Life is so fucking shit. If you're not fucking up then you're getting fucked up. It seems that much worse because I'm the only one I know that seems to have to put up with so much bullcrap.
I have Epilepsy, Complex Partial Seizures both whilst awake or asleep. I've had it since I was 11 (1998), just after starting secondary school. Prior to my seizures starting I was in top groups for every subject and was told by many teachers how far I was likely to make it in life. Then I started having them. 99% of my time was spent at home for the first 2-3 years as the hospital had no idea what they were doing. I was put on lots of medication resulting in lots of side effects such as acne, shaking, major anger issues, tiredness, weight loss, dehydration etc. etc.
Of course I was bullied, BIG TIME, in school (when I was actually there) being the only person with Epilepsy and having to cope these side effects. Even people I classed as friends back then would pick on me, where I'd become such a social outcast and have no self-esteem. The school were no help at all as that just happened to be the schools worst years, so they didn't care. I ended up in all the lowest classes and left school with nothing.
I tried an art course but had to quit after attempting to commit suicide. I was diagnosed with depression and put in care for 6 months. I also had an operation for my seizures in this time which seemed to do the trick, both for my seizures and mood. I went back to college and started an animation course, started a relationship with a girl, gave up on drugs and made some new friends. But that all fell apart when my seizures suddenly started again. I had to leave college again, my g/f left me and I haven't seen those 'friends' since. Haven't started drugs again though.
And since that day almost 8 years ago things are back to how they were. Major depression, self harming, attempted suicide, medication after medication (on my 14th different med in almost as many years), side effects to go with them as well, no social life at all, no self confidence or self esteem. Wishing I was dead, especially after seizures. I've been given most treatment and nothing has worked in the slightest. The last seizure I had was Christmas Day.
Unless there are miraculous changes, I will end it one day. It's all I ever think about doing, even when I'm not depressed. | |
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