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To be perfect

Posted by K. at January 30, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 January

I always wanted to be perfect. When I was little I could have been everything. An Actor, a musician or a comedian. I was born pretty, as something special, that everybody looked and said :" oh, how cute". I was the star on every travel. I was the prince, or even the king. I was born with a strong body and good mind. So everything I wanted I could do. I was the best in athletics. And I dreamed about beeing the best in Jumps and Speedwalk. I joined so many things for only 3 weeks, because I wanted to have everything. I have 2 older brother, so maybe thats a syndrome or something, because I was young but still made things 10 year older people had to go trough.
So I always wanted to live trough everything. Had lived everything, every feeling and be still kind and patient to all human beeings. I started to just be whatevery other people wanted me to me, as long as everybody likes me. And they did. I can almost speak with everyone. And everyone would like me.

When I was 7 and everything was great my stepfather joined the family. He was and alcoholic. He beated my mom and sometimes me. I didnt understand what was going on, because I was only 8 or 9. He was sometimes running with a knife after me and my mom and we were hiding a lot.
No I am 21, but until I was around 17, for 10 years every night I was scared that he would kill my mother. I know that sounds crazy, and he wouldnt have done it.
But in my childish brain it all made sense.
So every night i was hiding behind the door and listened to everything they did, when he was drunk and screaming.
My brothers werent home. So I was alone.
At the same time I was in school. And until then, I couldt speak to everyone about that. It was my secret.
My real father by the way was gone. I only saw him every year. And between that I thought he was hanging himself, I couldt reach him after 100 calls.
Just a small thing, and many small things that just sucked and made my brain wash away. I always wanted to have extreme feelings. Always wanted everything and still be perfect and nice to everyone.

I am a proud man, everyday a different feeling. Happy and deeply sad. For 8 years now I want to kill myself. Im loving life, and I love myself. But I cant take life, because I think everything trough.
I had the fact that everything has to end.
As I read, all the facts seem stupid. But as I am me, And have these feelings inside, I have to live with that. And I know there are many people that have a more crappy life. But as time is present, and as I sit here and stay at all that grey things, my brain screams and crys for every shitty and beautiful thing at the same time, the world is and were.
I love the world, and still hate here.
Hate myself and still like myself and dont want to kill myself.
"let it be as it is. Dont worry, just enjoy" whatever


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New Comment

By anonymous at 14,Feb,12 22:46

Im sorry to hear about all the hardships you've endured. Its not over, heres some good news.

God uses the weak, the powerless, the hurt, the poor, and the lonely in GREAT ways. Heres a illustration: A potter will take a helpless, lifeless lump of clay and then knead it and squeeze it until it's soft and pliable. And then when he gets it just right, he takes that piece of clay and he does something called throwing, where he places the clay on a spinning table.
As that clay is placed upon that turning wheel, the potter's hands then begin to pressure the clay and work it until he makes something beautiful out of that old ugly piece of clay.

God is the true master craftsman. He is a potter who is making something beautiful out of every life. He will take the old ugly mistakes and sins and make them into something completely new!

When you truly know God, you can live victoriously! So whatever the ugliness is in your life, be assured that through the blood of Christ, God molds you and makes you into something beautiful! Many people can testify to how God has changed them. Ive never heard of anyone regretting putting their faith in jesus.

Are you saved? God can turn the worst of situations into good! Joeseph was left for dead and put into slavery by his brothers, he was abandonded, afraid, probably thought his life was over. But he trusted God, he then eventually became second in command of Egypt. Without looking into the future it can be hard to be optimistic. If you put your faith with jesus he wont abandon you, he will love you and give you a new life. All you have to do is accept jesus as your lord and savior and ask for forgiveness of your sin, he will wash away all your sin (everyone has sin, i'm not judging you by what I say).

Jesus knows your pain, because he went through all the different pains possible when he was tortured and then nailed to a cross. He layed down his life for me and you, so that we can have eternal life in heaven. All we have to do is accept him as our lord and savior and ask for forgiveness for our sin. Jesus loves you with love that cant be compared, he loves you so much that he died for you. He can change you. He changes people every single day. You can say that one of his job descriptions is "Life Changer". He knows your trouble, he cares for you, and he wants you to know him. He will comfort us when there seems to be no comfort available. He is our friend when everyone else seems to not care, he provides for us when we are without, and he gives us strength when we are weak. He washes away all our sin when we have lived sinfilled lives. He is offering the gift of everlasting life in heaven free of charge, its your choice whether you accept his offer.

New Comment