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I'm better off dead

Posted by anonymous at January 28, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 January

I'm useless, dumb, have 1 friend and I don't even know why he's my friend. Everyday I have to hear my 4 other adult family members bitch about how they hate each other. There's my dad, a cynical fucking bastard, everyday its a lecture about conserving energy, food (I got the point the first hundred times) and how he has to work two jobs and pay for bills and blah blah no help for him, life was better in 1960. Meanwhile my sisters fight with my mom on everything and they come to me to side with them. I could say I couldn't give a flying fuck, but to keep the peace, to maintain the integrity of my eardrums, I give everyone what they want to make them happy. So I get a job, I pay bills, I give money for food, I buy my baby niece stuff, I do garbage, I do laundry, I clean, I cook I do dishes. Why? Cause I can't stand them arguing.

Dumb right? Why can't I just move out or just tell them that they're all hypocritcal idiots. It's because I'm a loser, I have no self esteem. Prolly cause it was demolished in highschool. You see, I have a baby face. Yes, so I looked 10 years old from grade 9 and up. Oh it's good to look young! If you're fucking thinking that then, go away because you don't understand what it's like to not be respected by peers. To grow up not having the confidence in doing things you would like b/c everyone thinks you don't belong. I'm a tool, a loser. Yep and the fact I admit it is even more reason to hate myself.

I went to university and got into space engineering. Why? Cause I wanted to get a decent job, I guess I like space. Too bad I'm too dumb to keep up, I procrastinate and then, when I fail, I blame it on being depressed by my family. When really it's my fault. Yep. Now I'm in a 3 year degree prgm, and I'm in my 6th year at the univ. You're laughing right? Good cause I agree I'm a total waste of air.

I have a deformed body. You see, my chest plate is incaved, so it looks like there's a hole in my chest. Then I have acne everywhere on my body. So no chance of getting intimate with anyone.

I have the personality of a moldy patch on a slice of bread. Yeah, I'm not even the bread, I'm the thing that makes the bread rotten. Doesn't matter what I do, act nice, act tough, act how I feel, act watever, I can never feel comfortable in a conversation. So I just end up looking like a retard infront of ppl. I'm used to it now. I'm doomed to fail my degree, doomed to be depressed everyday. When my dad dies from working so hard, it will be my fault. When my mom falls into depression that she can't pay bills, it will be my fault. When my sister finds she can't afford a place to live with her daughter, it will be my fault. When my other sister hates me for being depressed all the time, well yea, my fault.

That's me. That's my life. Is it worse than yours? Prolly not, no, anyone else has a better reason to be depressed. I'm just pathetic. I'm too afraid to kill myself, so I'm just smoking now. At least I can cut off years of my life if god doesn't show me mercy and the headlights of a car.


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Comments:
By Jason at 12,Feb,12 20:06

I dont have any friends least you have 1 im a loser too i feel sorry for myself 24/7 im still at high school im the dullest piece of shit to have a conversation with so i just dont talk to people i spend most of my time on the internet.
Like you high school ruined everything before it i was happy and had friends but then every bastard changed and became dickheads, I assume things can only get better music and movies cheer me up. Please don't even consider killing yourself, Good luck my friend :)


By anonymous at 12,Feb,12 20:59

At Least you Can Work...My Parents Control Me! My Mom Doesn't Work And Lives With A Lesbian Just Because She Has Money, Nice Huh? I Don't Like Her So If I Where U, MOVE OUT!!!
By at 12,Feb,12 23:38

Please don't let her bad behavior sour you-ok? Best wishes!


By anonymous at 12,Feb,12 22:04

I think you don't give yourself enough credit. Helping your family and big deal if your still in college. It takes people a long time sometimes considering everything else going on in your life. For the looks I doubt it is as bad as you think and beauty is on the inside. The comment that you only have one friend well that isn't so bad either chances are that might be the only one you need and as I am older now family is better than friends. You might see that as you get older. Hope you find some happiness in your life.


By at 12,Feb,12 23:35

For some people-not eating sugar or anything with 'gliadins/gluten is the answer to acne! It will mean being vigilant about food-but it would be worth it-stop smoking please-I did it and I suffer every day with pain-I only wish I hadn't been brought up by SMOKERS-I started smoking in self-defense as they were always blowing it in my face even when I begged them not to. You are worthwhile and God Bless you and HEAL you and make you realize someone will just adore you-chest problem and acne and ALL!


By anonymous at 12,Feb,12 23:36

jason-If you are reading this-you have great worth-just as a being God created-whether or not any one at school 'gets you.' I read each post I have responded to. (just so you know!)


By anonymous at 13,Feb,12 07:34

Hi
I think Its great that you're aware of your situation.
I'm 39 and have always looked younger too.
People treat you according to the way you look.
I pass for 26 now. (Most days)
I also feel like a loser. But I'm fighting it.
As far as you having acne-that will clear.
And your body,
Don't pay attention to that.
People don't care about that.
I've seen the scrawniest people find partners.
You're still very young and can overcome this.
I'm divorced, broke, jobless and living with my parents and 10 year old son.
But life has a purpose.
We were meant to live forever under perfect conditions.
This is what I've learned through my study of the bible.
Its all true.
Love to all.
By anonymous at 17,Apr,12 16:49

snap - 39 as well.and can prob pass for 26 {on a good day] - people do care how you look - just the same as you care how other people look. I was depressed and a loser when i was young. and im depressed and a loser now. when i was young my skin was terrible - and only started clearing when i was almost 30. that and everthing else gave me zero confidence - the best thing is talking - i never talked, never told people how i felt - and i still pretty much dont now. i dont really talk much to anyone - and im married with kids. Basically - on the skin front, cut out sweets, sugary drinks, fried food - if[when] you get a spot dont pick at it or play with it, get a "spot-stick" and use that instead - gradually you will find it gets better - wish i could help more - wish someone could help me - just remember - u r not alone - there are loads of sad, useless, pathetic, lame people out there. god = crutch. thats what i think - but if it works for you then it is better to be happy than sad. i wish i could be a better person. love all - hate none


By anonymous at 13,Feb,12 09:32

kill yourself. seriously.
By anonymous at 13,Feb,12 19:22

Why dont you, you insensitive bastard
By anonymous at 14,Feb,12 11:04

hehehee lol


By anonymous at 13,Feb,12 12:56

First off, I bet you have a pretty cool personality. Why do I say that? Because your entire story was intriguing to me. You are in college for space engineering. Thats cool, even if you keep failing your classes, at least your doing something. I failed out of college and didn't even go back to try again. your family sounds like a pain, but your doing good by helping the situation. You seem like your a good person, so you have to give credit to yourself for that. I believe you will figure out what to do in the long run. The answers in this world seem to fall into place as long as you keep your head up and keep trying. As far as your physical appearance, it is a difficulty in this world where beautiful is measured in how nice your body looks...but don't let that discourage you. There is someone out there for everyone. Ever try to meet someone online? I hear that 25% of all dating is done online now. Pretty cool because you can get specific about what kind of person your looking for. People can get a chance to read about inner beauty before they meet you, so you have an upper leg...versus going to the bar and competing with that asshat with the abs and the face chiseled by the hand of God himself..those guys piss me off. Anyways, keep your head up and if you gotta smoke, at least make it menthol. That way it tastes kinda good. lol.


By anonymous at 13,Feb,12 15:52

well i know how you feel m8 life is just 1 big steaming pile ov shit you tri to be nice 2 people and they just be horrible bk get a girlfriend be nice to her and eventually she will stap you in the bk iv tried being nice to people it docent work doggi dog world tried killing my self before believe me you dont wont to do that it will scare the shit out of ya when ya neily dead then your stuck in a hospital for weeks just makes people hate you more best thing do go doctors tell them how shitty you feel they probably put you on these anti depressant called citalopram started on 10ml then 20ml now on 40ml and things seem a bit better or is it just they make you feel like things don't bother you as much as before start thinking about your self more m8 look after number 1 first and if you ever feel like finshing life speek to some one online at least you can have a proper conversation with them instead ov waiting for your chance to say summat cus all them other dick eds are ingrant motherfuckers hould ya chin up m8 you will get throu it


By anonymous at 13,Feb,12 15:55

and im not calling the pouple who sent then others messages just dickeds in every day life


By at 13,Feb,12 19:10

It's funny cause you seem to have such an appealing cool, dry-humored personality... you actually vented well as strange as it may sound. Don't be so hard on yourself. When it comes to friends, quality is ALWAYS better than quantity...and honestly, its a lot less drama to deal w/! College is hard, anyone w/ a high school diploma understands that, but sometimes school just isn't for everyone. Don't let society make you feel stupid for that. Just focus on finding yourself and what truly interests you. You can find your talent in your passion!

It's said that the more pain endured, the closer you are to a breakthrough! :-)


By anonymous at 14,Feb,12 12:34

look i kno this is stupid yh but i dont know how to break up with a really nice and innocent boy because i dont wanna break his heart its just that i dont like him anymore and im not ready fr one. i feel too young
but i wanna say it nicley what shall i say hey can we please turn back beinng mates because....................:(


By anonymous at 22,Feb,12 17:27

This is probably the most entertaining story here -- you have a latent talent as a blogger or writer. Give it a try.
By anonymous at 25,Feb,12 13:04

who me? the one that wrote i dnoo how to break up ^


By nice penalty removal at 05,Feb,15 15:02

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By Jaylyn at 15,May,17 01:13

Heck of a job there, it abuelstoly helps me out.


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