Hello everybody
I'd like to begin by apologising in advance to any who may be offended by anything I say, not no mention my poor spelling.
This story is, to say the least, an unusual one, for mine is a tale of self inflicted social misery that has lasted for more than a decade.
I am currently 27 years old, I work part time in a local newsagents and earn barely enough to cover the rent. I have been single for 9 years, not due to lack of propositions but simply through sabotage of any chance that I get with anyone. This behaviour does not just reside with my opportunities to find a partner but also extends to all my relationships. I sabotage friendships and fuel work mates resentment toward me and worst of all I act hatefull towards my family.
I remember years ago when I first had to leave somebody that I cared for deeply. I remember making her push me away. I remember justifying my actions by telling myself that she wouldn't miss me if she thought I was a horrible person.
I am alone. When I meet new people, I feel like a burden in thier lives, I feel pressured into being something that they find acceptable, but that is not who I am.
I am alone because I do not feel comfortable with anyone that I have ever met, I do not feel asif I can just relax, but loneliness is a terrible sickness.
Honestly now I don't believe that I would even know how to fit into society, I truly do not believe that I could ever find someone to love me and if I did I would instinctivly push them away.
I have nothing to live for. There is nothing in my future except emptiness. A deep, overwhelming saddness that never releases it's grip.
This life is something that I am sure you would struggle to imagine if you have not experienced it, truly it is difficult to describe but what I am trying to say is that I am alive as an empty vessel with no purpose and no life. But I am happy to be alive because any day my life could change or even the whole world.
If there is no reason to live then it kind of, makes it easier.
I don't hate people, I just don't like them
I don't like being alone, but I prefer it to company
I could die any day, I couldn't care any less
I can't wait to find out what will happen next, even though it's probably nothing | |
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