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My life...

Posted by anonymous at April 2, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Attitude

I am 19. Some aspects of my life are okay. I have a good family and parents that care for me. I get good grades and am on my way to graduate college. I wouldn't say I'm ugly, but I wouldn't say I'm gorgeous either.

Despite the "good" in my life, there are other things. I have chronic depression. No matter what I do, I'm never happy. I found this sight by typing "life sucks" into Google because all of my thoughts are based on depressing and negative thoughts. I also have situational depression, which causes my to go into a deep, dark, suicidal depression when bad things happen. This is where I am today.

My best friend (guy), just fell for my other best friend (girl), even though they both knew my strong feelings for the guy. I've been pushed away. I no longer matter. I am worthless and have been realizing that I have been all along. I have no friends.

I used to know a girl, who changed my life forever. She had a heart attack and is now a vegetable. She can't do anything and I miss her.

I recently had 2 family members die of cancer, and 2 friends committ suicide. I am in a horrible financial situation and I don't know what to do.

This may not seem like anything HORRIBLE, but no one knows what depression is like until they're in their deepest, darkest hours, contemplating suicide. It takes over my mind. It consumes my world. It blinds me. I can't escape. I'm trapped in this dreary place. I can't find a way out. I'm worthless. I'm done. I can't handle the feeling of being controlled by depression, but no matter what I do, it's there, controling my mind and thoughts, taunting me. I have iscolated myself from the world. I don't care if people think this is dumb, or something not to worry about. I know my pain. I know how this feels. I know. And no one understands. No one cares.


New Comment

By Cursed at 02,Apr,12 14:33

Dear friend-
I bet you're wrong. I bet you, there are a gazillion people on this site that KNOW EXACTLY how you feel! In fact, we all have experienced fear, rejection, worthlessness, financial woes, and thoughts of suicide and depression. Have you ever spoken of your depression with your folks? There are anti-depressants for depression. I personally was on Paxil for the longest time to get over a severe depressive episode in my life... I weaned myself off it, once things were better, but if I hadn't gotten a prescription from my doctor, I probably would still be curled up in the fetal position! In any case, you ARE NOT ALONE. Lucky you- you have all of us:)
Contrary to belief, life is not a bowl of cherries. There are constantly hurdles in life that we are forced to jump over- for you, it is unrequited love. But trust me kid, you will survive! You are not worthless- just depressed. It can be fixed though, and you have the power to do it!!
Make a doctors appointment ASAP. Get on some meds and get your life back on track. The most important thing for you to focus on is SCHOOL. Relationships will follow. Once you are secure and happy with yourself, then you will be ready to get involved with someone... But for now, you are young, beautiful/handsome (not sure if you're a woman or a man) and you're time to fall in love will come again-
Be strong
Immerse yourself in your work- succeed and you will be just fine!
Good luck-

By anonymous at 02,Apr,12 16:33

Wow. All I can say is that I can relate. I'm 19 years old in college and not really happy about anything. I have deep relationship problems, which I don't care to talk about other than to let you know that I understand what you're going through. I completely understand the depression and I have for years. The worthless feeling unfortunately goes hand-in-hand with that. I'm sorry for how you're feeling, but after seeing this I'm convinced that I'm not the only one feeling like this, which means you aren't either. I don't really have any advice, I just didn't want to pass up the opportunity to tell someone in need that I feel the same way. Thank you for posting this, it actually meant a lot to read it and I hope this somehow helped.

By justme at 02,Apr,12 16:52

Thank you for commenting. I am a female. I do believe people know how I feel, I just can't say to the full extent. Thank you, Cursed, for your insight. A lot of what you said, I know is true. I just have to make myself come to live it, and truly see it.
And thank you for your comment, fellow 19 year old. It is good to know someone else can relate and really knows. I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever need to talk to someone, I'll be glad to. Thank you for commenting. It did help.
By Cursed at 02,Apr,12 17:34

You betcha sweetie. You can do it!

By anonymous at 02,Apr,12 18:43

as a teen I was depressed started to give my things away that meant a lot to me. Coming from a bad childhood it is hard to snap out of it ! I woke up everyday telling myself its a new day. Treat the day like a first day of school or a new job. You do not know everything and you will make mistakes but ur learning ...I walked a lot ! Also need to do something for SOMEONE ELSE. Help others.. it will get ur mind off ur own problems. It will make you feel good. Make a list every morning why you are so greatful! DO not dwell ever!

By anonymous at 02,Apr,12 21:29

Your not alone.I feel the same way as you.I most recently loss a friend to suicide and I can't help but wish I was with him rather than here living this miserable,lonely life of mine...

By NotYourplainjane at 03,Apr,12 00:02

=).. see you have already made some friends here =)
Don't worry too much..... You're not alone and that does not give you a reason to contemplate on suiciding... have you tried getting a pet? or some activities that you would like doing?? Cheer up.. People do care about you.. if not why would we be commenting and consoling you? ..

By anonymous at 03,Apr,12 00:55

Wow, that's tough. But atleast you have your family and are in college. You're too young and i strongly believe things will get better for you. Find new friends, stay away from those guys who made you feel the way you do now. Don't let it all consume you. You have your whole life ahead of you dear. Things will change if you allow them. Kind of strange but i do care. I have a daughter your age btw and she would sometimes feel worthless too. But i gather it's just a typical event for young people like you to go through difficult phase in life crucial for your need to grow up and be a full-blown strong young woman! Cheer up, honey. With time it will get better. Trust me. :)

By anonymous at 03,Apr,12 01:17

As a person who is all too familiar with depression and only a couple of years older, I care. Depression is a LIAR because it tells you things about yourself that simply aren't true. It makes you look at yourself and at the world in very skewed ways and can blow even the simplest tasks or problems way out of proportion.

My best advice is take action to pull yourself out of the vicious cycle of depression. Make a list of things you need to do (i.e. Getting out of bed, take a shower, eat breakfast, etc.) and check them off as you go. It seems stupid but rewarding yourself feels good after being so hard on yourself for so long. Try and get some exercise every day, even if it's just a brisk walk outside. This will give you a sense of accomplishment and it also releases chemicals in your body that make you feel good.

Stop being hard on yourself, a mental illness should be viewed as no different than a physical illness; you wouldn't get down on yourself if you had the flu.

Getting help may be the hardest thing you ever do but it is necessary, this help can be from family or friends, professionals, and/or medication. You need to remember that things can get better, they will get better, and with help you can beat your depression.

If you're not quite ready to reach out for help, try reading a book on depression like 'Feeling Good' by Dr. Burns or something similar.

By justme at 03,Apr,12 10:48

Thank you everyone. I cannot thank you enough. I will try to gain enough courage to seek help. I know what you say is true. It's a struggle to keep that in my head throughout the day. But I will keep trying. It's great to know I have people that know how I feel or that care enough to try to help. Thank you. I will give it my best effort and take what was said into consideration. Every bit helps.

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