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could it get much worse - part 1

Posted by ambida at May 12, 2010
Tags: Alcohol  Health  Juvenile problems  2010 May

So even as a kid i remember my Mum dragging me to school, me hating it i was an anxious child and i would hide myself in the toilets run away from school, anything just to get away from this situation that i hated. In the end i ended up loving primary school I excelled in heaps of things, i was in the paper a lot i *used to* love being photographed and being the centre of attention. A catholic school was the first high school that i went to but there were these twins who hated me and just loved to bully me, my parents moved me to a public school when they took it too far and knocked me unconcious against the bike stands. I got along with everyone there really. I was in year 9 and was at gcse level i like really excelled despite the whole add thing. Then my Dad got a job in France and the next thing i knew i was sitting in class in a private french school. I didnt know how to speak french. I hated that skool the kids took the piss out of me again i was pushed around and stuff things just got too much and the thought of going back to school was so terrifying i took an overdose and landed myself in hospital. I had kidney failure. I was on dialysis and tbh everyone had been warned i could die cuz i was just so ill from the od. After 2 months i was out of hospital, but not with much counselling cuz i didnt understand much french so it was hard for me to understand and express myself. The majority of girls i associated with in hospital had eating disorders (ed's) and i didnt think it would effect me but it did. When i got back home, as its a small village i lived in everyone had heard the news and came round to see me. They all said how amazing i look so skinny. I had dropped to 38 kilos and i was 5ft4. My mum was disgusted. The french mums are evry much into making their daughters diet etc its bad most of the women and girls here are anorexic. I loved the compliments but my mum made sure she would get that weight back on me. Shed feed me such big meals high in carbs, like id seen the girls with the eds in hospital, the staff had been doing that to them. My way of thinking was if i have to eat it and not gain weight isnt the easiest way just to get it up again. So thats what i did. We had quite a big house i had an ensuite so it was easy, my parents thought i was just reading listening to music whatever and id be purging in my bathroom. I did go back to school, i attended the local school which i did enjoy and i got my equivilent to gcses in french. There was a group of girls who again bullied me and on a skiing trip pushed me down the mountain and i ended up dislocating my thumb and breaking my wrist so i had more time off school but yeah i managed to complete my equivilent of gcses. When i was 16, i decided to go to scotland to study some gcses and a levels at college. My friends met a couple at the christian campsite we go to every year in france and they said i could stay with them to go to college. When i got there i fucked everything up. He was a priest. They wanted me in constantly to study, i was never allowed out. so i ended up having a fight with the woman man she had issues! and i got kicked out and i didnt really have anywhere to go so i ended up in the homeless unit. then a woman who kenw me from the local shop said i could stay with her, she had a 13 year old daughter and we got on really well. by then i was drinking quite a bit, trust me the womans homeless units are not nice. i was in my bed once and someone threw a brick through the window. it scared me to death. So yeah i was drinking a lot and i was raped by 2 guys. I cut down on the drink cuz i didnt want to be in the position of being raped again. I quit college and ended up working at mcdonalds. I enjoyed that it was fun, i made friends, started seeing a guy. Fell pregnant. He was 15 and had a gf though hed told me he was single. When i told him i was pregnant he stopped contacting me. 4 months later i was at a concert and he was there with his gf. my friend went up to him and yelled at him for leaving me like this then his gf came up to me crying and shouting that he loved her and hed never do that to her. i didnt know what to say man i felt sooo sorry for her, but that night fucked me up. i started drinking again and i was at work when i lost my baby girl Jamie-Lee.

I went back to France cuz i was ill and upset and had too many issues going on. Id gained weight from the pregnancy and i had started to overeat. When i was 17 my Dad's work moved us to Singapore. When we arrived we were in a hotel and it was sooo hot i put my bikini on looked in the mirror and cried at how fat i was. pretty much everyone in singapore is small boned and tiny and i was just gross. i started cutting down my calories from 2500 a day until i ended up not eating at all. I was going to the gym 4 times a day plus swimming and before i knew it i was taken into hospital again because i refused to eat. I had therapy was diagnosed with bordeline personality la de la. Had many health issues due to not eating. I was in and out of hospital not a good life but i loved the morphine! Going out i was dumb i took es off a guy and he expected sex in return which i didnt think about so he dragged me along the road i was screaming and some british guys came to my rescue and got me away cuz the police had turned up.I gained weight but once id turned 18 they had no right to put me back in hospital. My life since then has consisted of staying thin a lot of my friends were bulimic but i just prefered not to eat. I started modeling. I did well, people liked my look and the skinnier i got the more jobs i got. They even told me that to my face. Its a fucked up industry. Met a girl who fucked me over i got hooked on meth she messed up my modeling career. my bf at the time went to jail for dealing. I had to supply my drug habbit so i started to prostitute myself. I managed to make good money out there being a caucasian model (blonde) etc my rates soared to 1000 singapore dollars an hour. I hated myself though and what i was doing and the fact that my friends relied on me to supply the drugs for them too i prostituted myself they thought no big deal theyd just smoke the stuff i bought. whatever most of them have been put away now anyways. I moved back to France. When i got on the plane i was high. I went cold turkey but couldnt handle it. I overdosed for the god knows how many time? Oh i forgot to mention i went bk to Nuneaton when i was 18 to go to college again but quit cuz i got bored. The guy i was staying with was a friend of my dads. he wanted me to do porn with him. i wouldnt do it so he went mental pushed me around a bit and i left to live with my bf. He was hooked on drugs. a really decent guy though. i got hooked on es and speed. I was evil and cheated on him though. i was fucked up cutting really bad at that point so i went bk to singapore. anyways back in france after singapore just before my 21st id taken that overdose and i was really ill again and in hospital again so my mum decided shed take me to england to get help cuz id lost a lot of my french having moved away and living in singapore. I was staying with a friend of my mums again but i didnt get along with her daughter so i moved in with my bf at the time in london. This was after a few weeks at rehab but it didnt really help and the meds i was on made me gain 20 kilos in 2 months i was sleep eating it was ridiculous! So yeah i was living with him in the worst part of london, N and he was really paranoid and controlling and ended up being abusive. That night he was beating me up and everytime i stood up hed wack me back down to the floor again, my head was bleading and id gotten dizzy i grabbed the knife off the counter and put it infront of my stomach and told him to back off. he called the police and i got arrested cuz he said id tried to stab him in the stomach. i got a caution which has fucked me up for working with kids. i went to stay with family, i went bk to him once (dont ask why) and he raped me so i did a runner again and was registered as homeless but i was too traumatised to live in that part of london where most ppl are asian. im not racist but its the fact that my bf was half indian and the other guys apart from one who had raped me were asian so yeah i just couldnt bear to live in that area. My bf had forced me to come off of my valium and its dangerous to just stop taking it especially as i was on a high dose but the doctor was a dick and wouldnt put me back on it. My mum came bk over from france and we stayed with my uncle went to a and e so many times i was finally put bk on my vailum. My friend was living in loughborough and she had an ed too so i moved in with her but the job centre didnt pay me my money so i couldnt afford the rent i got depressed cuz i felt like such a failure and i cut my wrists real bad and tried to drown msyelf. My friend got me out of the water and got me concious, shed called the paramedics but they said they couldnt do anything cuz i didnt have a permanent doctor. My grandparents came to pick me up and took me to live with my aunt. little did i know that she was a drunk, i was left to look after the kids i was doing everything for her paying for everything with loans from the job centre. Then there was that night where she got drunk and beat me up and tried to run me over. My grandparents got me the next day then my mum came over took me 2 my psych app and then i came bk to france with her. my psych wants me to be a guinea pig for some new medication. im not doing it and i have to wait 2 years for therapy. During my time in england over the last year ive been more bulimic and overeating than anything but after all the abuse lately i just dont have an appetite which is good in a way cuz i need to lose the weight. Im waiting for some tests to come bk cuz my joints seem fucked up but god knows i have too many problems from this ed. thing is in england unless im under a bmi of 18.5 they wont help me to get better with therapy or anything. i was at a bmi of 19.5 and i begged them but nope they r total fuckers. what they dont realise is that once i get down to a low weight i wont want the help they shouldve just helped me when i asked for it. anyways so i probz missed out a few things there but thats pretty much it for now. meh need a cigarette after all that writin


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Wow. Prescription: Seroquel + Effexor + Therapy. I suspect your subconscious is sabotaging your feelings. You will need to rewire your brain very deep if you want a better life.

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