy times few and far between, and recently, virtually non existent. My thoughts and dreams are dark and sinister.
I wont go too much into the history of it all, ive said and written it all before, in regards to circumstance. We dont get to choose who we are born to, when, and where and why, just doing the best we can. As it stands, we are destroying the planet, the wealthier you are the less you probably care, technology is expanding too rapidly for its own good, and you would think that the smartest people should be in charge of our countries? But no, just another popularity contest.
So that leaves me now. With my ever growing lack of belief, surely just ending it as soon as my family are no longer around to know. Living for them really, knowing that whilst it would bring me to peace, and maybe them as well to a small extent, that it would be a painful time for them if i was to go through with the so called selfish act.
This despite them not always being there for me, never showing any real sign of encouragement or affection (possibly why i have such a hard time dealing with others), being blatantly selfish and self centered to top it off. What really gets to me though, is that they seem to be able to identify and even help people with lesser problems with whom they barely know, but their own son? Not a fucking clue.
I mean shit, with all the problems i have. i try to help others even more than most people would. If someone asks for my help ill go beyond what it is expected of me, and not for reward or praise, but because it feels like the right thing to do. But where has that got me so far in life? Alone, unappreciated, stepped over, mocked, less successful than i may have otherwise been?
Most of the people i come across in my current environment and every day activities, would kick you to the ground if given half the chance, just to get a little ahead. This is one of those things ive learnt so quickly these past few years, that you have to fight, or else people will keep taking as much as they can from you. Genuine, honest people with no ties or selfish motives are incredibly difficult to find.
Yes i understand the irony of some of the things i have said, better than most, and you may think i have contradicted myself in parts, but i can tell you its not the case, if you do read, read it carefully, and then make up your own mind, i hope for once im not misunderstood.
I wish you well on your own journeys, i dont wish mine upon anyone | |
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on. :)
i know the post was very self indulgent,
but i guess thats part of the point of this site,
it allows you to vent those frustrations to a wider audience that would otherwise not see people's problems.
For those saying 'kill yourself' and so on, good luck to you, i mean surely you havent read what i have written then, because otherwise you would know that ive been through a lot and a few random comments (which may or may not be intended as real)are about as significant as a drop in the ocean.
But if you have read it properly, then you surely have more screws loose than me. But look, as i said, ive had evil and sinister thoughts myself (including about others), they actually come and go each day. If it makes you feel better to write random stuff on this page, then go for it. Thats the point. It wont change my mind either way, whatever you write. Your probably a lot like me at the end of the day. I confess to have written and said and done some hateful things in my time.
I just hope though that one of you doesnt make the mistake of posting a similar comment to someone a little more desperate, or sensitive, with skin not as thick and a kinder more open heart than my own. Because you would not want to be responsible for them hurting themselves would you? Say a teenager going through a hard time? (You probably would have seen on the news and stuff all those schoolkids killing themselves over hate they had received.) If you do feel that way though, seek help! You know you have a problem, probably worse than mine.
Anyway, thats the last ill mention of it, as i said appreciation goes out to those who have thought about what they have said, particularly a very smart 20 year old.
i did in fact do the test a few years ago, and it turned out to be the rarest one.
I, myself, for quite sometime have thought that there was
something wrong with me. Until I took that test and found out
that I made up only 25% of the worlds pop. So now, whenever
I get caught up in feeling like an outcast, I remind myself that
I am those who are of a rare breed and that it's ok to feel things
greatly and deeply. Hope this helps your journey.
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