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An empty, dead life

Posted by anonymous at April 5, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Attitude  Loneliness

I'm 53 years old and have been alone and lonely all of my life. At this point, I can't really wring much emotion out of myself. My life sucks, but I can no longer even work up much sadness about it. Starting when I was in kindergarten, no kids wanted anything to do with me ... if I tried to join in with some kids and play, they would immediately disperse. When we picked teams in gym, I was always the last one that no one had picked, and then the two teams fought over who had to get stuck with me. I started falling in love with girls when I was only 5 or 6 years old, but never experienced any affection in return. I started using drugs to deal with the pain when I was 12 years old; I was psychologically addicted immediately and physically addicted a few years later. I was in my third year of college before I had my first girlfriend, but she didn't really want to be with me, cheated on me all the time, etc., but I wouldn't let her go. When I was 25, I finally met someone I loved and who loved me back. We lived together for a year and a half, and this period is the only concept of happiness that I have. But finally, she made me choose between drugs and her, and, although I really, really wanted to stay with her, I proved unable to stop taking drugs despite trying over and over and over again.

There was a complete absence of touch in my life, and I had incredible "skin hunger." I went to college and it wasn't until my last year that I so much as held a girl's hand. When I was 30 I married someone I'd known all my life, just because I knew she'd be with anyone and I thought I'd be alone forever otherwise. We had two kids, who are the only reason I stay alive, and then she divorced me for no particular reason. I went into a tailspin, ended up on heroin and then methadone, then I lost my job, my money, my home, and everything else and became homeless. After 3 years I managed to get disability. Now I live alone in a little apartment, I have no car or even liscense, there is nothing in walking distance from here. I don't know anyone, have no friends, do nothing at all every day. I had a massive heart attack and open heart surgery about a year and a half ago, and I have severe chronic pain from diabetic neuropathy. I must take 20 different medications every day. I gave up getting high because it's just pointless, I can't get any pleasure or even relief from it anymore. I think of life as a forced march and death as the "finish line," and the possibility that it could be another 30 years until I die fills me with hopelessness and despair.

Other than seeing my kids, there is absolutely nothing in life that I get any pleasure out of. Long, long ago I realized that I would always be alone and gave up any hope of love or companionship in my life. I wake up every morning and my first thought is, "Dammit, I'm still here." I am just in a warehouse awaiting death, and my only consolation is that I must be more than halfway there already. Now, my beloved daughter is starting to fall into dope addiction, I guess it's in the genes, and there is nothing I can to do help her. I put a lot of value on intellect, but my ex-wife did not, and neither of my kids has any interest in college (my daughter did even finish high school, her mom signed the papers without even letting me know). Life is so hard, so dead, so empty; the world is so cold and so mean.

Sorry for whining, but it seems nice to finally be able to say this stuff, even though I'm just saying it into the vacuum of cyberspace.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 05,Apr,12 21:41

sorry to say, but one wrong decision really ruin your life.
If you are so scare about being "lonely", why you choose drug the first place?

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 01:59

hey man. i feel for you. maybe you should start this: stare at the sun 10 minutes before it sets each night OR just after it rises. there is a reason why you're still here in the state you are. you're important. as in a machine, there is no one part no matter how small or big that isn't necessary.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 02:14

The drugs were your downfall, but you know that. From the beginning you could have chosen to do things differently, your life didn't have to go the way it did but it's too late to change the past. But you could try to save your daughter before its too late. Encourage your children to do things with their life, to make the world worth living in. In relation to your life, try to find some social activity nearby to get involved in, exercise-it makes you feel happier, don't just lock yourself away feeling sorry for yourself, do something about it.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 02:15

Find the strength to guide your kids into the right path. Perhaps the Air force or the Navy will do your kids some good. Maybe that will help motivate you to improve your life as well. Find a hobby. Find local meet up groups.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 03:02

I feel for you dude. People think they understand when they hear something like that and they tell you something like "hang in there buddy, everything is going to be ok" but that is just because they already have what makes them happy in life. If they didnt they would be singing the same tune. I am only 25 (wtf do I know right?) well anyway im sure you can appreciate it when I say that "I have lived" enough said.
The only thing that I was ever able to do (aside from getting high and drunk and falling out) was just let go. let go of the painful memories, stop thinking about that shit. Let go of the guilt, let go of the grudges, let go of your broken promises, let go of pride, let go of anger and make some room in your life for happiness. forgive yourself, and everyone else. that was then, this is now.
and about your seed, lead by example.
whenever i start trippin, I just go for a walk and i dont stop till i feel better.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 07:58

start drawing or sumthing always makes me feel beeter ps no one ever wanted to play with me either and my mum hates me

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 11:44

I wish I could be your friend and share with you what you feel. If possible just add me on facebook

ww w(dot)facebook(dot)com/Rupinder.Singh.Cheema?ref=tn_tnmn

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 12:26

Hey. I think I'm on my way to live a life very similar to yours, though I'm younger.

Do your kids have friends/partners? You know, even if they have drug addictions, whatever... you have to realize that they're probably living a pretty fun life, and they're not lonely. That's what matters, and that's what could make your life a bit happier - your kids are living an ok life.

You had a family (even if you think it sucked), wife. Even if it was all fake or whatever, you still tried it out. You could have just spend those times living alone too, that would be worse.

Also, you guys above should stop blaming drugs. Of course they didn't make it any better, and they probably did make it worse... but it's what it's inside that caused all the problems in the first place, and that's what made him take drugs. He would have likely been the same, even if he didn't take drugs.
It's not just drugs that cause problems, it's people that end up taking drugs, that are problematic.

Some advice to you sir. You have to look at it rationally - if you do not have the balls to kill yourself (which you obviously don't, you would have done it a long time ago otherwise) you will end up living. So try to make this as least painful as possible. To do this, find some sort of goal in your life - not that this wouldn't be pointless - everything is pointless... but making a goal in your life, and living to achieve it, that is a great way to make your life fun.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 14:06

I struggle with being lonely and alone too. However you have children and the love of your children is something you do have. You do have someone to hug and touch. It isn't quite the same as a companion no. . .. I get that. I am just about your age, a female and I'm horribly lonely. I'm fairly attractive and so year for someone to give my love to as I do to get love. I don't have children and I don't have a person in my life that cares. It is the most terrible feeling in the world to think that no one ever saw me as anything special or worth loving. My only hope and dream in life was to be loved, be married and have a family. I will never have any of those dreams come true in my life and it is an unbearable thought. Be glad and happy that you do have your children. I need so much a way to give and receive affection. My heart is so heavy especially every time there is an occasion for families. When I hear people talk of what their families are doing. I fit in nowhere in life because I am alone. I always feel out of place. Everything hurts.
By anonymous at 26,Apr,12 21:29

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I wonder if there's some way we can get in touch, maybe by email? I don't even know if you'll see this, but if you do, I would really like to be able to correspond with you.
By anonymous at 08,May,12 20:16 Fold Up

I am the original poster. One thing I hate about this place is that everyone is "anonymous" and so there's no way to get in touch with someone who responded to your post. I would really like to correspond with you, but it seems that, unless you see this post by total chance, there isn't any way I can do that.

Oh, well.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 19:24

Certain things about your story I can relate to, others I can't. I can relate to the loneliness, but not the drug addiction. It seems you had several chances to have a companion, but blew it due to your drug addiciton.

Have you sat your daughter down and had a heart to heart with her? Tell her your story and how you are so very fearful that she will follow in your footsteps and waste her life away. I would even stage an intervention if necessary. Call the show "Intervention" on A&E or talk to some addiction counselors in your area that may be willing to help you. Do anything it takes to save her.

To help give your life meaning try mentoring at risk youths, tell people your story and try to prevent them from going down a similar path in life. Maybe that will at least give you some joy. Life is a test of endurance at times.

By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 20:45

Every thing has a reason and a purpose. Maybe this is the crap you have to go through so that in your next life you will appreciate the good things. That is all I can think of. Our bodies are just transitional devices but our souls are eternal. Time is just a concept that has no real meaning. It goes by and only thing that sticks is what you have learned the harder the lesson the greater the learning. You have learned a lot so if life is a card game learn to play your cards to your advantage. Don't have any answers only that I and everyone else living in this carnal world have our own crosses to bear and don't think that yours is any heavier that anyone elses. We all pay the piper and no one gets out alive.

By anonymous at 07,Apr,12 04:00

Wow you have kids you are so lucky I wish I had kids then I wouldn't feel like im a pathetic weak person who can't continue the human gene pool
By anonymous at 08,May,12 19:26

Yes, I agree that I am much luckier than many other lonely people in that I have two wonderful children. They are the light of my life, and they adore me for reasons that I really can't figure out. But my life isn't totally empty because of them.

At the same time, I worry about them all the time. My son (17) seems pretty level headed and okay, but my daughter (21) has major emotional problems ... she can go from being joyus and happy to angry and violent in the blink of an eye. At times I feel guilty for causing them to be here.

By anonymous at 07,Apr,12 05:27

i think that my life suck sometimes too, you have to take it day by day find something interesting to do everyday

By anonymous at 07,Apr,12 14:55

I appreciate everyone who took the time to make a sympathetic remark, especially the person who noted that drugs aren't the cause of problems, emotional problems are the cause of drug use. People who are at least vaguely happy, who are comfortable in their own skin, aren't fascinated by drugs and don't seek them out. Ironically, I went to graduate school and studied neuropharmacology ... that is, the pharmacology of drugs that affect the mind. As to trying to help my daughter, surely no one can think that I don't already devote all of my energy to that, using myself as an example of how it leads nowhere but to even worse suffering. It never felt like a "decision" I made to use drugs. I believe that there is *some* level of pain that will make anyone scream for the morphine ...

Those who said that at least I had children, and that that is a blessing itself, are absolutely right. But so is the person who said that the love of one's kids is not the same as the love of a lover.

I don't feel sorry for myself. As I said, I can no longer wring this kind of emotion out of myself. It's nice to know that I'm not alone; and I offer myself as an example of how *not* to live to any younger people who feel as utterly alone as I always have. Thanks again to those who took the time to read what I wrote, and even offered a response to it. Remember that when you blame drugs, even though they *do* ultimately make things worse, you are really putting the cart before the horse. One has to be in a lot of pain to seek out heavy narcotics at age 12 ... I wasn't a juvenile delinquent or involved with "bad" people or anything. In fact, I was kind of a science geek; the "bad" people bullied me no end. I knew I wanted relief, and I knew drugs gave relief, and I tried morphine and from that moment on, I never wanted to feel any other way. Eventually, of course, it becomes a physical necessity to have the narcotics.

But they only give relief for a short time ... weeks, maybe months ... and then there is indescribable suffering, and torture waits only a few hours into the future for the rest of your life.

By anonymous at 07,Apr,12 15:07

Rupinder Singh ... do you have an email address? I won't discuss these things on facebook, but I really appreciate your offer of friendship.


By anonymous at 08,Apr,12 01:31

Reading your story makes me wonder if thats how i'll end up.. I am 22 and I have realized for quite a while already that I will live without friends or a woman beside me. I have come to terms with that thought and believe or hope perhaps that I will somehow achieve other things in life which makes it worth living as a lonely man.

Hearing your story makes me wonder if its really that simple and if perhaps it will be bad no matter what, when I sit in my house or apartment 20 years from now all alone. I am afraid of physical pain and suffering, I am very weak in that regard. And if I was in your position with almost complete loneliness coupled with chronic pain I could only hope to have the strenght and courage to kill myself. A life of suffering is not a life worth living in my opinion. Only weeks ago I would probably have said that life is always worth living as long as you have those golden moments shining throught every now and then. But i'm starting to doubt that's true.. I'm so weak that when I have a headache and nausea I start thinking about the unfairness of life, and how life is only suffering and how pointless it is. Of course this applies not to everyone, but its the feeling I got at that time of "pain" if I even know the true meaning of that word. It makes me think of my own "pain" and the true pain and suffering other people go through. People in tortured prisons, people who works 2-3 jobs only with the hope of improving their childrens future. In a sense it makes my life seem not so bad, but at the same time it brings to surface these feelings of unfairness and pointlessnes.

This might be very controversial and honestly things might actually change, you never know... But when hope is so low and the suffering is so much, I cant help but wonder why one should even continue enduring? For what really? If there is no reason to endure for, why do it? But what do I know, I am a really weak and afraid person who give up easily. I just dislike the idea of you suffering for 30 more years almost no reason, because I sure as hell wouldn't want that. Wow this is really weird. I am usually of the opinion that "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". But I dont really believe that rule applies to everyone.

This was a very long reply, but I would really hope to have a dialogue and not just a monologue. It's always nice to exhange ideas and thoughts.
By anonymous at 08,Apr,12 01:47

PS. (I am the person above).

What I have come to realize, more than ever now reading your story is that, nothing even just changes like that. You have to change them yourself. And of course thats not easy, but I believe thats how it works. You either do or you dont. And probably I think that a lonely life can still be enjoyed with nice weather and hobbies etc. But when you dont even have that and when you on top of that have chronic pains then that really frightens me, that kind of a life. So I guess what im saying is, take matters into your own hands and change your life because it will not change for you! If you truly have realized that this is not possible and that complacent continued suffering is the only option. Then I would recommend suicide, or perhaps a nicer word, "self euthanasia". Which I believe in, after watching the movie about Dr Kevorkian.

Man its really stupid, people (including myself) know the answer to their problems, but we arent ready work to fix them, we arent strong enough or brave enough, we rather see our life go down the drain. Its so sad and so stupid its retarded really... It is absolutely illogical and just wow... no words can describe it!

By anonymous at 10,Apr,12 22:26

I'm the person who wrote the original message. Several people made reference to the idea that committing suicide requires "balls" or "strength." Decades ago, I made three serious attempts at suicide, I have no idea why they didn't work (including sitting in a closed garage with the engine running all night, with a pipe running from the exhaust into the car). I just want to say that I don't think it takes strength to kill oneself. I'm not afraid of death; I'm afraid of life.

When I was a kid, suicide was really easy. If you went to the doctor and said you couldn't sleep, you got 30 or 60 100 mg Seconal capsules ... either one was certain death. But if I took two, I got high, and the idea of suicide lost its urgency. Of course, no one prescribes Seconal anymore, because it was always the suicide tool of choice.

There's a Grateful Dead song, "Just A Little Light," that I've always loved:

Well there ain't nobody safer than someone who doesn't care
And it isn't even lonely when no one's ever there
I had a lot of dreams once, but some of them came true
The honey's sometimes bitter when fortune falls on you
Even though I've been a stranger, full of irony and spite
Having little but contempt for all things beautiful
and bright
Something shines around you and it seems, to my delight
To give me, just a little sweetness,
Just a little light

At this point, and really for decades now, my life goes on by inertia. My kids, their lives already messed up by divorce (when my daughter was ten and my son was five) do not need the suicide of a parent on top of their already difficult lives. No matter how much loneliness and pain my life is, their lives are more important than mine and I have to keep going in order to be here when they need me (this doesn't preclude me from smoking cigarettes in an atempt to shorten my life ... and the fact is that there's little I can really do do help them ... but just my being here seems to mean a lot to them, god knows why).

Sometimes I wish I had availed myself of the lethal effects of Seconal or Nembutal or Amytal or Tuinal in the days when I could always get them ... if I'd done that, I would have spared myself a lot of suffering, and my kids would never have been born, thus sparing them a lot of suffering. But we always have to start from now, and things are what they are.

Someone asked, if I was so scared of being lonely, then whey did I do drugs in this first place? This sounds like a real non-sequiter to me: it's not like if I *didn't* take drugs, I wouldn't have been lonely. I'd already been lonely for my whole life. It's really unclear to me what that person was getting at. People who are not drawn to drugs generally have no understanding at all of the psychology of drug addiction. For a long time, I felt like dope was the "consolation prize" in life, the thing that gave one a reason to live when one had none of the "real" reasons for living. But a day comes when drugs no longer have any effect in terms of relief.
By anonymous at 11,Apr,12 06:00

(Its me, the writer of the long reply just above hehe)

Wow.. it is very selfless of you to keep going just for the sake of your kids. You have reached a point in life which I have no insigt about. It just really seems wrong for you keep going suffering like this. Since you have all the time in the world, I would say try and make the best of your remaining time. Here I go again talking about things I probably know nothing about. But really, life have things to offer other than friendship and love. The earth is beautiful, the trees, the sun, the forest, the mountains and the outdoors in general, it can give great serenity. If you have the blessing of a nice environment around you, use it! Go experience some joy in your life, if only a little. And perhaps if you got the money try and travel every now and then to wonderful places of either historic significance or just plain beautiful nature or on safaris in Africa. Animals are not like humans, you will surely connect to them in a way not possible with people. Travel to zoos, to africa, get a cat or a dog (and treat it well), something to give your life a little meaning, joy and brightness. The world is so full of things to be seen and experienced. Try and find whatever it is you might enjoy and can afford.

Whatever I may know or dont know about your life, I dont see how there is anything stopping you from just going out and enjoying a nice walk in the sun, or just sitting on a bench enjoying the weather, depending on what your body or money can afford you. There's no reason for you to purposely make your life more miserable than it already is.

By anonymous at 11,Apr,12 20:03

Hi, guy who wrote the reply above, it's me, the original poster.

I live on Social Security Disability, which is literally barely enough to survive on. There's no money for travel or entertainment of any kind. Also, the pain of peripheral neuropathy is in the feet, lower legs, and hands. It's only because of pain medication that I can even stand up and walk. And I'm among the lucky few whose doctor will prescribe sufficient doses of narcotic analgesics to give me about 35 to 45% relief of pain. I take controlled-release medication around the clock, and I also have low-dose extra meds for when the pain flares up. Many people with diabetic PN cannot get any effective meds at all; instead, they get fobbed off with Lyrica or Cymbalta or Neurotin, or any of a hundred other non-controlled drugs, not because they work (they don't) but because the doctor doesn't want to write for narcotics. I was lucky because I had a good, long-term relationship with my internist for many years before any of this happened, and had never asked for any controlled meds (you know, meds for pain, anxiety, or sleep basically). Because I have a history of addiction (which my doctor knows about), the usual doses of things like oxycodone don't even touch me. But my doctor was determined not to leave me in uncontrolled pain for the rest of my life. I've been doing okay, in the last two years I haven't needed an increase in my dose.

That's another thing I'd tell would-be opiate abusers: later in your life, there will come a day when you need *serious* pain management, and if you mess around with narcotics, when that day comes, there will be nothing that can offer any relief. And that's a terrible day.

Well, anyway, I just wanted to add that. It's been really nice having people who understand the soul-crushing loneliness to talk to, and listen to. Thanks for the conversation, everyone.

By anonymous at 27,Apr,12 22:13

The drugs certainly contributed to your bad decisions but they were just a symptom of whatever inner pain you are carrying around. I gave 23 years to Scotch and Weed. I don't anymore because I realized how much worse everthing got by using two powerful depressants. I still struggle with isolation I take full responsibiolty for my mosery and happiness. No point in blaming. Nothing changes that way. You are stuck my friend. Stuck in the muck. The only thing that helps me, lifts my spirits, even though I choose to spend 99% of my time alone because of self doubt, is Buddhism. It helps me to accept what I cannot change and change what I have the power to change instead of just crying, which I was doing 24/7. I am NOT talking abot AA. Those words apply to everyone, whether they drink/drug or not. We have to look within and figure out what part of our misery we are responsible for. Nothing is quick or easy but being alone and stuck feeds into the pain. You have the power to change your life. We all do.If we say "I can't" We are really saying, "I won't" We have the choice to make. Fear is paralyzing, yes, but, we have the power to walk through it.I do hope you can tap into your own power.

By anonymous at 12,Jun,12 01:35

There's a reason your a life. Your life does a purpose believe it or not :) if you have nothing to lose try going to a church - God cares about u

By anonymous at 09,Jul,12 16:19

Hi, I'm the original poster.

I just wanted to address the person above who mentioned Buddhism. I've been studying Buddhism for over 30 years, and there's no question that it's given me a perspective that, at least, makes it possible to go on. It's also made me a better person; I try to help everyone I see (although I don't see many people, being more-or-less house-bound due to pain). There's no doubt that trying to lessen suffering wherever one sees it brings a spiritual uplift that is far more real and enduring than the temporary freedom from anguish that drugs can deliver (and drugs suffer from diminishing returns ... the more years go by, the higher your tolerance becomes, until simply trying to get *any* degree of relief requires doses that are insane, and cost hundreds of times what I can afford. Also, because I really need my medications for pain, taking more than prescribed means I'd have to go through long periods of time with no pain relief). Depression and chronic pain go hand-in-hand. The nightime is the worst. It's quiet, and with no distractions, the mind seems to go straight to the pain ... which feels like walking in pure nitric acid on razorblades with 100,000 volts running through them. The nights are long ... add in the excrutiating memories of rejection, humiliation, and despair, and, without a Buddhist grounding, I do not know how I could possibly get by.

I have a constant level of pain that precludes even walking with a cane except for very brief periods of time. Also, because of heart disease and congestive heart failure, I can't go out at all when it's hot (and it's been very hot lately ... too hot for me to even get to the grocery store and carry bags back. Having a cane really limits how much you can carry back from the store, too).

The most profound idea in Buddhism is *anata*, or "no-self." Suffering certainly feels very real. But according to the Buddha's analysis, the idea of a "self" ... the perceiver of suffering ... is an illusion. It is just a mental construct caused by sensory contact with the world.

Practice in Buddhism is really more important and fruitful than my "scholarly" approach to the subject. But I've always been of an intellectual bent and so I don't really grasp Buddhism "in my gut," only as an abstraction in my mind. I used to practice many hours a day (hey, I have all the time in the world). I also play the sitar. But both of these activities are no longer possible, because I cannot sit in the required position.

I know one can practice mindfulness and concentration without sitting zazen. But I learned practice (sitting) as the full involvement of consciousness with the perfection of the posture. As to the sitar, it is simply impossible to play it in any other posture.

So now my zafu and my sitar have become beautiful, but unused, decorations in my living room.

By Dell at 15,May,17 02:19

The genius store caelld, they're running out of you.

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