I have always sufferd from bad nerves and stress because as a child my dad abused me violently.He would beat me just for breathing as he put it.Later on in life I got in trouble with police.I was aqngry and had these strange attacks were I would lose it.I was dianosed with post dramatic stress.Ithought when i was told that only people in war got this.Anyway as time went by I had a son who I love sooo much and wanted him to have the love I never had well it all turned out horrible now my son is like me keep to his self gets nasty very quick and have self harmed I feel so sad and gutted I give him what I can but I am sick.He smokes dope 24/7 and I cant keep giving I am freezing now while he is over his mums playing on the xbox all smoking dope and I am here under a quilt feeling I want to die.All my life I have been in shit street and I cant see anyway out of it.He blames me for having a crap life but he will not do any thing to help his self.I have always put him first but I think its starting to get me down to the point of suicide.The only thing that has kept me going these last few months is meditating.I know it sounds strange but it has given me a kind of peace that i never had before.I eat so much chocolate because that I have an eating problem and cant eat solids.I was also diagnosed with personality disorder which now makes sense as I have always had trouble in relationships.Only a small few people talk to me as i have such a bad rep.I would love to start over but dont know how.Any ideas would be welcomed.I have got a bad rep some would say karma is having me back but if thats the case why was I beingf punished when I was 7 thats when it all started I can remember before that and as a family then all was great.What went wrong I dont know but my mother stayed with my dad for 30 years and it was a battle ground violence and stabbings was the norm.I wish people could be more understanding.I am when I here of some body doing some thing bad and crazy I always think what happend to that person to commit a horrible act.O well might let you know what I decide to do soon. |
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