LIFE SUCKS

Life?

I posted a life sucks sometime earlier, but things have happened and now things are coming back.

I had a long-term girlfriend that cheated on me and gave me an STD. I had to have treatment to get it taken care of and I feel disgusted by it still.

My grandpa just had a stroke and is dying. When my grandmother died and I was told, I didn't know how to react so I laughed. To this day, I can't forgive myself -- am I really such a piece of shit?

One of my long-term friends hung himself and at the time he did it, him and I weren't very friendly towards one another and now I live with the burden of knowing I wasn't there for him, while all of our friends rally around him and bring him up while I hide my face in shame during those conversations -- the worst part is, he's gone. He had it all, and I'm a complete piece of shit and he's the one who is dead.

I was kicked out of high school twice for truancy. I never graduated. I've dropped out of college four times. The first time, I quit because I was suicidal. The second time, I quit because I was suicidal again. The third time I quit, I realized after enrolling that there was no way I could pay for it. Fourth time, I quit because I just decided to give up and do nothing. And now I have no choice but to do nothing because my lack of ambition, my lack of opportunity, my lack of direction and my lack of common fucking sense has kept me from finding a reason to get off my ass and fucking do something.

I owe a lot of people a lot of money and I make very little money, it all goes to something or other and the money that I have left over, which I should be saving, goes to buying beer. Every day, I get off work and buy a beer. Which turns into two beers, which turns into three, which turns into six or seven or eight. And every morning I swear off drinking. That only lasts until I get off work and get home. It's a hellish cycle and the worst part is, I CAN CONTROL IT, I'm just so absent-minded and whimsical that I can't stick to anything to better my life, if even for just a moment.

I've been to jail three times for pointless bullshit and because of it I find it difficult to find a job. And really, this part is not my fault -- it's a judge's and police officer's fault and I suppose that it's PARTIALLY my fault because I was young and naive and didn't get a lawyer to defend me. I took a plea bargain and ended up getting fucked by the legal system's loophole. Now I have fucked up credit and a fucked up criminal history. And guess what, I live in America, where credit and your background = everything if you want the life that was promised to you.

And I don't even want that life. I don't want that shit, I just want to be happy, but for some reason I can't get past my own lethargy to do something. And now, that I'm finally working, I realize that my past mistakes will keep me from enjoying anything for a long, long time... I don't know if I have the stomach for that fight. I've since lost the heart.