I'm 53 years old and have been alone and lonely all of my life. At this point, I can't really wring much emotion out of myself. My life sucks, but I can no longer even work up much sadness about it. Starting when I was in kindergarten, no kids wanted anything to do with me ... if I tried to join in with some kids and play, they would immediately disperse. When we picked teams in gym, I was always the last one that no one had picked, and then the two teams fought over who had to get stuck with me. I started falling in love with girls when I was only 5 or 6 years old, but never experienced any affection in return. I started using drugs to deal with the pain when I was 12 years old; I was psychologically addicted immediately and physically addicted a few years later. I was in my third year of college before I had my first girlfriend, but she didn't really want to be with me, cheated on me all the time, etc., but I wouldn't let her go. When I was 25, I finally met someone I loved and who loved me back. We lived together for a year and a half, and this period is the only concept of happiness that I have. But finally, she made me choose between drugs and her, and, although I really, really wanted to stay with her, I proved unable to stop taking drugs despite trying over and over and over again.
There was a complete absence of touch in my life, and I had incredible "skin hunger." I went to college and it wasn't until my last year that I so much as held a girl's hand. When I was 30 I married someone I'd known all my life, just because I knew she'd be with anyone and I thought I'd be alone forever otherwise. We had two kids, who are the only reason I stay alive, and then she divorced me for no particular reason. I went into a tailspin, ended up on heroin and then methadone, then I lost my job, my money, my home, and everything else and became homeless. After 3 years I managed to get disability. Now I live alone in a little apartment, I have no car or even liscense, there is nothing in walking distance from here. I don't know anyone, have no friends, do nothing at all every day. I had a massive heart attack and open heart surgery about a year and a half ago, and I have severe chronic pain from diabetic neuropathy. I must take 20 different medications every day. I gave up getting high because it's just pointless, I can't get any pleasure or even relief from it anymore. I think of life as a forced march and death as the "finish line," and the possibility that it could be another 30 years until I die fills me with hopelessness and despair.
Other than seeing my kids, there is absolutely nothing in life that I get any pleasure out of. Long, long ago I realized that I would always be alone and gave up any hope of love or companionship in my life. I wake up every morning and my first thought is, "Dammit, I'm still here." I am just in a warehouse awaiting death, and my only consolation is that I must be more than halfway there already. Now, my beloved daughter is starting to fall into dope addiction, I guess it's in the genes, and there is nothing I can to do help her. I put a lot of value on intellect, but my ex-wife did not, and neither of my kids has any interest in college (my daughter did even finish high school, her mom signed the papers without even letting me know). Life is so hard, so dead, so empty; the world is so cold and so mean.
Sorry for whining, but it seems nice to finally be able to say this stuff, even though I'm just saying it into the vacuum of cyberspace.