I'm useless, dumb, have 1 friend and I don't even know why he's my friend. Everyday I have to hear my 4 other adult family members bitch about how they hate each other. There's my dad, a cynical fucking bastard, everyday its a lecture about conserving energy, food (I got the point the first hundred times) and how he has to work two jobs and pay for bills and blah blah no help for him, life was better in 1960. Meanwhile my sisters fight with my mom on everything and they come to me to side with them. I could say I couldn't give a flying fuck, but to keep the peace, to maintain the integrity of my eardrums, I give everyone what they want to make them happy. So I get a job, I pay bills, I give money for food, I buy my baby niece stuff, I do garbage, I do laundry, I clean, I cook I do dishes. Why? Cause I can't stand them arguing.
Dumb right? Why can't I just move out or just tell them that they're all hypocritcal idiots. It's because I'm a loser, I have no self esteem. Prolly cause it was demolished in highschool. You see, I have a baby face. Yes, so I looked 10 years old from grade 9 and up. Oh it's good to look young! If you're fucking thinking that then, go away because you don't understand what it's like to not be respected by peers. To grow up not having the confidence in doing things you would like b/c everyone thinks you don't belong. I'm a tool, a loser. Yep and the fact I admit it is even more reason to hate myself.
I went to university and got into space engineering. Why? Cause I wanted to get a decent job, I guess I like space. Too bad I'm too dumb to keep up, I procrastinate and then, when I fail, I blame it on being depressed by my family. When really it's my fault. Yep. Now I'm in a 3 year degree prgm, and I'm in my 6th year at the univ. You're laughing right? Good cause I agree I'm a total waste of air.
I have a deformed body. You see, my chest plate is incaved, so it looks like there's a hole in my chest. Then I have acne everywhere on my body. So no chance of getting intimate with anyone.
I have the personality of a moldy patch on a slice of bread. Yeah, I'm not even the bread, I'm the thing that makes the bread rotten. Doesn't matter what I do, act nice, act tough, act how I feel, act watever, I can never feel comfortable in a conversation. So I just end up looking like a retard infront of ppl. I'm used to it now. I'm doomed to fail my degree, doomed to be depressed everyday. When my dad dies from working so hard, it will be my fault. When my mom falls into depression that she can't pay bills, it will be my fault. When my sister finds she can't afford a place to live with her daughter, it will be my fault. When my other sister hates me for being depressed all the time, well yea, my fault.
That's me. That's my life. Is it worse than yours? Prolly not, no, anyone else has a better reason to be depressed. I'm just pathetic. I'm too afraid to kill myself, so I'm just smoking now. At least I can cut off years of my life if god doesn't show me mercy and the headlights of a car.