I’m so sick of waking up to feel like this. I go to sleep feeling great but awake like this… cape codders and Bud heavy must drain the life out of me while I sleep. The only way to feel better is start the entire process over again. I’m sick of this cycle but I have to get up. I dawn my utilies, half polished boots, and ball cap. I say I wear this uniform with pride but certainly don’t look like it.
I feel too shitty for a beer this morning so I reach for a couple wine coolers. I drink them quickly while I shower and brush my teeth. People are starting to realize that I smell like booze every morning which led me to no choice but to start showering in the morning before work. I’m being quiet thought out this whole process because I don’t want to wake my roommate. For fucks sakes it’s only ten pass 0500.
I get to morning muster a few minutes early and chat about the night before, these are the convo’s I hate the most because its when I realize I have no clue what goes on after 2000 (8pm) most nights. It’s a blessing I make it back to the barracks with out getting in trouble I say to myself. Sometimes I’ll hear stories of what my friends will call crazy or funny. In reality there’s nothing funny about these antics, just small steps toured alcoholism.
Today is a different day though; I’m going over Darians house after work. We started talking a few weeks ago but I’m starting too really like her. She’s some what of a savoir because the days and nights I spend with her kept me from drinking, Even though it doesn’t always stop me. We’re only in the early stages of a relationship but she’s filling a void the navy stole from me.
At lunch time I skip chow so I can take a quick nap hoping it will remove the bags out from underneath my eyes. When I wake up I pack a bag for the night and smoke a cigarette on my way back to work. I’m anxious all afternoon because it will be the first real time staying over. I’m taking her out to a restaurant up the street from her house she keeps telling me she loves when we go by it. I plan on asking her to be my girlfriend tonight, if she says yes she will be my first legit girlfriend. I’m also at the point that I’m so sick of “partying” that having a girl would be awesome. (I actually stopped partying awhile back now I’m just drinking and using the “party” word as an excuse).
Towards the end of the work day my buddy Ivan tells me that we’re all drinking in his room tonight. I tell him no I can’t cause of my dinner date with Darian tonight. This being the first time I have said no to drinking since my arrival in California a few months back, a couple people give me shit. I don’t give a fuck what they think though because I knew I’m about to have a better night then all of them. The real reason I feel so good about saying no is because I’m actually choosing something over getting drunk. In my alcohol clouded brain this makes me think that I def don’t have problem drinking and that everything is ok.
(Four months later)… In reality my alcohol abuse isn’t ok. I’m three months into being completely in love and still drink way more then any 19 year old should. I ask my self “why the fuck cant I get out of this stage of my life” I have everything basically laid out in front of me, and I choose to piss it all down a toilet in a half million dollar California beach front condominium.
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